Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Stuck between sister and niece

55 replies

cocochanel21 · 14/02/2016 18:49

My older sister and I have always been close. We had our DDS a year apart at the time I was a young single mum and she was settled and married. She looked after my dd so I could work and helped me a lot over the year's. She couldn't have anymore dcs and her dd is her life and if I'm honest her dd is spoilt and treated like a princesss. Over the year's she has had many fights with our siblings 're her dd as she seems to have a total blind spot where her DDS concerned.
Dn is now 22 with 2dcs she recently split with her partner.My sis and bil set her up in a flat and have the dcs every weekend to let Dn go out which is fine as they are happy to do this.
I recently had DD2 and my Dn has been spending alot of time at my house she brings her 2dcs over and I do enjoy spending time with her although she is definitely a pampered princess thanks to her parent's.
She told me recently that she'd had taken a loan out for Christmas presents for her dcs and was having trouble paying it back.I'm now in a position fincanally where I could help her and was happy to do so,turns out she hadn't made any payments on the loan I paid it off in full and asked at the time if she had anymore debts which she said no she asked me not to tell her mum which I agreed and forgot all about it.
My sis came to my house on Fri and while here she let slip that poor dd had taken out a loan at Christmas and was having trouble paying it so she has been paying X amount into her account every week and she having to cut back in order to do this without her Dh finding out.
I contacted Dn when my sis left on Fri and asked how many loans she had which she replied just the one I had paid off when I questioned her as to why her mum was paying into her acc every week she got flustered and told me she's call me back. I know she is lying to us both. Today i received a text from her saying you promised you wouldn't tell my mum about the loan I'm really upset you would do that.

So do I leave it I know my sis will make out her dd got confused and its all a misunderstanding. My sis has really been here for me this last year and I don't want to fall out with her and it isn't about the money i was happy to be able to help her. I just hate the thought I've been taken for a mug.

OP posts:

TopHat33 · 14/02/2016 20:09

Wow. I don't think your DN is necessarily deceitful. It sounds like she might have got herself into real financial trouble and be trying to get out of it without anyone knowing. I'd talk to your DS and then see her in a non confrontational way and ask what her debt is and how she can set up a payment plan to get her out of it - perhaps you and DS can asist. Financial problems are horrific.

Quietwhenreading · 14/02/2016 20:10

She spent £1000 on Christmas for two children?

Bloody hell. We have two extremely good incomes and we didn't spend anywhere near that!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/02/2016 20:16

She knows she's been caught out and she's now trying to turn it around so you're in the wrong.

I'd be wanting my money back and I wouldn't bail her out again.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2016 20:17

I don't understand why you just paid off her loan.like that? Has the niece ever had to stand on her own two feet?

You should tell your DS, your loyalty should lie with her surely .

Ilovenannyplum · 14/02/2016 20:21

You need to speak to your sister, what your niece has done is incredibly cheeky and she's definitely taken advantage of you. An awkward but necessary conversation

ErrolTheHamster · 14/02/2016 20:30

So basically, her mum is unwittingly, funding her weekends out (assuming DN hasn't the independent means to spend on going out every weekend, if she 'hasn't' got enough to repay a loan) and financially struggling in order to do so whilst also dealing with keeping it from her DH, AND she's also minding DN's kids for the duration, into the bargain? DN has no conscience. Shop her to your sister straight away.

All bets and promises would have been off for me, the moment DN's duplicity was discovered.

I'm curious as to why your DSis is keeping it from her husband though. Is he wise to DN's ways and would be far from impressed at this latest lark of hers? It suggests a pattern to me. Seems she's branched out and embroiled you in her money grabbing too now (assuming you've never been asked to support her financially before, which I get the impression you haven't).

Yes you'll be the scapegoat for them both for a while, or even longer term, til they both wise up, but it's not fair at all as your involvement all stemmed from a desire to help.

It's really really shitty of your 'D'N to behave in this way, yet it'll be you that'll bear the brunt of the fallout.

Eva50 · 14/02/2016 20:32

Tell your niece that she must tell her mother that you have paid of the loan for her and she doesn't need to give her any more money. If she won't then you will have to tell your sister. Never bail her out again.

Paintedhandprints · 14/02/2016 20:33

Chalk it up to experience and never lend dn anything again.
Ask dn for the money back and maybe give it to dsis.
Tell dn to tell dsis she doesn't need any more money. (lottery win?)
Tell dsis and be the bad guy to both of them.
Tell bil?

NeverNic · 14/02/2016 20:35

I would tell your sister AND then tell your niece and then leave it to them to sort it out. Sorry to say, but you have no proof that she had only that loan. You don't know if she has got herself in more trouble (either financially or maybe what she's spending the money on i.e. drink or worse) or if she's telling a fib all together and fleecing you all. I have recently learnt that actually giving family money to be helpful, rarely works out like that. It's much more grief in the long term. It changes things.

WonderingAspie · 14/02/2016 20:38

I'm very confused why you paid it off for her, this woman is never going to be able to stand on her own 2 feet with everyone running around after her and picking up her mess.

I'd tell her she has behaved badly and another time, you won't be helping her with the mess she has created. Make sure she knows this is her doing.

I'd also tell your sister. You can't let you niece basically fleece you and her own mother. Her mum needs to know regardless of what excuses she will make.

Then take a step back from your niece, someone who is a spoilt princess isn't going to become a caring, decent adult.

Jux · 14/02/2016 20:59

Your neice is thoroughly dishonest. She is a liar, a cheat and a thief. Her behaviour is atrocious.

LalaLyra · 14/02/2016 21:06

Did you pay off the loan directly?

Minisoksmakehardwork · 14/02/2016 21:07

I'd go with the suggestion of offering to both dsis and dniece together to pay the loan off, knowing you've already done it so everyone saves face really. You've helped your sister by stopping her paying out money she can ill afford and dniece doesn't have to confess to her deceit, which could come between her and her mum. But then make it crystal clear to your niece that you don't expect to be put in that situation ever again and you won't help her out financially in future.

Original poster

cocochanel21 · 14/02/2016 21:09

I really can't believe I've ended up in this position when I thought I was helping her and didn't want my sister to end up bailing her out as usual I know her Dh is beginning to wake up to what Dn is really like and is fed up having the dcs every weekend and its causes problems in their marriage.
My sister has been really good to me over the last couple of year's. My DD1 died last year and she has been by my side day and night and has done everything possible to help me. She was also at the birth of DD2 and to be fair my Dn has also helped me alot.

I'm going to speak to Dn tomorrow face to face and try to sort this out between us as long as my sister stops paying into her acc I don't care what she tell's her. I don't want to hurt my sister as I have a feeling her life is not as happy as she makes out.

OP posts:

TopHat33 · 14/02/2016 21:25

Op you were helping her.

I think the responses here have been very harsh. If she's a close family member who you know well then it's really important to find out why she was so desperately in need of money. It doesn't - of course - mean she is entitled to anything or should be able to rely on you but it is possible to get into huge amounts of debt v quickly and the worry and stress of that is immense. Please try and talk to her and your DS. You've been incredibly generous and loving / please now make sure your DN isn't in panic stations due to debt.

ifcatscouldtalk · 14/02/2016 21:27

I wouldn't be able to keep quiet! I'd never lend/give dn any money again. Crafty and sly come to mind. I may be completely wrong and she may have got into massive debt, either way you need to air this with your sister. Some conversations are awkward but necessary.

ifcatscouldtalk · 14/02/2016 21:33

So sorry about your dd1. Just read that post. Hope this is resolved soon. My response may seem a bit harsh but i'd really hate being put in this position.

Haribogirl · 14/02/2016 21:35

Her mum is struggling to find the money at the risk of her Dh finding out and it causing an arguement between them(although they would help themselves)

You should text back saying
I'm holding nothing against you, and don't wish for this to go further than it as.
Now that its come to the surface, your willing to forget what's been done
On the condition that she tells her mum she no longer needs the payments as she's managing her money a little better now.
No more handouts

Gobbolino6 · 14/02/2016 21:37

I think if you are determined not to speak to your sister you will not be able to trust whatever your DN says she will tell her to actually be what is said.

I think whether you tell DS or not there's a good chance your DN will twist this to your DS to make you look bad, so I'd be tempted just to tell her now and have done with it. Something like 'I have been dwelling on our conversation the other day...I paid x to DN on x date to cover x date. I'm not exactly sure what's going on. None of my business, of course, but I thought I'd let you know in case there's a problem we're not aware of'. Then I would leave it with her and stay calm and factual in the face of any resulting fallout.
This approach also makes it more likely that if there are in fact multiple debts...or no debts at all which seems equally possible...this might come to light before DN gets herself into even more of a pickle.
If you do decide to keep this between you and your DN, I'd make it very clear that you and she both know it's absolute nonsense to accuse you of holding the money over her, that she has behaved shockingly and trying to shift blame onto you won't help. Whether that makes any impact on her remains to be seen...maybe she's being calculating, maybe she really does see herself as the poor innocent victim.

SquinkiesRule · 14/02/2016 21:45

Just text your Sis that you've taken care of the loan so now she doesn't have too (she doesn't need to know it was done ages ago). Then Text Dn and tell her her Mum knows its now been paid and will stop the payments to her.

HeddaGarbled · 14/02/2016 22:04

I don't think you should tell your sister.

You did a generous thing for your niece but now you know that she's been dishonest and manipulative you are absolved from ever doing it again. She knows now that she won't be able to pull the wool over your eyes in future and also that she is at risk of you telling her mum so is less likely to try to dupe her mum in future as well.

Both your niece and your sister have helped you out in the past so you don't need to feel bitter about this.

Your sister will make her own decisions about how much she chooses to bail her daughter out, regardless of the specific reasons given. It's not your job to stop her giving her daughter money if she chooses too. Leave them to sort it out between them.

Chiggers · 14/02/2016 22:41

If your DN hadn't done what she did, then she wouldn't be in this mess, and there would be nothing to tell. It's time you forced your DN to take responsibility for her actions.

You should tell your sister about your DN and make sure you have the bank statement as evidence for the transaction. That way, your sister cannot deny that you gave your DN the money to pay off her debt, and your DN can't either.

Good luck.

Original poster

cocochanel21 · 14/02/2016 22:47

Thanks for all the replys
I've foned my sister and told her I've been thinking about our conversation on fri and I would like to help her by paying off Dn loan. She said she couldn't let me do that I told her she was my Dn and I wanted to help her. She finally agreed and was very thankful.
She told me Dn would be very happy(DONT THINK SHE WILL)
I've learned a valuable lesson and I'll be telling Dn never to take me for a mug again or her mum for that matter.

OP posts:

lilydaisyrose · 14/02/2016 23:02

I'm so sorry about your DD1 coco, if I've read your OP correctly, she'd be a young adult now - I'm so sorry for your awful loss.

Original poster

cocochanel21 · 14/02/2016 23:11

Thanks lilydaisyrose she was 23 when she died last year.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3