To Tell DS's friend's Dad about this?

[CaptainCrunch]

It's more of a WWYD.

DS (14) has been friends with this boy since they were 6 years old. They moved about 20 miles away from us 6 years ago as his Mum had a terminal illness and they needed a more suitable house, she died in 2011. This left his Dad with 3 boys under the age of 9. He's in the army so away a lot, they rely a lot on babysitters. Dad is now in a new relationship.

DS and friend have stayed in touch, weekend and holiday sleepovers, facetiming each other during termtime. They have a shared hobby and see each other on Saturdays for this.

I have always been very fond of the friend, he's a nice lad but a bit easily led and highly suggestible.

On New Years Eve he messaged DS to say that he'd persuaded the babysitter to let him have friends round. It got totally out of hand, about 30 people from his year at school turned up and basically trashed the house. The police were called. His Dad was incredibly upset and disappointed in him. His punishment was to be denied the hobby for a few weeks and have all his devices taken off him for a couple of weeks.

My DS was talking to him this week at the shared hobby and friend seems to think the whole thing was a bit of a laugh (might just be bravado). DS says he doesn't really like the way friend is acting, thinks the friendship might have run its course and is thinking of letting it peter out.

Here's my WWYD...friend mentioned that at the disastrous "party" one of the people there (aged 14) had brought and taken Ketamine. DS only told me this because he had no idea what Ketamine was and wanted me to explain it to him. He was shocked when I told him, especially as friend was laughing about it as if it was all a huge joke.

I feel so sorry that he's going down the wrong path, he's a really nice lad but is clearly mixing with a bad crowd. I don't know whether to mention it to his Dad or not as it could be a load of nonsense just to make DS feel like a "baby".

Please be gentle...I'm a bit shocked by all this and really don't know whether to keep my beak out or say something.

Sorry for long post.

I also wonder if wild parties might be, as well as a may to cope with grief, a way to not be identified as 'oh that boy whose mum died', rather to be 'hey, that boy who throws wild parties!' The kids may need to work through all this, moving house, new friends, loss of mum, with a counsellor, a whole package of things together that may rob them of a sense of who they are.

IMHO the boy did something silly, and potentially dangerous, but he does not need tons of rules and a very rigid response, which it sounds like he got!

I know this isn't the point of the thread but this situation is what military boarding schools are for. My DH went to one when his father was posted to Kenya. Forces families posted overseas for long periods get preferential rates at them. By all accounts it was a great place and was the making of him and MIL knew he was in a homely environment where they really cared.

In response to the thread - I think you need to tell him. This boy needs something that he isn't getting currently.

Yes, I agree you need to tell him. Along with your thoughts it may just be bravado, because that in itself is a possible red flag as to his mental state.

Sounds like a pretty rubbish situation - looked after by agency nannies while the father is abroad. Why on earth didn't they go to boarding school?? At least there would be decent oversight there.

He may have told your son half hoping he'd tell you. He's known your family a long time so will know how close you are. He may feel out of his depth (whether the story is true or not) but not know what to do or how to talk about it. It could be a cry for help; I can't cope sort of thing.

that's so sad, poor family. My friend ended up in very similar situation with her dad working away and her being left responsible for her younger sisters (she was just 16 when dad went back to working away). It all went completely pear shaped as she didn't cope/had wild parties in the house.

I'm guessing dad didn't want to seem to be dispatching then off to boarding school when their mum died.

I knew a girl who died taking ketamine. I would definitely tell the boy's father.