to not want another child

[CheezyDibblez]

Just that, really.
DS is nearly 4, really lovely kid, but hard work as all kids are. He's quite shy, needs a lot of reassurances when confronted with new situations. He's an 'observer' rather than a 'participator' by preference. He gets easily downhearted and put off tasks if he can't do them easily, & is - don't want to write a 'push-over', it's not quite what I'm grasping for - easily jostled aside with more assertive peers...? This can upset him, he can be a bit emotionally fragile, it can 'ruin' his play. I work on confidence with him, and having started pre-school, things have improved exponentially.
However.
Whenever I discuss this with DH, or family, or even very very generally with friends, I get the stock: 'it's because he's an only child'; 'if he had a sibling, he wouldn't be so precious'; and my favourite 'he needs a brother or sister to play with'. 🙄
If I had a quid for every comment of how selfish I am for not 'giving' him a sibling, or how 'lonely' he is without a sibling, I wouldn't have to buy the cheapish plonk I drink.
He has kind of ended up being an only child by a degree of default. DH is pretty much infertile, his sperm count is very, very low, and not the greatest quality. We therefore had IVF, and were damn lucky, not only to have it on the NHS, but to have DS.
During my pregnancy, DH went off the rails & wanted out of the relationship. It was absolutely horrendous. This continued for the first few months of DSs life. Things were patched together, but that, coupled with some eye-wateringly awful PND, a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder & subsequent SSRIs for nearly 2 years has left me with a couple of mild hurt, rage & fury issues. I am better. I am. But I'm not healed.
I work FT, as does DH. The nature of his job means he is out the house early & home late-ish. He also works some evenings & weekends. The bulk of the childcare falls to me. I do 80% of school drop offs and near-as-damnit 100% school pick-ups. I do the majority of the domestic work; it's not that DH won't do it, he just doesn't think to & will if I ask. But I don't want to ask, he's not to do it for me, but simply because it fucking needs doing.
I should add that he is a fabulous Dad, and he & DS have a great relationship.
The subject came up again last night. DH would like another child. He would like a sibling for DS. His parents are fairly vocal about their desire for another grandchild (you're selfish Cheezy, he's lonely Cheezy, you're not being fair to him Cheezy 🙄) despite having a total of 3, thanks to H's brother.
I am now early 40s. We would require IVF that we world have to (of course) pay for. He was an utter (self-confessed) grade A cunt during my last pregnancy. I already work FT & do the majority of domestic tasks & 'wife work'; I don't see that scenario changing with another, if notoriously tricky IVF-in-the-over-40s works.
AIBU to not want another?

Worst thing you could do. I was only going to have one, I was told a bit that I was selfish. Not much though as I'm a bit fierce. I did change my mind and have another one. But the rivalry between them was horrific for years - far from providing a playmate I provided a battle mate. It nearly destroyed our marriage and my younger child is still suffering from the fall out. So I wouldn't bring another child into a less than perfect set up when you don't actually want one!

Ummm...no! Yanbu at all!

If you were to have another baby despite all the above reasons, then you would be unreasonable!

You've obviously thought long and hard about this. Trust your decision, it's the right one.

YANBU I know quite a few people who chose to only have one child and all are happy - no regrets. There are ups and downs to small and large families.

Don't worry about other people think, do what you think is right.

As for your dh, that's very disappointing. You do need to address this. It's not a popular thing to say on MN but my experience is that most men seem to take longer to grow up, take responsibility and do what's right. Hopefully he will sit up and listen if you lay it on the line?

Quiet is by Susan Cain, great read. If you look her up she's got something on the internet about raising quiet children, will link if I can find it again.

I am also an 'observer', nothing wrong with that at all :)

Not that it's any of their business if or why you do or don't have another baby, not your responsibility to provide them with grandchildren, tell them to get a puppy!!! grin

Maybe get a dog or pet yourself (if you don't already have one). It might give your son some confidence and someone who isn't is parents to talk to.

It's uncanny how much your son sounds like mine! Honestly that entir description is HIM! He's 3yr 8m and has a little brother 24m and will be getting another brother in 2 months time.

His sibling hasn't altered his personality in any way. The 2yr old is much wilder, more confirming and assertive than DS1. Still hasn't changed him

So they're speaking bollocks.

Confirming?? That's an autocorrect should say confident.

YANBU

I have an only, she's 12 now, and it's so nice. In theory I have time to try again (early 30s) but I don't want to. I'm very happy with what we have . Stand your ground, do what's right for you and your son.

YANBU!

YANBU. Just tell your H, 'You were a cunt during my pregnancy. You don't pull your weight at home. So I refuse to go through IVF to have another child.' The end.

Another only child here and I hate the whole poor lonely only child thing. I had a great childhood and now have a fantastic relationship with my parents. Don't let anyone guilt you into having another!

We also have an only. I'm sure my parents and PILs would have loved another grandchild but due to an extremely hard labour, PND for 2 years, marriage coming close to divorce (I seriously thought I was going to be a single parent for quite a while and did not want to bring another child into a breakup) and a miscarriage, that ain't gonna happen. The difference is, after asking once and being told "highly unlikely but you'll know if that ever changes" they SHUT UP about it. Stand your ground. The stereotypes around onlies are ridiculous, there are as many personalities amongst onlies as any other combo of family dynamic. You should never have a child unless with all your heart and soul you really want that child, and not just to be a playmate or to conform to current social trends.
Ignore the PIL pressure. Tell DH to shape up. Do what's right for your body and your family.

This sort of thing really boils my piss . IVF, pregnancy, childbirth...we're talking about a huge amount of physical and emotional stress and that's before the actual parenting bit starts! Why anyone would think it was acceptable to pressure, guilt or manipulate another person into undertaking such a monumental and profoundly personal commitment is beyond me. Your PIL's think their desire for another grandchild trumps your right to body autnonomy and to make your own life choices and they have the cheek to call YOU "selfish"?? There is no evidence whatsoever that a sibling will make a jot of difference to your sons emotional, social or academic development (and he sounds wonderful just as he is, by the way) so your PIL's are talking uninformed bollocks. Clearly, they are only thinking of themselves and hope that dressing up their own selfishness as concern for your DS's welfare will tug at your heart-strings. It's emotional blackmail.

As for your DH, he should be telling your PIL to mind their own business and treat you with respect instead of jumping on the bandwagon. It's massively thoughtless and insensitive of him to try to pressure you into a second child when he he treated you appallingly throughout your pregnancy, he knows you went through the absolute hell that is PND and he doesn't do his fair share with the child you've already got! But even without any of that, simply not wanting to have another child is enough of a reason in itself.

I think you need to tell your DH exactly what you've written here.

Then, tell him he needs to get his parents off your back or you will be sharing it all with them too.

I have three siblings. Two of my closest friends are only children. When i see the amount of love, attention and not-to-mention actual cold hard cash during times of need (unemplyment etc) my friends' parents lavish on them, I feel so jealous. It is true that having siblings has definitely enriched my life, and I love it that my kids have loving aunts and uncles, but I wouldn't say AT ALL that only kids have it harder.

The only real problem with being an only kid that i can see is as regards parent care as your parents age. At least when there are siblings, you would hope there will be some (most likely not-quite satisfactory to everyone) distribution of the financial and emotional requirements of their upkeep. Single kids are hit hard in that aspect.

YANBU

My son is 5 and just as you describe yours. I had a little girl 16 months ago and did wonder if it might change his behaviour a little. She is utterly rambunctious and his opposite in many ways. He hasn't changed at all. Siblings don't necessarily change each other. They adore each other, but it doesn't change who my ds inherently is.

From the situation you describe, having another child would be hell for you, just to give dh/in-laws another baby to show off (because let's face it, you do the heavy lifting the rest of the time).

I've also had IVF multiple times in my thirties and it was bloody hard. If I was in my 40s and wasn't that keen on another? No. Don't do it. It's so tough, emotionally, financially, mentally. Why would you unless you were personally desperate for another child.

Lots of advantages to having one. Keep strong.

Yanbu at all. Tell people to keep their beaks out. My best friend had her dd at 40. She then had numerous miscarriages and then and now has to put up with people saying what a shame her dd is an only.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment.
It does help crystalise everything I've been thinking & feeling

Your dh is not a great father or husband. He sounds like he and his parents are living in the 1950's.
He should be supporting you in your decision, not adding the pressure.
Do you actually enjoy his company or are you relieved he works so much and is out of your hair?
In comparison, my dh works full time. Im a SAHM. He still manages to change nappies, feed ds, and do household chores as required. It's about mutual respect and making each others lives better.
Your ds sounds lovely the way he is btw. I much prefer talking to people who think before they speak.

Forget the wider world's opinions - they can jog on.

Now to your husband! He can want another child all he wants but:

-he wanted out last time you were pregnant
-he was useless during the first months of your son's life
-he does no housework - leaving it to you
-he works long hours including some evenings and weekends - leaving childcare to you

Furthermore:

-you would need expensive, no-guarantee IVF
-you suffered PND etc last time (prob due to his behaviour)
-the hurt from your husband's behaviour last time is still there
-you're in your forties (I'm 38 with three children and it's totally exhausting!)
-you both work FT (let me guess - it'd be you who had to take time off)
-it's YOUR body that would have to undergo the traumas of IVF, pregnancy and childbirth

Perhaps in an ideal world you might have wanted another child. But let's be clear here - your husband has created many (all?) of these obstacles! He should be on his knees apologising for the fact that you are now in a position where you don't want another rather than bullying you into changing your mind.

As others have said, you don't even need to justify your decision.
I'm only having one, and I was lucky enough to have an easy time conceiving, an easy pregnancy, and (touch wood) have found every stage of dd's childhood relatively easy so far. But I only want one child! Dd is perfectly happy with this, and in fact quite insistent on it when people ask her (as they probably shouldn't) if she'd like a little brother or sister.
I always tell people who ask (not in dd's hearing obviously) that she is so used to having all our attention that I think she'd probably drown the baby in the bath. Well, they did ask!
I don't accept for a second the only child = awful personality thing. My dh, one of my best friends, and my db's partner are all only children, and the only thing they all have in common, which I don't always see so much in others, is a quiet confidence and assuredness of being liked, which I have always rather admired!

Yanbu for all the reasons set out above. Get your dh to read the article 'my wife left me because i left my dishes by the sink'

If it helps any, the youngest of our four sons sounds like a carbon copy of your son-and he has three older brothers to 'play with'!! If you don't want one, don't have one.

Yanbu.
I have a younger brother and am still a socially anxious introvert.

Of course you're not being selfish.

I am also leaning towards toddler ds being an only as I find it such hard, draining work - I'm not a natural, and much as my body longs to be pregnant again, I worry about how I'd cope with 2.