I have carefully considered which section to post this in and I understand AIBU is the place to post when you want frank, unfiltered advice. Here are the background details. DS is 14, will be 15 in a few months. Has always been quite shy. As a little boy, when I would be out with him in public, if anyone tried to say hello to him he would just stand there and say nothing. I would then have to make an excuse for him and speak on his behalf. I suppose that with hindsight, that could have been seen as cause for concern but I didn't see it as a problem at the time. I just saw him as my pfb who couldn't possibly have anything wrong with him. I'm sure it's the same for a lot of mums. As he is now in the stage of life where is expected to be increasingly independent, I feel there is definitely something wrong, but do not know how to help him. Social interaction with people he doesn't know has always been a problem for DS. It just doesn't come naturally to him the way it does for most people. He is very timid and sensitive. He also hates going to new places and meeting new people.
I would like to discuss school first of all. When DS was at primary school, I spared no effort in making sure he had friends coming over to the house. The thing is, the friends who came usually only did so because I was friends with their mums. He does not seem to know how to make friends on his own. He doesn't know what to say when he first meets someone. He can come across as being a bit...aloof. He will often just respond with one-word answers and will look at the ground instead of maintaining eye contact. The shyness is also affecting his work. There are no problems with his written work that he does on his own, but he absolutely hates working in groups. He will do anything to avoid having to stand up and read something in front of a class. Hates being the centre of attention and will usually be the quietest person in the group. When he is in a group who are having a debate or discussion, he will rarely contribute anything and won't usually speak unless someone speaks to him first. He is dreading doing oral exams for his GCSE's. I don't know how he is going to cope with those. I am as worried as him.
He is also struggling with the social side of life away from school. He will not go to the hairdressers to get a haircut because he hates talking to the hairdresser. He stopped going when he was 11. I do it for him at home. If I didn't do it, he would have long hair and would be a laughing stock at school. I would not subject him to that, but I realise I can't keep doing it forever. He also will not take public transport. He won't get the bus anywhere because he doesn't like talking to the driver. He used to get the bus with me when he was younger, but it was always me who interacted with the driver and paid them. He's also never been on a train, and wouldn't go on one unless someone was with him. If he ever wants to go anywhere I take him in the car. If I didn't then he would just hide away in his room all the time and not go anywhere. I also make all his appointments for him, including dentist, doctors and going the opticians for his eye tests (he wears glasses). I have to do all the talking as he won't speak to the receptionists or doctor or dentist himself. If he ever wants to buy anything he will ask me if the shop has self-service tills so he won't have to talk to a staff member. A friend's DS who is 16 just got a job recently. She is understandably beaming with pride. He apparently visited various local employers to ask if they had any jobs and handed in his CV on his own. I can't imagine DS doing that. If I suggested trying to get a part time-job he would probably look at me like he had just seen a ghost. If he can't deal with hairdressers, bus drivers and receptionists, then how is he going to deal with job interviews? I feel he is slipping behind his peers, and especially other teenage lads. They all seem to be brimming with swagger, confidence, and a willingness to grab life by the horns, so to speak. DS is very passive and doesn't seem to want to try things or push himself.
I've been frantically dr googling various mental disorders but I haven't found anything that seems to fit DS. Is there anything that seems like a red flag to anyone reading this? Am I right to be so concerned?