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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset by this death?

28 replies

LavenderLedge · 08/02/2016 17:18

My mum suffers with severe depression and all her life she has only had one trusted friend. They have been friends for 40 years. I remember this lady being a fixture of my childhood in that she'd come round for coffee, we'd all go for walks etc. Mum rarely leaves the house other than to meet up with me or this friend.

Yesterday we found out my mum's friend had died suddenly; it was totally out of the blue.

My mum has gone to pieces and I am struggling to deal with it too. I keep crying but feel like a fraud as she was my mother's friend not mine. I feel so desperately sad that she died the way she did, alone and outside in the cold, and I feel my mother's heartbreak.

Am I being the worst kind of grief jumper? AIBU to be so overwhelmed with sadness at the death of a lady I personally hadn't actually seen in years?

OP posts:
IPityThePontipines · 08/02/2016 17:21

If you're sad, you're sad. This lady sounds like she has been very good to your Mum for a very long time, I think it's understandable that you feel very upset by her death, particularly if it wasn't peaceful. Flowers

ZiggyFartdust · 08/02/2016 17:22

I would imagine you see her as an aunt type person? You feel how you feel, it doesn't matter how anyone else might feel. Just go with it.
Sorry for your loss.

GloGirl · 08/02/2016 17:35

She sounds like an Aunt, YANBU to be sad yourself. Wrapped up in your grief will be even more sadness for your mother.

Sorry for both of your losses Flowers

Osolea · 08/02/2016 17:39

You're not being a grief jumper at all, what you are feeling is genuine, and it's ok to feel sad at your mums loss as well.

HanYOLO · 08/02/2016 17:45

You're sad for losing someone who was a figure in your life; sad for your mum and perhaps worried about what it will mean for her. The manner of her death sounds traumatic too.

Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for caring about someone and feeling their loss.

velourvoyageur · 08/02/2016 17:49

Very sorry for your loss OP, what a shock for both of you. Take it easy for now.

And I agree with everyone else - it's perfectly fine for you to be upset & also to express that. There is no hierarchy or etiquette here. It's a sad situation for your mum too, I expect you're partly crying for her sake. We can't always neatly work out where feelings come from and what they're inspired by, but there is nothing wrong in your feeling like this.
(I've been having a blubber over Anne Frank most days last week & obviously I'm absolutely no one to her family, but I think I still feel sad about it.)

velourvoyageur · 08/02/2016 17:53
  • I think I can still feel sad about it
SweetieDrops · 08/02/2016 17:54

You're not a fraud or a grief jumper, this was a person who has been in your life for a long time. Take care of yourself and your mum and grieve if you need to.

x2boys · 08/02/2016 17:59

Sudden death is awful op my dsil.was found dead last yr it was just awful completely out of the blue Flowers

breezydoesit · 08/02/2016 18:05

YABVU to even consider beating yourself up about this.

You are entitled to feel a sense of loss about someone who has shown your mum kindness and been what seems like a wonderful friend.

Also, if this lady has passed away in tragic circumstances then it will have been a terrible shock for you.

Please don't feel bad about your grief OP. Whether you hadn't seen her in years or not, she has been an important part of your mother's life and yours because of this.

I hope you feel better soon OP and I
Hope your mum is ok

Flowers
AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2016 18:07

I cried buckets when my mum's BFF died. She'd been a wonderful 'auntie' (no kids of her own) to us and I had lovely memories of her. It was comforting for Mum and I to be able to share our sadness and our memories of her with each other.

OhYouLuckyDuck · 08/02/2016 18:08

YANBU, sorry for your loss.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2016 18:24

YANBU or a fraud, you are sad for this lady, for her history with you and your family and of course you are thinking of your mum.

If you need to contact a bereavement charity for you or your mum, please do. Please explain the specifics of the situation and they may well have some specialist help to offer, depending where you are.

www.cruse.org.uk/

There are things you can both do to help manage the grief, these may include counselling, they may mean going to the service of remembrance, if possible, planting a tree or a rose bush or other plant in her memory, naming a star or doing a number of things that can help you to cope with the grief.

When my father died we had a service of cremation and played his favourite song at the end, we scattered his ashes in a place we felt he would love, we sometimes toast him even now, and remember him. After his death we met as a family to look at photos and remember the good times. We even had a car boot sale and sponsored a donkey because he was a massive animal lover. These things may or may not feel appropriate for you, but sometimes one idea will emerge as a way to remember a special friend.

Please also consider a visit to the doctor to see what help may be available for your mum on the NHS in light of this tragic development.

Enkopkaffetak · 08/02/2016 18:32

Absolutely not a grief jumper. You have lost someone who has been a part of your childhood and someone you knew as a friend. Even if she was your mothers friend. She was someone who you also had a relationship with. Also someone who likely made you feel you had support for your mother with.

Utterly understandable and i am so sorry for your loss (and your mothers loss too)

mrsjskelton · 08/02/2016 18:34

Definitely not! My mums friend died very suddenly at the age of 60 and it devastated me. As much as I was sad at the loss of her, my grief was more because of how my mum would be affected losing this person. It's been 18 months now and it still hurts to think that my mum misses her.

mylaptopismylapdog · 08/02/2016 18:34

YANBU your Mum has lost her good friend and her support for your Mum was also a massive support for you and I bet she loved you too. Please don't beat yourself, up a lovely person who has represented pleasure and comfort throughout your life has suffered a cold lonely death and you are justified to feel as upset as you like. You also can understand how your Mum is feeling and you can both remember her. Is there anything the two of you could do that would help you remember the good times with her, or plant to be a reminder?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2016 18:36

I haven't heard that expression "grief jumper" before, but in my experience a person's death can genuinely affect many, many people.
As a PP said if you're sad you're sad.
Understandable to be so if you knew someone well in childhood even if you haven't seen them so much in recent years Flowers

AnUtterIdiot · 08/02/2016 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hygge · 08/02/2016 18:38

You are not a fraud.

She was your Mum's friend, she was important to your Mum, and she sounds like a nice person. You remember her fondly from your childhood and she was a good support to your Mum even now. It also sounds like she died in bad circumstances, and I'm sorry about that.

I think you sound really nice, and as though you have a lot of empathy for people, and that's a good thing. You are sad that a good person has died unexpectedly, and in upsetting circumstances, and I think that's a normal and natural reaction.

Flowers for you and your mum.

londonrach · 08/02/2016 18:40

Yanbu. My parents have a huge group of friends ive known pretty much all my life. Some i havent seen for years. If one of them died id be really upset as my parents have spoken about them on a regular basis and when i lived at home i saw them on a regular basis. Your mums friend sounds similar. She is important person in your life. Flowers x

Helmetbymidnight · 08/02/2016 18:46

My goodness I was thinking about my mums best friend today. She died 25 years ago and my mum 20 but it brought a tear to my eye.
She made my mum laugh so much!

You must feel v sad op Flowers

upthegardenpath · 08/02/2016 18:47

I've always been saddened whenever any good friend of my parents died. My dad's best friend from childhood died last year - I had never met him (he lived in Italy and had been unwell for years), but just seeing my dad in pieces was enough to upset me. You care about your mum immensely OP, so you are bound to share sadness, grief, anything. Goes with the territory. You also sound like a lovely person. Your mum is lucky to have you and hopefully you'll be able to get through this grief together, remembering and talking about her friend Flowers

upthegardenpath · 08/02/2016 18:49

AnUtterIdiot ditto to Bowie. Don't know why it got to me so much. Maybe a generational thing too- felt a bit like a little piece of my teens being taken away. Stupid, I know!

Original poster
LavenderLedge · 08/02/2016 19:06

Gosh thank you all so much; I've genuinely been berating myself for feeling so awful but reading your kind words and I realise I do have "permission" to grieve.

Truly, thank you.

OP posts:
SquadGoals · 08/02/2016 19:11

You are definitely not a grief jumper. It's an awful shock and I imagine you are also grieving on behalf of your Mum.

DH struggles to make friends, always has ever since he was little. He has acquaintances and couple friends of ours, but never close, close friends of his own. Except one.

He died nearly 3 years ago and it still makes me cry to think about him. Mainly on behalf of DH that he has lost his best friend and that I don't think things will ever be the same again for him. When we actually get properly married (currently equiv of civil partnership type thing), he won't be standing there next to him.

People that we know in childhood tend to make a big impression on us. You sound like a fantastic daughter and a big support to your Mum.

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