to not be a good in-law though I have nice in laws...?

[InWithTheOutlaws]

Right then. First AIBU. Yikes.

DH left home at 15 after falling out with parent. Kept in touch as adult but rarely. Like maybe visiting for a couple of hours every few years

Been married for 7yrs. When we first married we travelled to see his family, they're in a close by country, not too big a deal to get there, just a few hours. They were nice enough, not much in common but no problems. I often prodded DH to make an effort, but he was clearly not motivated so in time I left it, got busy with life, couldn't be asked if he didn't care, didn't feel he wanted a full on relationship etc. we went across to see them 3 times for a few hour long visits during the last 7 years.

In the meantime we had kids - his family started sending gifts on Christmas and birthdays but DH is lax about acknowledging, never gets in touch, if I nag for a month or two maybe he'll call. He refuses to reciprocate, says he will when he sees them, but obviously we don't really see them so...he's a basically a knob. And it's embarrassing to me but I haven't been able to change it and I view it as his call.

Meanwhile I had a really bad couple of years recently, lost some close friends and relations one after the other, including a young family in a tragic accident while I was in late stages of difficult pregnancy and it all really effected me. Bad timing but DH family at this point decided to send me a snippy messages about my lack of effort etc. and I know IWBU but I snapped a bit. Not at them, just internally...as to why does it fall to me? Truthfully I barely know any of them. No matter how I try I can't force DH to suddenly develop a different attitude towards visiting or keeping in touch etc. We've been having problems ourselves (he's emotionally useles, who'd have guessed?) and tbh I'm sick of all the emotional labour falling to me.

Part of me feels awful that I never made more of an effort and now am defensive after having been called out on it and no longer would even want to. And ( I guess the defensive )part of me says fuck it, why the fuck should I? If their own flesh and blood is a twat, then why do I have to step in? I'm barely coping with my own shit in life.

AIBU to refuse to shoulder the emotional labour for a relationship with in laws I hardly know that doesn't seem to exist for DH? Or am I as big a twat as DH and need to suck it up (wo)man up and shoulder the burden of being a friendly in law even though I don't feel like one?

I agree somewhat with what hassled said. I view my inlaws as my family now. So for me organising things, saying thank you etc is as much my responsibly at his. I would imagine dh would say that my family are his inlaws and not his family therefore responsibility lies with me.

Neither of these are wrong, just different ways of looking at it.

I'm surprised though if some of you allow no thank you's to be sent because "it's his responsibility", because then isn't it just rude to have not said thank you at all?

The way I see it - his family, his responsibility (as you don't have a relationship with them yourself). If you'd got to know them, it might be a little different.
However, I wonder if they're just trying to forge a relationship with their GC and see you as the one to do that as DH doesn't seem to be any use and they might feel that you should take some responsibility for helping your DC know their GP. Not saying that's right, but it may be what's going on.

You are NBU and you're obviously a lovely DIL to care. Know it's probably a pain in the backside (could you just Facebook message or text to keep it easy?) but part of the reason I made such an effort with DH's parents is because I didn't want DCs to model their relationship with us in the future on DH's lack of effort with his parents while they were young. But they only lived in next village, not a different country so can appreciate it is much harder. And they both died while DCs were quite young so on one hand DCs probably won't remember much of them but on the other hand I'm glad I made the effort.

As said earlier, he cut them out for a reason.

I would not be forcing a relationship between them - it only causes you stress and then problems between you two.

I would encourage thank-you notes to be sent from your DC as that is only polite but I would not play any part in buying them gifts.

As it happens I do get on with my outlaws (I say that affectionately) and they are very kind and generous. However over the years I am leaving it more and more up to DH to sort their stuff as I got fed up with doing it. I do sort Christmas simply because I order personalised gifts that I get in bulk.

I don't think YABU. They are his family, (yours by marriage) and it's not up to you to forge contact. I always find it strange that once married or in a LTR, it seems to fall to the woman to take responsibility for remembering and sending cards, gifts and issuing invites.
The only thing that I, in your place, would do is send a little thank you note signed from the children when they receive a present.

Well, you say they are lovely and he is being a bit of a pillock... but why, now, are they sending you snippy messages?

If they are as nice as you say then they would call, arrange a visit, whatever. But snippy messages?

I suspect you are about to find out why he can't be bothered with them.

Stop worriting about martyring yourself on the altar of familial relationships. It usually only brings grief and, as others have said, they ain't your circus... don't be a flying monkey!

Are you sure he's a knob? You liked him enough to marry him and have kids with him so your DH must have some redeeming features.

He fell out with his parents for a reason. Left to his own devices it sounds like he'd pretty much be non contact with them.

You possibly made a mistake thinking they were normal people and so encouraged him to be in touch when you got together as you were thinking of the relationship you have with your parents. But actually he doesn't want to and maybe still has good reasons that he wasn't able to tell you.

Now they are being horrid to you.

Effectively you have taken on some 'wifework' - why should him seeing his family be your responsibility? If he wants to see them, he will. They are his parents after all. It sounds like they haven't really been nice enough for him to want to at any stage in his life since the age of 15 and he doesn't regret this.

I'd suggest you and DH have an open and honest talk about what his going on with his parents and what to do about them. I'd suggest answering all calls with 'call DH' or 'I'll let DH know you rang'.

YANBU.

I'd reply to their message once, and only once, along the lines of, 'This is between you and DH, so you'll have to talk to him. Please leave me out of it.'

And if OP had been the husband, I doubt very much they would have criticized him for in this manner. Family relationship maintenance, present buying, card sending, etc does seem to be assumed to be the woman's duty in so many families. Like we have nothing better to do with our time. Ridiculous.

I would maintain a relationship with my inlaws regardless of dh's motivation or lack of the same because I want them to be in my children's lives. If you feel the same, and have the energy, then I wouldn't let the fact that it should be his responsibility stop you. If you do want to encourage a relationship then you could maybe find a low cost (in terms of time and energy) way of doing it. Christmas cards, send some pics of the kids, get kids to phone/make a card or drawing for grandparents.

Ultimately though, you don't have to. Might be kind to let them know that they need to speak to their ds about it though.

Your DH left home at 15 for a reason and clearly isn't keen on being regularly in touch with his DPs. They see you as a way of being more involved in his life but this isn't your problem to sort out IMO. And I'd take the fact they are now getting at you as a sign of what your DH is avoiding.

I've had similar with my DH on and off. Visit to his parents are usually me pushing that he needs to see them but I don't bother pushing as much any more. It's his family to deal with not mine.

I couldn't do that to my DH, Barbarian. He had his reasons for opting out of his family life. It doesn't matter what I think he should do, what benefits I fondly imagine would accrue from contact. His sense of well being meant he did not want contact with them.

Why would I think I know better?

I would do the same as barbarian, but I would check with dh first to ensure he is ok with me maintaining contact for the children's sake.

I was responding to the OP OurBlanche - she says her inlaws are good people, and her dh is in different rather than hostile to them. Obviously if that wasn't the case, my advice wouldn't hold.

I suppose it comes down to reasons for stopping contact. At 15 it could be anything from an abusive relationship, controlling or just an argument such caused a divide which only widened after he moved out. And depends how OP's DH would feel about her having contact. My sister was very headstrong and had some huge arguments with my parents, if she could have moved out she would have done but it all settled down after a few years.

I've someone laid back about his family too. They know by this stage if they need a reply to something, to text me instead. But I draw the line at being their flying monkey - a few times I've been given out to over something that my DH has decided to do, and I've quickly batted that back. They do not get to tell him off via me as a proxy.

Leaving home at 15 and having very little contact is unusual. Maybe you should just let him be the judge of whether or not he wants them in his life and his family or not. You say you haven't spent a lot of time with them. He has, so trust him on it.

Sorry, Barbarian. But as I, and others have said, OP does NOT know that they are good people. She barely knows them at all. I wasn't the only one who found it odd that she describes them pleasantly and her DH derogatorily.

It seems an odd tack to take and may backfire on her if she ploughs on regardless.

Ok, she barely knows her in-laws but she knows her DH.

He had a falling out with his dad over what to do with his life - apparently the were both equally stubborn. DH was by his own admission a difficult teen and decided to go off (got into masses of trouble too before he righted himself and built himself up better than any of his siblings). Everyone is over it water under bridge etc. But he's had a different life to them all, doesn't really relate, happy to meet up for short doses every year or two and basically really likes his space. Which is fine. It's just when I get pulled into it that I get annoyed, he's clearly not a demonstrative fella and he's certainly not one to go out of his way for anyone - if he was I'd like a few demonstrations myself, haha! If I had a relationship with them to begin with, maybe....but I don't.
Everyone suggesting organising thank you cards and such is right though, I need to get that sort of thing sorted, I've become as rude as I accuse him of being.
They're not being horrid I don't think (I reacted more negatively than I should have or would have ordinarily because of my own issues and the timing, like I said...but again they don't know anything about me so they weren't to know). They do want to have a relationship clearly, they're all very, very close to each other except for him (big family too)...they're probably just frustrated and can get a hold of me but can never catch him so I got the sharp end there as a default.

I guess I should clarify on me and DH as well.....like I mentioned I've had a rough period and have found he was unable to support me emotionally through any of it...I'm coming out of it now but I feel sad and lonely about not having had that support, hence the unkind language to vent.

Ohhhhhhh......actually that's just clarified to me why I feel as hostile about this whole thing as I do...if I'm still sore about not having gotten support from him myself, why should I be facilitating them for the same purpose...hmm.....introspection time.

My dad has no contact with his family, apart from his deceased brother's two adult sons- and that's mostly more through me than anything else. My husband has zero contact with his mum and almost none with anyone else. I can't say I understand it totally, but I honestly do respect their rights to conduct (or not) their relationships as they see fit.
(Although there will always be a small part of me that thinks "but I want to know cousins and aunties and uncles and go to family parties and feel connected and this is just so unfair").

a DIL is expected to take over from her husband and assume responsibility for contact with in-laws?

My IL had this idea what was odd was they made dam sure I was very aware that I wasn't part of their family. Any effort I did make wasn't good enough.

I do thank you cards with the children - blank cards and a craft session - job done and a fun activity for the kids. DH does rest.

I'd direct them back to your DH in future being polite but distant.

It is extreme to leave at 15 - and I think there could well be more going on behind that even if your DH isn't saying much.

InWithTheOutlaws

A couple of things stand out to me.

"he was unable to support me emotionally through any of it"

You should look at how he was brought up for this, it doesn't sound to me like his family are particularly supportive of each other.

"He had a falling out with his dad over what to do with his life - apparently the were both equally stubborn. DH was by his own admission a difficult teen and decided to go off"

"DH family at this point decided to send me a snippy messages about my lack of effort etc."

They are OK when they get what they want then get "snippy", "stubborn" or "pushy" (not sure it if was you that said pushy).

The Husband bad/inlaws good sounds (to me) like they have you at a vulnerable point and are happy to let you believe this.

Non of this makes me see them as good people.

After reading 'Wifework', I'm even more sensitive about this kind of thing. My partners parents are lovely, lovely, lovely people - However they are his parents, not mine. We actually send separate presents (engaged, not married) and I can see that continuing... Not because he's useless, as he does make effort, but because most of the time, I'm far more organised than him and am sorted months before a birthday / Christmas and he's more 'last minute', so we just do what works for us.

If I had to sort out his family 'on his behalf', I'd actually start to resent him.

FluffyPersian

If I had to sort out his family 'on his behalf'

But the OP isn't doing it in his behalf she is doing it because she thinks that he should have a better relationship with them.

Ohhhhhhh......actually that's just clarified to me why I feel as hostile about this whole thing as I do...if I'm still sore about not having gotten support from him myself, why should I be facilitating them for the same purpose...hmm.....introspection time.

Ah! There is something you can go to work on. If he is like that with you then you do need to sort it out with him.

But concentrate hat discussion on you and him. His family need not enter into it at all. Mostly becasue you will be diluting the discussion, taking it away from your relationship.

If it is of any help at all, it took me years to get my DH to talk about his relationship with his family. We first had to (and still do, sometimes) talk our way through how he seems to tread on eggshells around me all the time. Not for anything I have done, but because that is how he was 'programmed' as a kid.

But we do now talk about it more openly, less defensively, and are both far happier as a result.