to find my in laws behaviour strange?

[vcrees6]

So some background to avoid Drip feeding -

In laws live in another country, since DS born 2 years ago they either come and stay with us or we go and stay with them (in total 3 times a year averaging 10 days per visit). DS is their first and only grandchild. They are in their late 60's, reasonable health, active on their feet etc. They have a quiet retired life and go on regular holidays which don't involve visiting us.

We live in a 2 bedroom flat with just 1 bathroom so them coming to stay is ok but does mean DH and I sleep on a mattress in the living room as DS won't sleep if anyone shares his room. DH works long hours, I am a SAHM and DS doesn't go to nursery.

We visited them at Christmas for a week and they are also coming to stay for 2 weeks in April. We tried to suggest that it wouldn't be convenient for them to also come and stay for 10 days in February as we are desperately trying to move to a new house and was likely we would have moved by April but still in flat in February. They like booking flights well in advance to save money so were not open to playing it by ear.

They insisted that February was a must as their daughter is going to live abroad indefinitely and wanted to see her before she left. They are just seeing her for one Sunday lunch though (they are not very close).

Anyway they are here now visiting and stated they were keen to help out and spend time with DS. So for me 'helping' is playing with DS - nothing too active just interacting with him doing puzzles, books, playing trains. Basically so I can get on with our everyday routine minus a toddler asking me to play whilst I'm trying to cook dinner, or me having to stop him climbing and falling off the dining table - without resorting to TV which is what I sometimes have to when it's just the 2 of us.

So far mornings are ok - routine breakfast, all of us off to the playground/park with grandparents in tow for a couple of hours then lunch and nap for 2/3 hours. In laws also nap.

Finally coming to the part I'm find strange: when everyone wakes up from their naps, the in laws just sit around in living room/adjoining kitchen doing solitary activities. MIL wearing headphones listening to audio books and doing crosswords. FIL on his tablet computer playing games or reading. DS walks around trying to engage them in play. They either ask the other one to play with him or play for 5 mins tops then back to their activities. I end up playing with him and then when it's dinner time I end up sticking the tv on as DS is around my ankles. When I do this, MIL finally springs into action and sits watching tv with him.

I am somewhat bemused and find it somewhat a) pointless for them to visit if point is to spend time with DS b) rude and anti social to be on headphones/tablet.

Is this a reasonable assessment? What (if anything) could I possibly say to them or do differently for the next visit?

Op he sounds like my 2 year old DS but surely you must know of a smaller/secure/mainly grass or soft surfaced playgrounds that they could take him to? Hardly requires suerman quick reaction times to walk him in buggy, put him in swings, get him out, let him run around and then stop off at a cafe on way home (you give the spending money)? Worst could happen is he does have a little tumble but you cant prevent that Anyway. I would definitely suggest they take him out in the afternoon and have some special time alone and give you a much needed break.

In future definitely not have them stay for this long. Your DH also seriously needs to have a word with them and ask they spend more 1-1 time with him and give you a break from them and DS!

I thought this was normal tbh - we all pretend parents/inlaws are coming 'to help out'. It makes them feel good. I just assumed it was yet another price to pay for the joy of parenthood.

In reality it's just more work and you have to cook more, tidy more, clean more, not wander round in your pants etc. But it IS company if you are a SAHM or a carer as I have now become. And as your DC gets older, I have found the grandparents are able to engage more and therefore be more helpful.

So it really just depends if it's good company or bad. In either case I find that heavy drinking takes the edge off . Two weeks would be a struggle for me tbh so it's harder if they have come a long way and stay longer.

"They think that helping out in the morning is enough and that you should be doing what you need to when your toddler naps.

For them, afternoon time is their time - they see they've 'helped' by being out all morning."

Agree. Maybe you can flip the day around. Ask them for help in the mornings. Tell them he doesn't watch TV in the mornings. Make dinner (you can heat it up later). You all relax/nap at lunchtime. Then take your son out in the afternoon while your PILs flop around.

Horrible behaviour on their part. I can't stand it when people (who aren't me) plonk my child in front of a screen to make their lives easier. TV is one of MY tools, to be used as a last resort.

I'd also say that if the above doesn't work -

If your son likes being in the pram, maybe your PILs could take him for a 30min walk either at the end or beginning of "park time". You can stay at home for 30min eating chocolate/making dinner/lying in a darkened room. Your PILs can take your son out without worrying he will fall over or get hurt.

I think a couple of hours in a park is probably quite a lot for them. They may seem healthy to you but actually find things difficult.

Mine are hopeless too. Once (pre children) they wanted to visit mid week despite neither of us being able to take time off work/college when I had a v demanding job involving working evenings as well as weekdays. We said no, they could come at the weekend instead but they got the huff, said they would have 'helped' us and didn't come at all. Have tried giving specific advice about how to help but MIL seemed offended when we suggested she put the kettle on soon after our second (very sick) baby was born. No I have no expectations and it's a bit easier. Frankly it's a relief they don't visit very much at all.

Can you have a discussion with dh about the fact that they said they wanted to come and help and yet have done no actual helping, they've come to watch at the park and that's it. And that it's driving you crazy having them there all the time, when dh isn't around, not helping, not doing anything with ds but just ignoring you in the afternoon, and what is he going to do about it?

Do you still have use a baby monitor in use?

And could you accidentally on purpose have this conversation in the room where the baby monitor is and the listening bit is switched on and next to your PIL - when they haven't got their headphones on!!

As for next time - sounds like you need to tell them that it's not convenient for them to come for more than xx days as you have guests coming - and if they book for more, then get a friend to come to visit on the day that you've said they need to go, and get them to stay in a hotel or go home or whatever, just so long as they are not with you...

I guess I do need to keep my expectations in check if this is the limit of what they would like in terms of interacting with DS. It is just sad to see him excited to see them after his nap but then interest not reciprocated.

My mum has health issues and just says to DS/me- sorry would love to play right now but not feeling up to it/need some time to recharge and that of course is perfectly understandable.

Definitely I could be more specific with suggestions of playing and plan better for their next trip in terms of realistic destinations/thinking about timings.

All really constructive suggestions and viewpoints thanks!

Could you invent some sort of excuse so they can't stay with you? Eg you have a bad back/knee/other health issue that makes it difficult for you to sleep on floor, so you won't be able to give up your bed and therefore they will need to book a hotel/air B&B this time? IMO it's unacceptable they insist on staying in your flat when it's cramped and you don't have a spare bedroom.

I suspect space/invasion of privacy is the underlying issue rather than how much time they spend with DS. They are helping in their own way. They watch DS in the mornings and are on hand in the park. Toddlers can be very full-on (and boring if not your own) I think they're entitled to a few hours break if on duty with him all morning. Why do you expect an all-day baby sitting service?

It does seem odd they ignore DS after their nap, but seems a clear message they want a break from him. Maybe they don't feel comfortable enough to verbalise this. Have you tried telling him 'grandma and grandpa have just woken up, let them relax for a couple of hours'. They may feel he's pestering them so they withdraw attention until he gets the message.

"Have you tried telling him 'grandma and grandpa have just woken up, let them relax for a couple of hours'. They may feel he's pestering them so they withdraw attention until he gets the message."

The OP could do that, but would still have exactly the same problem. To be honest, these people do not appear to have a problem in communicating their disinterest to their grandson, all on their own.