to think that maybe he could have/should have done more?

[possiblyunreasonable]

Have NC'ed.

The day exH and I broke up was..difficult. Things had been deteriorating for a long time and one day I just couldn't take any more. I decided to spend the night at a friend's house after work because I just couldn't bear to go back home to him. I told him where I was going, that I was safe and I would be home in the morning.

At the time ex was a SAHD and I worked late nights so the dc's were used to me not being there in the evening.

We broke up the following day. Unfortunately we just happened to have a friend and his son staying with us at the time. Now it was never ever my intention to do this while they were with us but as I said things had been awful for a long time and I just had reached breaking point but I was very prepared to do it in a calm way that would be the best for our children.

Unfortunately ex did not think the same way and was immediately furious, assaulted me, screamed at me, called me all sorts of disgusting names etc (not in the house, outside where the dc's didn't see).

When we went inside, obviously dfriend could see that the situation was getting bad so he collected his son and their things and left in a taxi. I completely understand this as he was doing the right thing to protect his son and that was his priority.

However, at the time ex had actually pulled a knife out and was threatening to harm himself (and potentially me?). This was all happening downstairs while the dc's were upstairs playing (so hopefully did not hear or see anything going on). I begged dfriend as he was leaving to help me because I was terrified about what might happen if I was left on my own with him. He refused and left. Tbh I'm not upset at him about that as his priority was to protect his son.

But aibu to think that just maybe, possibly, he was the tiniest bit unreasonable? Not for leaving like that but for not doing anything else? He could have called the Police, called back to check everything was ok, something? Or aibu?

Possibly love, just...no. Have you done the freedom programme or have you/ did you had any counselling or help to process what happened or for your depression?

I don't want to come across as being pushy or not listening to you but - honestly, he's not your friend, he doesn't care about you or your children and has nailed his colours to the mast by being pally with your abuser. He has taken sides, hasn't he? And its not yours. I think that should tell you a lot about the reasons he didn't bother to help you.

Why do you think you need to apologise to him? If he was a witness to you getting mugged on the street would you apologise to him? How would your apology go? I'm so sorry ex tried to kill me and I asked you for help when I was assaulted and terrified, I should have asked him to wait until you were gone so he could hurt me in private.
You are taking inappropriate responsibility here. So what if you had finally reached breaking point (with a volatile and aggressive man), do you believe that most people in that situation would be able to control themselves and, while it is upsetting, could deal with it appropriately? Because most people do. Most people are not volatile, not aggressive and most people are not physically, emotionally or sexually violent, full stop. It's not normal and it's not acceptable. What do you think the line is, past which we are punished with violence? You seem to still be thinking that you have to take a big slice of fault, you don't because there is no verbal line in the sand you can cross that ever, ever, will excuse what he did.
You have the right to end a relationship for any reason, he never owned you, he never had rights over you. Your reasons were bloody good ones though weren't they? Don't minimise the behaviour (that he was responsible for) from him that pushed you over the edge - did he behave as if his friend's presence was important enough to moderate his behaviour? No. Or was it because he didn't need to? The friend has accepted a lot without a challenge hasn't he?

You are worth so very much more than this. Friends are about quality, not quantity and if you would like more then there are lots of people and lots of ways to make them. What you don't need is this friend. He's made it very, very clear who he is. He's known your ex since childhood? You honestly think he doesn't know what your ex is? That he didn't know about his behaviour and find it acceptable, of course he did, he's still friends with a man he watched assault and threaten you with a knife. Do you think he was oblivious to how your ex spoke to you? Or about you? He wasn't.
You don't think he is abusive, maybe not but he's absolutely aok with it isn't he? Which should tell you all you need to know about what and who he is. You do not, absolutely do not, need to enter back into a dynamic that finds abuse and violence to women and children acceptable. Especially not when you still think you owe that piece of shit an apology. He didn't care about it for years. He left you to live or die at the hands of a pathetic thickwitted thug and it hasn't troubled him since has it? Doesn't seem to give him enough trouble to stop the benefits of his relationship with your ex. Hasn't stopped him cutting you out as a way to solve the problem, and be very clear here that they have made you the problem in this situation.
Would you be friends with anyone you knew, let alone saw, was so vile and unequivocally abusive? Nobody with any integrity or internal morality could stomach even being in the same room as someone so disgusting. Not your friend though... He's fine with it.

You won't get what you want from him. It will be a painful lesson.
I think you would do yourself a great favour if instead of crawling back to people who see you as nothing to bow and scrape and apologise, that you cut them out of your new and violence free life and spent that time making amends to yourself. Work on you, give yourself time and attention and love and be generous with it, seek out support and when you are confidently you seek out new people who will be better friends. He doesn't deserve you. You certainly don't need a friend like this.

It seems I'm the only one who does, but I can see the appeal in exploring whether or not you still have a friendship behind all this.

Perhaps I'm the fuzzy one who sees everything in a million shades of grey instead of black and white, or perhaps I'm in the wrong - I don't know. But in truth we don't know why dfriend didn't do more to help. You say he had an abusive ex-girlfriend. Being a victim of abuse can often give rise to a lot of self-loathing at the erroneous perception of having "allowed oneself" to be abused, and this can be transfered onto others; particularly those close to them.

Perhaps also what was clearly outright abuse to you looked different to a friend; someone who has known you as an apparently functional couple might not see how something could be frightening, intimidating, or hugely imbalanced power-wise. You'd think the presence of a knife would make it clear cut, but naivety and stupidity really do blind the mind when someone is familiar with you both and thinks they understand a couple's dynamic - this must be the cause of inaction at least as often as blatant disregard is.

Dfriend was also probably very angry they were there (with their child) in the first place. This is a notoriously blinding emotion.

I'm not saying it's okay. I'm not saying in hindsight and with clarity the right thing to do isn't obvious, but I think if you feel you want to reach out, why not? Perhaps there is a friendship there that can weather this - friendships weather worse - but equally perhaps there isn't enough mutual care and concern... but right now you don't know. If you're sure you really want to find out, I say go ahead.

prepares to be shot down