To wonder if I have upset this friend?

[stargirl04]

Hi,

I have a friend who I've neither seen nor heard of for ages. To the extent where I started to think I'd offended her.

She used to live in my city but moved north to be with her partner and bought a house with him about 6 months ago that they've been doing up.

So I texted her and asked her if I'd done something to upset her and, if so, it was unintentional I was sorry if I'd unwittingly caused any offence.

So she called me and said "Don't be silly, you're lovely, I've just been putting all my energy into the house - I get tunnel vision sometimes."

Following on from that, whenever I suggested we meet up she was busy and did not suggest alternative arrangements or initiate any further contact with me. So I decided that for whatever reason, she wasn't that interested and decided I would not contact her again, even though she is a lovely woman. We are both in our fifties and have been friends for about 9 years.

Last week (about six weeks later) I got a text from her saying: "How are things. When can we meet for a catch up? Seems like an age since I last saw you."

So this is the precise text I sent her the next day and I want you kind folks to tell me whether this could have been interpreted as me having a dig at her:

"Hi Dot, nice to hear from you . When are you free? I am sometimes off midweek (which fits with her schedule) but am busy for the next couple of weeks. I recently got out of hospital after my lung collapsed. Another cancer scare but no cancer after all. How are you and is your house finished yet? Love Ethel xxx"

These are not our real names. But I have not heard a thing from her since and I am puzzled! I checked my phone and it says the message was delivered but this was a few days ago.

I thought about sending her another text asking her if everything was okay and again, I'm wondering if I've offended her, but another RL friend (male) thinks I'm being "too soft".

Sock it to me, Mumsnetters....

Meant to put a grinning emoticon on the end of my message to you Lucie!

Agree she may be a bit of a flake, which is annoying, but ok in a friend if you accept those terms. I do wonder though whether she has something going on that is more serious than the house? She could have hit a marriage or health crisis, and not want to lay it on you as you have been dealing with serious scary stuff yourself. I myself have been guilty of assuming I've offended someone or that they no longer like me, when in fact they were having a rubbish time . I'd leave it a week and then maybe text her or call her with a possible meet up date and see how she reacts.

I think she is flaky, plus she maybe thought you being busy meant she should put off making a plan to meet up for now.

She should still have replied, she couldn't possibly be offended by your lovely message. I wouldn't ask her again if everything is ok, because she probably will say yes, but probably not make the effort again.

I hope your are recovering well and glad you got the all clear re:cancer.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. There's some very wise advice here.

Nevertheless, I am now wondering if she's lost her phone?

I won't rush into any decisions or actions either way....

I wonder if she thinks you're a bit over dramatic. You say you had similar about 6 months ago, so maybe she just feels you can't be that bad and are exaggerating, so doesn't want to encourage it.
I know I had a friend who always had health scares. Often "cancer suspected" type. The first few times people rushed round. Then people sent sympathetic messages, then it got to people really not bothered by the latest one.

She did genuinely have these health scares. She did genuinely get tested for various things, and was genuinely worried. She had several family members with cancer, so any possibility tended to result in checking in case. But she had so many I aspect people thought she was drawing the long bow.

I have a couple of friends like this. Completely flaky. I agonised over whether they just didn't like me and I am not sure its that. They are just useless at replying and caught up in their own lives. Its quite hurtful though as I always reply to messages promptly.

I have made a conscious decision to not chase them. Its a shame really.

I think your text reads as though you were trying to guilt trip your friend ie reading between the lines the text seems to say, I've been really really ill and youre a shit friend for not being in touch. Also she asked when you could meet up and you've basically fobbed her off, saying youre busy for a couple of weeks but giving no dates of when you are free after this.I imagine she just doesn't know how to respond to this via text. When you have some actual dates you are free I would probably call her and arrange something over the phone.

XiCi - I certainly was not trying to guilt trip my friend, but if you interpret my message this way then it is possible she has too, which is what I was concerned about.

If she knew me well enough she would know that I don't try to make people feel guilty - I either express my disappointment directly to them or I shut up and put up. In the nicest possible way, I am too old to play these kinds of games.

Witchend, just to put things into context, it is not me that went to the doctor worrying that I had cancer. I have a longstanding lung issue going back a decade which is observed with regular scans. Six months ago the consultants spotted a new abnormal growth and suspected it was cancer.

It wasn't. But on my recent follow up scan the abnormal tissue had increased to twice its size and the consultants wanted me to go straight for surgery which involved having half my lung removed as they had a strong suspicion that it was cancer.

I did not want to go straight to surgery without a diagnosis of malignancy and therefore opted for a biopsy, during the course of which I suffered a punctured lung which was serious enough for them to keep me in hospital and drain my lung by inserting a tube into it through my chest. This is considered a medical emergency. Perhaps my friend didn't realise that.

If a "friend" should consider me overly dramatic, I would not consider them a true friend and would cut my losses. I would have thought that anyone who went through what I did at least deserves a return text, if nothing else.

havnt read whole thread but I find if I get a txt I am not sure how to respond to straightaway I put it off for ages and then get a bit embarrassed and put it off even more . Maybe txt her with a date to meet up and that may give her a reason to get straight back to you