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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just heard really bad news about my n/c dad. I don't know what to do..

49 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 07/02/2016 14:54

My parents divorced when I was very young. My father was violent to my mother, and my older brother and I remember it vividly. We were forced to see him every weekend for most of our childhood, and it wasn't always bad. I had an older and younger brother with me and we would play etc, but mostly I just remember my dad sleeping in and being left to our own devices in the tiny flat where he lived. I had a half brother who got to stay at home with my mum and stepdad and we always felt jealous.

We voluntarily stopped going as teenagers because of going out with friends at weekends, and I gradually lost contact with him, though both of my brothers still saw him and speak to him on the phone.

When I got married I went abroad so I wouldn't have the issue around inviting him... When I had my DD1 be turned up at the hospital and it was awkward as anything. I didn't see him for years after that until I got a letter for a permission hearing for him to exercise his 'grandparents rights' and see my (now 2) DD's. I was so against this. He's so bitter now that all he does is says awful things about me, my mum and my stepdad... And wishes us dead. He even wrote a book and published it online about my mother and I going to hell. The judge denied him permission, and it was a horrible time. We had to call the police a few times when he was threatening and wouldn't leave us alone.

Now it's two years later and my brother tells me that my dad has liver cancer. A Google search tells me this doesn't have a very high percentage of good outcomes. Part of my thinks I should see him and make peace, if he is dying, but my parents, my DH and all my friends think this would be crazy after the life he's put us all through. I don't really want to see him... But I'm worried that it will plague the rest of my life if I don't. He's always sent us messages threatening us with various things... One of which being that he will haunt me when he dies... Which sounded stupid and I can't believe I've let it get to me this much, but I'm not sleeping thinking about it.

Not really an AIBU... But what should I do? What would you do?

OP posts:

VintageTrouble · 07/02/2016 16:12

Do you think you will regret not seeing him? If you assume he is the same horrible person he has always been?

If not, don't see him. If you do think about it very carefully, what will you regret and whether seeing him is likely to prevent that.

LuluJakey1 · 07/02/2016 16:13

You are still suffering the effects of his years of bullying and emotional abuse. That is why you feel like this.

Reading what you have said about his behaviour and treatment of you and your mother, I would not risk any contact with him, certainly not for his sake. Protect yourself from him, don't look back.

newyear16 · 07/02/2016 16:17

A difficult one. I would send him a card just saying you've heard the news and if he want to get in touch, here's my address/email address. That way the ball is in his court. You may regret it if you don't.

Madbengalmum · 07/02/2016 16:20

Stay NC, he sounds a vile individual who wont change just because he has cancer. If you were NC before because of his evil actions why bring the toxicity back into your life.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2016 16:26

You should do what feels right for you.Under the circumstances I don't think you owe him anything. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. But if you think in the future you might regret not making contact then think about it. But make the decision yourself and I don't think you should let your Mum and other relatives influence you.

iPost · 07/02/2016 16:37

Last night I was told my estranged father died of cancer a couple of months ago.

I don't feel great at all. My eyeslids look like overachieving pufferfish.

But I don't feel like I will be plagued forever becuase there was no last chance for him to let me to come to him with an expectation... that would be dashed.

I hurt. But I won't hurt forever. I will close the book. There was no happy ending. But there is an ending.

My sore and broken bits may never heal. And to be honest, even if miracle of miracles he had had a deathbed "scales falling from eyes" moment, and made amends... he couldn't have unpicked the years of pain.

love.

I think you got a rawer deal than I did. At least I wasn't faced with an active choice to make. I wish you peace with what you decide, and if you need to talk.. I'll be around.

Alienora · 07/02/2016 16:39

I don't see what good can come of breaking NC with such a man. You have nothing to feel guilty or worried about. I would leave him in the past where he belongs.

I felt only relief in a similar nc situation (when my parent in question had gone) as they could no longer hurt me.

harridan50 · 07/02/2016 16:42

You could write to your father giving him the option of contacting you directly. You do not need to see him but just have phone contact if that is easier and make sure you only do what you can cope with.

TheWitTank · 07/02/2016 17:03

My DH was nc with his father for ten years before he died of cancer. In those ten years his father was a horrible person -a liar, spiteful, mean. DH was told his father was dying and chose to stay away and not visit or make contact. The fact he was dying didn't change the fact he was an awful father or wipe out the last ten years of nastiness. DH is completely at peace with his decision and feels no guilt. In fact, the pressure is gone and he feels relieved (horrible as it sounds). You have nothing to feel guilty about. He has done plenty to validate your nc and to continue it. He won't haunt you as it just isn't possible. Ghosts don't exist. You must do what feels right to you, I think a letter is a good idea if you feel you must contact him.

UnderCrackers5 · 07/02/2016 18:59

He was always going to die, everyone does. He might have been hit by a bus the day after he was last horrible to you.
Just because he has a better handle on his sell by date doesn't make him any less of a rotter

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2016 19:16

Along with thinking about what feels right to you to do, also think about the 'worst case scenario'. If you did see him, what do you think the worse thing he could do/say to you would be and can you live with that as your 'last memories' of him.

And think about the fact if you are hoping for reconciliation, explanations, a chance to 'speak your truth', or an apology from him that most probably isn't going to happen.

Above all, try to find peace. You owe him nothing.

ToadsforJustice · 07/02/2016 19:25

How do you know he really has cancer? Could this be another way of forcing you to contact him?

Wolpertinger · 07/02/2016 19:33

Do you know what I think you should do - have some counselling.

I work in end of life care. As a general rule, people don't change at the end of their lives. Horrible manipulative people remain horrible manipulative people.

The best situations I've seen like yours are with relatives who either just say I made my peace with him a long time ago, I don't need to come, or are able to visit in a highly boundaried fashion. I met someone who was very clear that she was coming purely so she wouldn't have regrets and had clear lines about what she would and wouldn't get drawn in to.

It doesn't sound like you are able to do either of these things yet because he really has been spectacularly awful.

Sort yourself out first. If you can't do that in time, that's not your fault, it's his - if he'd been any sort of parent to you, you wouldn't be in this situation.

Grief is easiest when you have a loving relationship with your parents. And it's a terrible thing then.You are grieving for the parent you didn't have - you need to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. He wasn't and that is the first job of a parent.

IWasHereBeforeTheHack · 07/02/2016 21:03

Think about what you would get out of going to see him, don't think about what he might say or do. If what you get out of going to see him depends on how he behaves or what he says, then don't go - you are giving him control over you. You have to want to see him for your own reasons. If going will stop you feeling guilty - go. If going will make you feel at peace with your past, then go. If there's a risk that you will feel worse for going to see him - don't go. It's a tough choice.

edwinbear · 07/02/2016 21:08

I went NC with my dad for less 'serious' (for want of a better word), issues, in that he had started an affair with another woman and was being a complete arse to my mum, his wife of 35 years, in the process. He was diagnosed with liver cancer 6 months or so later and we didn't reconcile before he died. I have never regretted it, and in fact it was entirely the right decision when we realised the horrific mess he left my mum in when it was established he had changed his will just before he died leaving everything to his mistress. My dad was a truly unpleasant man and I'm glad he didn't get the satisfaction of thinking his behaviour had been forgiven and forgotten, I hope he had some regrets on his deathbed when he realised his children weren't rushing to see him before he went.

Original poster

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 07/02/2016 21:24

Thanks for all the replies... It has crossed my mind that it's not true but my brother seemed convinced to my mum and so I have to take it as fact I think.

Lots of things to think about... It's true that every communication I've had with him for most of my life have been negative. I should just ignore it, or do as my husband and others are doing and even take it as good news, but I'm finding it hard. I'm glad I started this thread...

Ipost - thanks so much for your message, I really appreciate it. I'll PM you X

OP posts:

grumpysquash2 · 07/02/2016 22:18

I think that if your inclination is to be NC, that shouldn't change because of a diagnosis, which you have heard about through someone else.
I can understand that you might be thinking it would be good to make peace before he dies.
But what if you engage with him, then he is successfully treated and lives another 30 years. What then? Would you be pleased or would you regret it?

notapizzaeater · 07/02/2016 22:23

I went nc with my dad when I was 18, he died a few years ago and I grieved for the relationship that id not had but not for him.

Jessbow · 07/02/2016 23:10

Going against the flow here, if you can't settle with not going, then maybe you should.

If you think you are going to struggle 'after' with not going, then do it. Don't expect him to have changed.

Go, say you heard he was unwell, and as you leave just make certain you say 'goodbye'. You need only stay 10 mins, but you might feel that's ample. Saying 'goodbye' as you leave knowing that the absolute end might settle you .

fassbendersmistress · 07/02/2016 23:22

I don't think you need to go and see him. You do need to start grieving for the parent your never had, regardless of whether he survives this illness or not.

My father died suddenly 2 yrs after I'd gone n/c. I've struggled at times over the years coming to terms with what he did/didn't do in his role as a parent to me. However, I have never struggled with the fact that we were n/c and that I didn't get a chance to 'make peace'. 12 yrs down the line I can honestly say I wouldn't change that.

Make the decision that is right for you and your DC.

kawliga · 08/02/2016 03:06

He was always going to die, everyone does. He might have been hit by a bus the day after he was last horrible to you. Just because he has a better handle on his sell by date doesn't make him any less of a rotter

I totally agree with this. Anybody can die at any time. YOU might get hit by a bus tomorrow (sorry to say) so maybe HE should be making tracks to come and see you and reconcile with you.

Whenever people are estranged there is always the chance any of them could die at any time. None of us know the day or the hour. Older people don't always die before younger ones. So if guilty feelings surrounding death is an issue, then nobody should ever go NC.

I am NC with my parents. I wouldn't change that in case they die tomorrow. Because for all they know, I could be the one dead tomorrow, and I don't see them making tracks to reconcile with me.

CheshireChat · 08/02/2016 03:22

I wouldn't bother OP, but you may well feel different. Also, if the haunting aspect bothers you, please keep in mind you can ask for advice or do whatever rites to stop this. I'm not saying it will actually happen as I'm an atheist so it kinda goes against my beliefs, but if it does- there are things you can do.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2016 07:41

OP there is a good reason why your non contact, from what you said, he is an abusive, nasty and toxic individual, who still has some kind of hold in you, or you woukd not be posting. I woukdent bother.

liz70 · 08/02/2016 12:49

OP I agree with others here that seeing this man would not be a good idea. Cancer doesn't turn people into saints; he is a sad, bitter, twisted old man who is going to end his life as just that, with nobody to blame but himself. He hates himself, and has done, and is still doing, his best to screw all that hate up and throw it at you, hence the horrible messages. Ignore them, delete them from your phone, mind etc. and leave him and all his hatefulness behind you, and focus on your family and friends who love and care for you.

You could maybe do the letter idea - write one to him telling him all the things you'd want to say to him, no holds barred, then when you've finished destroy it. Some people have found this helpful. But I wouldn't advise visiting him, as from what you say he isn't going to change and become all remorseful and loving in his last days.

Just pity him for being such a miserable human being, let him go, and concentrate on the people who love and need you. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with him but you have so much more now than he has ever had. Stay strong.

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