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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this?

26 replies

YourLoveAlone · 15/02/2016 16:45

I'd say, genuinely, that I'm happily married but for a few weeks have had what's been, certainly on my end, just a crush on a co-worker. He's some of the things my DH isn't and I can see that's the attraction, I don't and have never wanted to cheat or leave DH and I know it's just a shallow crush. Thing is the man concerned gets on well with me and friendly banter has spilled over into flirting with me, even though he has a girlfriend. He's told me he fancies me and there's been a couple of occasions where we could have crossed the line but I've said no, ending with yesterday (we sometimes work weekends) where we were alone and almost kissed but I got a grip and said no and made it clear I realised how inappropriate we were being and that we'd have to take a huge step back and be very clearly just colleagues. He s asking for more but in the end accepted it. I felt I'd been stupid to 'play with fire' by flirting at all but had done the right thing in the end. I felt happy to 'end' it (not that anything really went on but just to draw a line under the possible slippery slope).

Today however he reveals to everyone he asked his girlfriend to marry him that same night, ie must have gone straight home and thought 'may as well stick with this one then' after offering to leave his gf for me. AIBU to be upset that he would have been happy to run my marriage and is now trying to start his own literally hours after getting knocked back? Feel like he's taking the piss out of me and her.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourLoveAlone · 15/02/2016 16:45

*ruin, not run!

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 15/02/2016 16:48

Wow. You want sympathy because your pride is dented and nose put out of joint because your harmless fantasy crush took you at your word.

There are so many things wrong with your post that I don't know where to start. YAB massively U.

anyoldname76 · 15/02/2016 16:48

just be thankful you didnt cross that line and end up wrecking your marrriage for a knob

Original poster
YourLoveAlone · 15/02/2016 16:51

Twitter, my nose isn't put out of joint that he's staying with her or anything, just looks like he's laughing at me that he'd act serious about wanting to leave for me and her for acting as though he wants to commit to her

OP posts:
jaxtsoldlady · 15/02/2016 16:54

Poor girlfriend is all I can say 😦

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 16:54

He sounds mad as a box of frogs to be honest-and actually just not very nice.Glad you saw sense in time.

CircusFeak · 15/02/2016 16:56

So your pissed off because the person you were cheating on your husband with has asked his girlfriend to marry him?

Wow! Some people are ruthless Hmm

Original poster
YourLoveAlone · 15/02/2016 16:59

Maybe it is just who he is but before now I wouldn't have said he was that kind of man.

Circus - I haven't been cheating!

OP posts:
WhyIRayLiotta · 15/02/2016 17:04

I think even if you'd shagged him he'd still have gone home and proposed. I'm sure you'd feel shittier had that been the case.

Katenka · 15/02/2016 17:08

You are having an emotional affair. Most people consider it cheating.

I would consider it cheating.

I can't see how you have any case to be upset about this.

A man who is happy to shag a married women when he has a girlfriend, asks the girlfriend to marry him.

Can't really see what it has to do with you. Did you think you meant more to him?

I am finding it hard to have sympathy tbh.

CircusFeak · 15/02/2016 17:21

You have been emotionlly cheating on your husband with a bloke you knew had a girlfriend!

You have absolutely no right whatsoever to be upset!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/02/2016 17:26

Hmm...you're walking a thin line here.

By the letter of the law, you might not have committed adultery, but you've come mighty close. It's an emotional affair, and if you almost kissed yesterday, it's milimetres away from a physical one. You can't use "I haven't cheated" as a justification - you almost have.

In terms of him, if he had a ring and a plan to propose, he probably would have done it whether you'd had sex yesterday or not. You'd probably feel worse if you had, and he'd gone back and proposed to her.

Let's face it, though - you're married, he has a girlfriend. He wasn't ever madly in love with you, this wasn't another chance at happy ever after, he wasn't driven mad with desire. You just mutually decided that you could have an affair. You flirted, and almost kissed, and then decided to end it there.

That's why it hurts, if you're being honest with yourself. You let it get this far because you believed he liked you, and wanted you, and you were being the better person by calling it of because you're already married...and actually, it wasn't a feelings thing. You were taken in.

Viviennemary · 15/02/2016 17:26

You were tempted but you decided not to have an affair. Can't see how this was cheating. You should relieved you made the right decision. And you made a lucky escape. It was short lived so just move on.

yorkshapudding · 15/02/2016 17:43

I feel sorry for his girlfriend. You, on the other hand, had a lucky escape. He clearly wasn't being sincere about leaving his current girlfriend so you'd be feeling a hell of a lot worse right now if you'd slept with him, risking your marriage, and then he'd announced his engagement the next day.

DoreenLethal · 15/02/2016 17:47

He is just playing mind games.

Best leave him to it and forget all about it.

Original poster
YourLoveAlone · 15/02/2016 18:08

I don't think I had even an emotional affair with him, I wasn't assuring him I'd leave my DH, or sleep with him, or even kiss him - it was all from his side. Yes I enjoyed the friendly flirting but I wasn't intending to take it any further.

I feel for his girlfriend too and I'm not upset because things didn't go further, I didn't want them too - I think I'm upset because it turns out he wasn't that nice a person/friend and obviously just playing me/his girlfriend for fools.

OP posts:
Katenka · 15/02/2016 19:51

So your husband was fully aware of your flirting an almost kiss?

I take you have told him now. After all it wasn't an affair, why not?

Scarydinosaurs · 15/02/2016 19:55

It was an emotional affair. You crossed a massive line by putting yourself in a position where someone is offering to leave their partner for you. You don't leap from harmless flirting to that stage in one step.

It would be idiotic to spend one second caring about him. You should be looking inwardly at yourself as a person and figuring out why you allowed this to happen, and how to stop it happening again.

JesusGirlfriend · 15/02/2016 19:56

You said in your OP you flirted and nearly kissed him.

That to me is cheating, maybe not physically but definitely emotioally, unless you've told your husband all about it?

toffeeboffin · 15/02/2016 19:58

Sounds like he had a lucky escape.

Her, not so much Hmm

Paintedhandprints · 15/02/2016 20:08

I feel sorry for your husband. You need to have a good think about if you really are 'happily married'.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2016 20:14

Just a crush, eh? I have one on Idris Elba. It will never amount to nearly 'crossing a line' and kissing him, because I'll never meet him. See the difference? You have had an emotional affair.

TimeToMuskUp · 15/02/2016 20:15

You don't have to physically touch someone to cheat, you don't have to kiss or make promises. Once you've crossed that line you're already there. You can tell yourself you've not cheated, you can deny it. Would you be ok with your DH 'almost' kissing a woman he worked with, repeatedly flirting, being told how much she fancies him, how she'll leave her DP for him? Would you be ok with that, knowing he'd been disloyal? Knowing he'd opened that part of himself to another woman?

You both desperately need to stay away from one another. And perhaps reconsider your own relationship and how you can work stuff out so you've no desire to go flirting with other men to boost your (seemingly quite fragile) ego. You made a stupid mistake. Learn from it. Strengthen your marriage or leave it.

TimeToMuskUp · 15/02/2016 20:21

Also, I've had crushes. Still have them occasionally (mainly on Jon Snow, who I would consider ruining, if he asked me nicely). Had one on a bloke DH knows a long while ago. It was entirely involuntary; he just made me go a bit "ooh" when I first met him. I made sure from that minute there was no room for mistakes or flirting or japes because I love and respect my DH too much to chance it on a flirt with someone whose shit stinks just as bad as everyone else's. We spend time with him and his (now) DW occasionally and it's totally gone. Whatever that chemical reaction was, you absolutely can fight it. You absolutely do have a choice.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/02/2016 20:50

You've twisted yourself in circles trying to make your behaviour fit your "not cheating" morals.

I don't think I had even an emotional affair with him, I wasn't assuring him I'd leave my DH, or sleep with him, or even kiss him - it was all from his side. Yes I enjoyed the friendly flirting but I wasn't intending to take it any further.

It's the flirting that makes this wrong. It's the connection that you formed with him, that you should have had with just your husband.

Assuring him that you'd leave your husband isn't essential for an emotional affair. Many EAs have no such declarations - they are purely on the side.

If you'd kissed him, or slept with him, it would have been a full-blown affair, rather than an emotional one.

You formed a flirty bond with him. You started, and by your own admission enjoyed, forming a close, intimate and flirty connection. It's an affair in every sense other than that you came to your senses before you kissed. It was close, though, so that's not really a moral victory either.

You have to be honest about what this was, and why you're upset, so you're marriage is doomed. You're just going to sleepwalk into this situation again and again, and every time tell yourself that it was okay, it wasn't that bad, it was just some flirting...