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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to visit a colleague outside of work?

60 replies

whattodowiththepoo · 11/02/2016 19:48

Name changed and pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong, I'm definitely not in any trouble just wondering about opinions.

My assistant has been off work for 3 days sick, one morning I had a cancelled appointment and was very close to her house so I tried calling to see if I could stop by and say hello.
She didn't answer but we have a good relationship so I picked up some food and took it to her house, she is really poorly but seemed happy to see me and was happy about the food and thanked me.
But, her mother is visiting her and made it very clear she thinks I should not be visiting her daughter outside of work because it's inappropriate.
Exactly how inappropriate do you think it is?

OP posts:
HowBadIsThisPlease · 11/02/2016 20:44

I would hate this. You are her job - dealing with you is what she is paid to do, and can't face when ill. You brought her job right into her house when she had formally communicated she was unable to do it right now. incredibly insensitive.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/02/2016 20:44

The line is a dot to you.

Sorry, but Grin

cdtaylornats · 11/02/2016 20:46

When I was in hospital I was extremely grateful to dee my colleagues including my boss.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 11/02/2016 20:50

I wouldn't want visitors when I was really sick, even close friends. I'm sure you meant well and it wasn't intended as checking up but it's not something I would do.

LalaLyra · 11/02/2016 20:50

If you are friends and colleagues then fine.

If you are only colleagues or boss/assistant then way over the line.

origamiwarrior · 11/02/2016 20:54

When I was in hospital I was extremely grateful to dee my colleagues including my boss

That's very different though
(a) it wasn't intruding to your personal and non-work sphere (i.e. your home)
(b) visiting hours in hospital mean there was a period where you were anticipating potential visitors
(c) since you were in hospital, there would be no suspicion on your part that they were 'checking up on you', thinking that you were skiving. Very different!

Sparklingbrook · 11/02/2016 20:54

I tried calling to see if I could stop by and say hello.
She didn't answer

That was a good enough indication for me not to drop round uninvited.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 11/02/2016 20:54

When I was in hospital I was extremely grateful to dee my colleagues including my boss

Different to your boss coming to see you at home.

Sorry OP, really, really unacceptable.

Why are you so sure that you're in no trouble over this? I hope you're not, but be prepared for fallout.

NerrSnerr · 11/02/2016 20:54

It is only ok if you call ahead but not ok to turn up unannounced. If I was off sick it would be likely I was in bed or at least not in day clothes so I would hate to have a unannounced visitor.

Original poster
whattodowiththepoo · 11/02/2016 20:55

It wasn't checking up on her, I have been to her house before and we have worked together for a very long time we are friends as well as work together.
I'm not in any trouble with HR and she had no problem with me going round, like I said I'm not in any trouble.

OP posts:
FortyFacedFuckers · 11/02/2016 20:56

I went to visit a colleague who is off sick last week but we text each other most says and often see each other outside of work have been to each other's houses (also it was prearranged) but if any of my other colleagues turned at my house I'd be very HmmShockConfused
To be honest I doubt I would turn up at even a close friends without arranging if I knew they were sick.

ilovesooty · 11/02/2016 20:58

Well if you think it's fine and she thinks it's fine I don't really see why the opinions of others would be relevant to you.

If any manager of mine did this I'd raise a formal grievance.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 11/02/2016 21:02

OP, you asked. Most people think YWBU.

Of course your colleague was 'fine' about it. She has to be.

I have worked with people senior to me who I considered to be friends. I would be very, very unhappy if they turned up on my doorstep when I was off work sick. Especially if I'd already not answered the phone to them. But yes, I would be 'fine' about it to their face.

Sagethyme · 11/02/2016 21:04

I think you meant well OP but two issues:
Your appointment was cancelled so technically you should have gone back to the office or next appointment as you were being paid (unless you are self employed and she's an employee) to work, not go on a social visit.
Second issue: She's off sick, therefore your visit could easily be misconstrued as checking up on her. Which could land you in hotwater.
FWIW i'm sure it will be fine as it sounds like you are friends as well as colleagues, but i wouldn't do it again... Not worth potential hassel.!

Lifeisontheup2 · 11/02/2016 21:05

If you're friends with her and see each other outside work then I can't see the problem.
It isn't inappropriate to visit a colleague outside work if both parties are happy with it, I house sit for 2 of my colleagues quite often and I've been round when they're off sick but with prior arrangement.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/02/2016 21:06

You think what you did was fine, and your colleague says it was fine, so all good, surely.

But you obviously have a niggle about it, or your wouldn't have posted. The response on here has been to confirm that niggle.

You still think what you did was fine, so that's the end of it.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/02/2016 21:09

As a friend, it's fine but you're also her manager so I can understand why her mum was Hmm It's not appropriate for a manager to turn up on their staff member's doorstep when they are off sick.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/02/2016 21:35

We need more information. e.g. how close the out-of-work relationship is.

I have a couple of colleagues who have become such close friends that I now consider them friends first and colleagues second. This includes my boss and in this scenario either of us would drop by the other's house exactly as described.

LadyStoicIsBack · 11/02/2016 21:37

Are you also female OP? (I'm not just going to assume you are because you're on Mumsnet!) and when was 'one morning' - today? A week ago? Is she now back at work and this was ages ok?

I'd be really uncomfortable with it as per PP's views, likewise fact that of course she was 'fine' to your face as how could she not be?!

I think things like her age/your age, your gender, the size of your department and thus how close colleagues are to each other etc, all factor in as well but my headline response would also be YWU (& I suspect you know this as otherwise you wouldn't be asking IYKWIM).

Out of curiosity, what makes you so so certain you're 'not in any trouble'? How do you know this with such certainty? And how did her Mother 'make it clear to you' that she thought it was innappropriate? At the time/later by call or e-mail?

Sorry for so many questions but the answers would be useful to help try and hazard a guess as to how OOO this was and if indeed you MIGHT yet find yourself in trouble...

LadyStoicIsBack · 11/02/2016 21:38

Cross post with Hearts - but kinda re-emphasises the need for more info if you want us to be honest with you here.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 11/02/2016 22:48

I have a couple of colleagues who have become such close friends that I now consider them friends first and colleagues second. This includes my boss and in this scenario either of us would drop by the other's house exactly as described

But that creates the scenario in which you are 'visiting a friend' in work time; the fact that she also works for the company becomes irrelevant.

Boundaries have been blurred - there are only two acceptable scenarios. Either the OP was a supervisor visiting her staff member during work time in line with the HR policy, or she was a friend visiting another in her own time.

Anything else carries the potential risk of blowing up in the OPs face later down the line.
For instance, if the staff member concerned has repeated time off sick to the extent that she faces disciplinary (which may take months to arise), the OPs visit last week could be raised as evidence that the company did not follow procedure.

StarCat · 12/02/2016 00:02

Dh's big boss did this once and just walked straight in, didn't knock and didn't bring food!

StarCat · 12/02/2016 00:05

What kind of place do you work in? They didn't have HR at dh's place so you just had to laugh it off. You weren't really allowed to complain as they would get rid of you.

FloraFurball · 12/02/2016 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 12/02/2016 01:20

The only way this is ok OP is if you're friendly enough with her that you often pop round unannounced to each others' houses to socialise, and it doesn't sound like this is the case.

I've been friendly with long-term bosses before. That doesn't mean I wouldn't have asked them what the fuck they were playing at if they turned up at my house while I was off sick when I'd blatantly ignored their phone call. Your assistant obviously isn't as forward as I am, but her mother is, thankfully.

People in general don't want to see colleagues when they're not dressed for work and are under the weather.

And think about it. She's at home sick. She neither answered your call nor rang you back in the time it took you to go and buy food and take it to her. She was definitely ignoring your call.