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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not to want my partner to grope my breasts?

51 replies

Onlyconnect · 14/02/2016 21:28

It's what he calls a 'comedy grope' which he does quite often when we are having a cuddle or just when he's passing me. I don't like it and have told him so many times over the 16 years we've been together. He has basically ignored me. Yesterday it came to a head when he did it again and I once more said I didn't like it. To illustrate what I meant I stroked his forehead and hair which is something he told me he didn't like years ago when we started seeing each other. I have never done it since till yesterday. He says it's entirely different as the groping he does is part of intimacy. Just to be clear it's not foreplay, it's fully clothed, could be in the kitchen or in the car or anywhere but not when other people are around. AIBU to put my foot down and tell him not to do it or should I just grit my teeth and put up with it?

OP posts:
Bulletpr00f · 14/02/2016 22:09

Nope uanbu. Dhabi recently starting "jokingly" humping/groping me if I am bent over, doing the dishes, cooking, etc. It lasted less than a day until I exploded at him. It'seems rude and disrespectful. My body, my rules. Grrrrr.

Bulletpr00f · 14/02/2016 22:10

Sorry tablet autocorrected it's to it'seems.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2016 22:15

Another one suggesting a smack to some part of his anatomy.
DH doesn't do this, thankfully because I would have smacked something by now - it's bad enough when he pinches or slaps my bum (which I completely loathe ), but my boobs? I'd also tell him that if he did that to anyone else it would be sexual harassment and he'd be arrested for it. Which is true.

It's NOT a sign of affection or attraction if the recipient doesn't like it - it's an invasion of your bodily autonomy and totally lacking in respect for you.

So next time, just whack him somewhere it hurts. He'll probably get the message after a few..

EastMidsMummy · 14/02/2016 22:22

Yep, it's a sexual assault. Outrageous. Disgraceful. You are intimate when you choose to be, not when he chooses to be.

blueshoes · 14/02/2016 22:26

OP, it makes me wonder whether he ignores you and violates your boundaries in other ways. It is very disrespectful behaviour.

Sallyingforth · 14/02/2016 22:31

If you've once made it clear that you don't like it, that should be enough. TBH I'm surprised that you've tolerated it for so long.

It's entirely a personal thing of course. DP often gives my breasts a gentle touch in passing, just as I will sometimes squeeze his bum. For us it's a little sign of affection, but that's just us and I can understand that others are more private.

Tell him to lay off!

acasualobserver · 14/02/2016 22:32

How ever you convince him to stop this behaviour, it's going to have to be radically different to what you've been trying for the last 16 years.

Krytonfactor · 14/02/2016 22:38

Yanbu

I saw this wonderful poem today in the New Yorker by John Kenney which just about sums this sort of thing up:

I was almost feeling fondness for you
As you gave me a shoulder massage at the sink—
What a small, lovely surprise.
And then you grabbed my boobs and made a “wha-wha” noise.
In an instant, I felt disgust and sadness and regret.

monkeysox · 14/02/2016 22:56

He'd be nursing a bloody nose if he did that to me. What a cock

PalcumTowder · 14/02/2016 23:22

I couldn't be with someone who treated me this way, op. I'd be very surprised if this is the only disrespectful thing he does to you.

Narp · 15/02/2016 14:35

Kryptonfactor

That could be more apposite!

Oysterbabe · 15/02/2016 14:43

It's sexual assault.
But he's been doing it for 16 years and you looking to put a stop to it now? I guess that 896th time broke the camel's back.

MoonDuke · 15/02/2016 14:45

This had made me furious and I don't even know you!

I was recently play-fighting with DH and he pinned me down and blew in my ear. I yelled and tried (unsuccessfully) to bite him.

Afterwards I tore a strip of him because I cannot stand him blowing in my ear and he knows it (or at least he did several years ago before I got pregnant/BF and we stopped play-fighting). He said it was a joke but I said no it wasn't and that he cannot imagine how scary it is being pinned down and unable to move and your husband doing something you hate to you.

He was horrified. And I don't think he'll do it again, but if he does he's crossed a line.

It is your body and just because someone else wants to do something to you "because they love you" it is no excuse and totally unacceptable.

KayTee87 · 16/02/2016 15:25

Fucking punch him in the face Angry argh sorry but this is not on. It's your body and he knows you don't like it and basically doesn't give a shit, what does this say about him.

P's maybe don't actually punch him in the face... I'm 18 weeks pregnant and if my husband touched my boobs just now I couldn't be held accountable for my reaction.

VerySlovenly · 17/02/2016 05:09

He calls it a comedy grope then claims it's part of intimacy?!
He knows what he's doing and it's abuse.

TubbyTabby · 17/02/2016 05:31

yeah, i agree this is about him controlling you.
why are you with him?
i had an ex who did this and it one of the reasons why he's an ex.

whois · 17/02/2016 06:36

Take his balls in a firm grip and squeeeeeze and tell him you're doing to be intimate.

PosieReturningParker · 17/02/2016 07:41

You have two choices:

Go batshit crazy every time he does it

Stroke his forehead or something else that annoys him at very opportunity.

Purplepicnic · 17/02/2016 08:08

It's not really the fact that he's doing it, it's that he's doing it when you've made it clear you don't like it.

He probably thinks you're being prim and you love it really. Maybe you need to impress upon him you fucking mean it.

thebestfurchinchilla · 17/02/2016 08:20

YANBU he is!

latebreakfast · 17/02/2016 10:41

made me think of this

Aibu not to want my partner to grope my breasts?
latebreakfast · 17/02/2016 10:42

oh, and clearly YANBU

ricketytickety · 17/02/2016 10:54

Forget the 'does he know I don't like it?' questions you're asking yourself. You have told him multiple times. He knows. He's just ignoring you.

What you need to ask yourself is 'why is he doing something he knows I don't like?'

And the only answer to that, I'm afraid, is he enjoys upsetting you. Tell him you know he enjoys upsetting you by grabbing you and the next time he does it will be the last time he does it. Grabbing his cock is tit for tat and really not going to show him anything because he already knows what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't care. No amount of explaining will change this, because he already knows. Treat it like he understands exactly what you mean.

This reminds me of when my ex used to grab my arm in arguments and squeeze to leave bruising. In the end I grabbed his arm to show him how hard you have to squeeze to leave a bruise, because I thought he couldn't possibly know he was hurting me. Years later I realise he knew all along exactly what damage it did, it's just it took me a while to realise that he was doing it purposely to upset me/control me. I spent many a time trying to get him to understand what he did hurt and upset me. I couldn't understand why he didn't get it. I was looking at it from the wrong angle. He already knew it hurt me and upset me; that's why he did it.

Mammabrown · 17/02/2016 11:00

16yrs and still doing it he is disrespecting you wrapped up in playful teasing your breasts belong to him nah tell him to fuck off or a kick in the bollocks whichever suits

ricketytickety · 17/02/2016 11:00

Just want to add that my ex used to enjoy my going mad every now and again when I'd reached the end of my tether. Because he could then make me feel even worse by saying I was having a go at him for nothing and that actually I was the one who had a control problem/was physically abusive (when I grabbed his arm back on purpose)

If he's using it as an opportunity to start a row so you say you don't like something and he says 'but you're blowing it out of proportion, you're mad' sort of scenario then he is definitely a controlling man. It's like two birds with one stone for him. That's why the ball grabbing won't work: he'll make you feel like you're the one who physically assaults people.

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