to ask if anyone has experience with a teen DD cutting and what should I do?

[Proginoskes]

Well, just that, really. Backstory: back in December there was a huge blowup in her friend group. A couple ex-friends spread nasty rumours about her to the point that I pulled her from the school and am home educating her. Before I pulled her from school, she had begun cutting. Shortly after, she had a mental health crisis, was hospitalised for two weeks and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder NOS. She hadn't cut for quite some time after getting out of hospital New Years' Eve but now has begun again even though we'd removed or locked away all blades in the house - she's bought more or got a razor from a friend or something! She came to me Friday and showed it to me and we talked calmly about it but inside I was losing my mind. All the information I can find is counterintuitive to me - it says be understanding, don't watch the child all the time, just ask if they want to talk about it etc. etc. when my instinct is to a) not let her out of the house until she gives over the razor she's used (she won't) and b) if she continues accessing razors etc when out with friends, not let her go out with friends. It seems like just letting her go on about it is allowing her to harm herself and as her mother that seems like the wrong step to take. For what it's worth, she has a therapist and discusses this cutting with him, but he is not allowed to tell me what goes on in their sessions unless she consents, and she won't (she's sixteen).

Has anyone else had a teen do this? How did you get through it?

I've been through this with my eldest daughter, started at 13, coming up to 15 now and I think she's stopped at the moment. When it first happened we just all went into shock and denial really, blew up at her, took everything sharp away, shouted, grounded her etc. That made things worse. The next time we found out about, I'd done some reading and research, stayed calm but called her school, and they were fantastic. They were really understanding, arranged for her to see a counsellor, talked to me about how very common it is for teenagers to do this, and that in terms of risky behaviours it could be so much worse, at least she was doing it at home, and at least she admitted it to us, and was looking to us for support. Her issues mostly revolve around friendships, she can be argumentative, she is struggling with her sexuality (this madness to label themselves as something!) and I can remember (it was a very long time ago!!) what absolute cows teenage girls can be to each other.

I don't know what has changed for her to have stopped this behaviour, but she has calmed down a lot, spends a little less time in her bedroom, I hug her a lot and she comes to me for hugs. I try not to pry, I try not to judge, I try not to let her see how much my heart aches for her. Her relationship with her dad is still rocky, it is hard to keep him calm when he sees that she has been hurting herself. The whole concept of deliberately hurting yourself is alien to us both.

I guess what I'm saying is that you're not alone, it is so hard to see your gorgeous baby hurting emotionally, physically and being unable to make it better for them. All you can do is make sure she knows you are there for her, that she has a safe space with you, and trust her to come to you when she needs you. And huge hugs to you too, it's exhausting trying to be strong all the time. Have a good cry or scream (when she's not around to hear!)

Never underestimate a silent hug.

It's true not everything can be talked about.

It is good for her to know you care that she harms but at the same time don't try to control it or react too badly - that just adds guilt. It's a fine balancing act.

If she doesn't want to harm but feels compelled then drawing butterflies on the area can help. I emphasise can. And this is if she is trying to wean off it. (It does become addictive). She biros on a butterfly and if the butterfly survives uncut until it washes it has flown away.

I stopped SH (mostly) at 19. I am still scarred. And I still have intrusive thoughts about harming 25 years later. It is a compulsion. Even with meds BPD takes a while to find your feet, your voice and what works for you. It is very much a learning process.

As an ex (for the moment) self harmer there is honestly nothing you can do.

If she is getting a release from fairly minor cuts I think you have to let her get on with it. I understand that goes against every instinct of a mum but unless cutting works for you it is hard to explain how important the release is.

If it makes you feel better I cut lots after a mental health breakdown. After a fair a,punt of time in therapy I developed healthier ways of dealing with life's pressures (not alternatives to sh-ing but a general better way of dealing with life)

I have not self harmed for many years now even after going through some really tough times.

Keep going with the therapy and she'll get there. I so understand it's heartbreaking while its going on

Hello, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I self harmed from the age of 12 and have bipolar. I didn't understand why I cut at the time and found it so shameful that I absolutely refused to discuss it with anyone.

With hindsight, I can see that it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. I used it to release tension and stress, caused by day to day issues like bullying, boys, exam pressures and parental arguments and massively intensified by my illness. My mum was so terrified by my self harm that she used to do unhelpful things like refuse me to lock the bathroom door, make me stand in front of her in my pants to prove I hadn't cut. I used to spend so much effort resisting the urge to cut, so as not to let her and other adults down, that when I gave in I did it much worse because I felt so bad about myself. My cuts got bad enough to need stitches. I eventually used it as a way to punish myself, because I felt everyone hated me for being ill.

I am now a happy adult with a lot of scars. Bipolar is not that hard to manage, but just means that everyday stress will hit your dd harder than most. Respect that, and let her know you're on her side. I felt like a total freak for being sad and dissociated all the time and this intensified my alienation and cutting.

Even with the cutting, she is a teen and will value respect and privacy. Paradoxically, it might be safest to let her have her own space, than try to supervise her so much that she has no opportunity to cut.

Also, I had very few healthy coping mechanisms at that age. Took me many years to learn to stop, slow down, have a bubble bath, even something basic like saying nice things to myself instead of being stuck in a nasty depressed mental loop made a huge difference.

Matt Haig's book "reasons to stay alive" is really great and helped me.

I'm glad she has support. In time she may feel it's easier to be more open with you. My own mum was a paeds counsellor and I didn't talk to her til I was in my mid 20s! Sometimes it's just too hard to tell your parents/loved ones the worst parts of depression. At least in the moment.

My own cutting spontaneously ceased when I got to a certain age, I think because I learnt to make myself a nice dinner, go for a walk or a run, do happy little things to cheer me up so the tension didn't built up like it used to. Now the idea of cutting makes me feel sick. I feel your dd will be okay.

this must be so hard for you. My son is only 2, but I used to be that 16 year old with bipolar disorder and cutting myself daily with razor blades. You can't stop her hurting herself I'm afraid. What stopped me was getting a boyfriend, and him making me promise not to do it again. I never did it again until we broke up when I was 20! Point being - I understand you want her to stop, and you feel as a parent it is your job to make sure she isn't doing it. From what you tell it doesn't sound like she's making massive cuts that needs stitching etc, so it's more "manageable" than that. Which a very good thing. Be caring and compassionate if she shows you, don't shame her or react with anger - she will keep doing it, just hiding it from you instead. PM me if you want more talking

I just wanted to thank all of you wonderful people for this advice. Between your stories and getting some rest, and seeing that DD is otherwise doing well and mostly happy, I am so, so relieved.

Pidapie no, she's not made any cuts that would require anything much more than a...uh. I forget the British term for it. A plaster? Band-Aid, over here. She's only had to have one once. The rest are just enough to show a tiny bit of blood. And I definitely don't react with horror or anger, as much as I was horrified the first time she showed me! I took a look at it to see if it needed washing/Neosporin ointment/a Band-Aid, and she seemed happy for me to look at it in that capacity (I'm a former EMT so I'm sort of Medical-Mom as well).

Am also very relieved (though I know it's early on so not to get too complacent) that she's fully compliant with her medication times and her treatment appointments with her therapist and prescribing psychiatrist. Since her diagnosis I've been very kind-but-firm about "this is what you do now to manage this" and she's so far accepted my direction. I'm finally to the point where I'm okay with her having sleepovers - I just send her evening meds in a pill carrier and she's to be home in time to take her morning meds 12 hours later, and she's done fine so far.

Mostly this is just a big thanks to all the people who cut or used to cut and shared their stories and experiences; all I've ever wanted is to be a person my wee girl goes to when she needs help or is overwhelmed and at first I was wondering what I did wrong. Now I think I understand - the cutting is for when it's just too much for words, too much to explain to anyone, and it's just a feeling that needs to get out. I'll stay trying to be a rock for her, and keep the Band-Aids handy as well.

and to all of you.

She is very lucky to have such an understanding and supportive mum - good on you!

Op you sound brilliant

I started cutting when I was 12 (I've nc for this)

My story is that I began then and only got help in my early 30s. My mum, who is wonderful, knew about it (like you through school) but had no idea how to react. I felt incredibly guilty and it's certainly not something we ever discussed or I sought treatment for. I've now got treatment when it got bad a couple of years ago.

So - you're doing absolutely the right thing being conscious about it. You and your Dd are doing the right thing by getting support. Well done - that's so helpful.

But there's nothing you can do to make this just go away. The fact your Dd is talking to you is fantastic and shows what a brilliant relationship you have.

But you can't do anything to make it stop. You're doing all you can to help and that's the very best you can do. Keep talking, keep the lines of communication open even after when she's not talking.

Self harm is a coping mechanism - sometimes for awful stuff, sometimes for just life things you don't need to know about. Now you have medical help in place the best thing you can do is just be there.

WhoseBadgerIsThis from way back, you asked about switching to ibuprofen for pain? I was all for only having ibu in the house but DD's psychiatrist was firm about not using it with the particular medications she takes (bupropion, quetiapine and lithium) because of some kind of interaction that...I probably should remember but can't right now. All I have in my head is NO IBU OR NAPROXEN FOR DD in big neon letters.

Here by the way is a picture of the wee girl, at the homecoming dance in October before all the trouble started. I didn't see that smile for a long time and I'm so glad it's coming back.

Um, does she know you put that photo up? Just wondered if she was OK with having her photo connected to a thread about her self harming?

She's fairly open about the self-harming, AliceScarlett...she told me this afternoon that she had to explain it to her friends at their weekly gaming group (which is online via Skype so everyone knows what everyone looks like). Also, she's me to put the picture up on other places when I asked for a pic she didn't mind people seeing. It's kind of her "standard picture". Besides, no name to go with - if her name was in it or on it it'd be different. I can understand and appreciate your concern, but in this case it's not a great big deal.

Ugh, brain is swiss cheese and left a word out, meant to say

Also, she's told me to put the picture up...

What a stunning girl!
As to the ibuprofen - definitely go with what the psychiatrist says rather than my suggestion!