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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I over reacting? Should I just shut up?

24 replies

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 01:22

So partner of 2 years has been in dispute with ex wife over access to his children. I've tried to be as supportive as possible, I've listened and tried to help him in anyway I can, a lot of the time bearing the brunt of his pain and frustration, in what is an incredibly stressful situation for him. Earlier this week they reached a breaking point & after being refused access I helped him put together an email to her requesting mediation. I found out tonight that she replied 3 days ago and has agreed to mediation. I am hurt that my partner didn't share with me what is huge news, as for the last 6 months she has refusing mediation. I am really hurt but at the same time I do understand he is very stressed and telling me wasn't top of his priority list. I do get he forgot to tell me that day he received the email but to forget for three days in a row. I'm struggling to understand but he thinks I'm over reacting. I am hurt but feel I just have to shut up. Not sure if I'm overreacting ? Thanks

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 07/02/2016 01:27

You don't look to be overreacting to me, it's a pretty important step you've both been stressing about for 6 months you'd have thought it'd come into his mind at some point over three days.

Forgot, my arse.

Even if he only 'remembered' when you weren't together he could have called/texted/emailed to tell you.

Did either of you bring up the subject over those three days?

AgentZigzag · 07/02/2016 01:28

If you don't think it was because he'd forgotten though, what reason could he have for not telling you?

FlatOnTheHill · 07/02/2016 01:31

Not over reacting at all. You have shared all the ups and downs and helped him. For him to forget is a bit odd. Surely it would be on his mind that things are moving forward positively and he would share with you after finding this development out. Weird on his part.

Destinysdaughter · 07/02/2016 01:35

What are you making this mean about you/ your relationship? That he didn't care enough about you to tell you? That because you helped him write the email he 'should' have told you? Is this indicative of other problems in your relationship?

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 01:40

I asked him Wednesday morning and he said he'd heard nothing. It is not unusual for her to take weeks to reply to an email. Every time I bring it up (asking if he's heard) my partner understandably gets upset.

He first of all said he'd told me and recited a conversation, he could tell the conversation wasn't with me by the look on my face. He then said he must have told his mum, which makes me feel even worse. She's not the one living through this with him in a day to day basis.

I honestly can't understand how he forgot. I can't think of a reason why he wouldn't tell me. I am struggling and am just really hurt but don't want to add to his stresses but I'm sure if he'd had an email refusing mediation he would have called me immediately to rant. I guess I feel a little used and unimportant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 01:44

I don't think he should have told me because I helped with the email, I feel he should have told me because this was something big, and important and I think in an open and trusting relationship something as big as this should have been shared.

Possibly you're right destinysdaughter, this is indicative of bigger problems in the relationship. I'm finding it hard to work out what it means.

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Destinysdaughter · 07/02/2016 01:54

Well that makes sense. I asked you those questions as I can't speculate on why he didn't tell you but it's obviously triggered a strong reaction in you which is worth exploring.

You've used the words 'used' and 'unimportant', is this often how you feel around him?

EllieJayJay · 07/02/2016 01:56

Maybe he is just exhausted with it all.

Maybe he didn't want to bring it up again and have an entire discussion about it with you that evening because you were having a nice evening?

He should have told you 100% but sometimes it's difficult to bring up difficult things especially when it involves an ex partner.

I'd talk to him openly, men don't always think the way we do it's as simple as that - I'd have text straight away but mine when going through similar things wants to wait to talk face to face when he feels I'm not going to melt and or when he wont melt

Hope it all goes well x

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/02/2016 02:04

It sounds to me like he talks about this a lot with other people and he has probably told his mum/friends/colleagues about all the stuff he's been talking over with you too.

You feel like you ve been the one supporting him, whereas to him, he's just venting to anyone and everyone, so when he had already mentioned the ex's agreement to mediation while talking to his mum, (and probably other people he saw that day too) he just lost track of who he has spoken to.

I agree it displays a lack of respect for the input and worry that you've had throughout the situation - it puts you on a level with his mum/friends etc rather than in the special position of confidante you thought you held.

I'm pretty forgetful and often start to tell someone something only for them to nod and say that they remember me telling them yesterday etc so I know it's easily done, but for something so big and important and when the person is your partner, it's a bit shit.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 08:09

Within the relationship relating to other things I certainly don't feel used or unimportant, the exact opposite generally, I feel appreciated and important.

My previous long term relationship was emotionally abuse and I guess anything that makes me feel like he isn't respecting me sends me into orbit. I think this is generally how I feel here, he was disrespectful of me and has made me feel so unimportant I wasn't worth confiding in for something so huge. The fact is he probably just forgot, but I'm scared this is indicative of some underlying issue he has with me and how he'll treat me going forward, which I can't accept. Maybe my expectations are too high, we all make mistakes, but this really felt big and it scares me that something so huge he simply forgot to tell me about !

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/02/2016 08:16

I'd be a bit pissed off and would have to remind myself that this wasn't all about me. Unless there are other issues I think you have to let this one go.

bimandbam · 07/02/2016 08:21

Me and dp have a legal problem we are dealing with. A company owes us money.

I am dealing with the solicitor on all this. It's been going on for over a year.

I no longer report every email/phonecall to dp because 1. It's now boring the tits off me and 2. I know we will have the same conversation we always have about how fucking unreasonable the other party is and how anyone else would have paid up by now.

I just can't stand the negativity sometimes. Or going over and over and over the same thing.

Maybe your dp feels the same way?

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 08:30

Bimandbam I think you're right and we are definitely getting to the point where neither of us had the energy or inclination to be constantly talking about this. But I think it's the fact it was such a major positive breakthrough and what he'd constantly being trying to achieve and finally after all the upset and stress and tears she'd agreed, and he just forget to tell me. I guess I don't hold the place in his mind and thoughts that he does in mine, as he would have been the first person I'd want to have shared the news with.

I guess I do have to let it go, there's no other choice, I'm hurt and sad though.

OP posts:

deregistered · 07/02/2016 08:37

I do understand your feelings but you must let this go as this is about the children not you.

I have a friend in an extremely complicated and stressful situation with her husband's ex and kids. She, in my opinion, is way too involved, too explosive and though her heart is (I think) in the right place...I think she finds it hard to stay focused on what really matters rather than see it as a fight or competition with his ex.

I know you are venting on here but you have already repeated yourself several times in just a few posts. Be honest, is that your style? Is your dp worried about your reaction, or any further friction? Is he sick of talking about it? Did he just want a few days of not thinking about it? Is he suddenly a bit scared of doing the mediation, being in the same room as her etc?

The other possibility is there is something he's not telling you, that he doesn't want you to know about the process/situation which is why he's gone quiet. Even so, right now, let this go and see how it pans out without you asking him over and over why he didn't tell you or you will just be stuck right here.

DoreenLethal · 07/02/2016 08:44

You do not have to let it go.

If you are not important enough to share the good news with, then where do you stand in the relationship, really?

You let this go and it sets you up for being forgotten about whenever he wants.

chillycurtains · 07/02/2016 08:46

I imagine he could be just be overwhelmed and exhausted by it all. Possibly a bit nervous too.
I would certainly stop talking about it and just be grateful she has agreed to it. What good will it do to keep on being upset or annoyed about it?

MudCity · 07/02/2016 08:53

Agree with chilly curtains....

Sometimes it takes time to process information and he is probably exhausted. These things dominate your life and it has probably dominated your relationship too. This is a real opportunity to move forwards.

Let it go.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 08:56

Ok thank you everyone for all your thoughts and advise. I really appreciate it x

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DoreenLethal · 07/02/2016 09:07

Sometimes it takes time to process information and he is probably exhausted.

Yes, much easier to gaslight your partner pretending that he already had this conversation than simply say 'Oh my, she said yes'.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 09:35

Is that what you think that was Doreenlethal? Wow ! That is scary !

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CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 09:40

I do wonder whether he didnt want to tell you she agreed to what he wanted, and reasonably quickly, because he likes you to think that she the one who is Unreasonable. Which makes me wonder why theres issues with contact in the first place...

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 07/02/2016 10:00

I think you've hit the nail on the head callieghdoodle, he did throw at me last night that she kind of took the wind out of his sails when she agreed so quickly and now he's convinced she won't agree to a date etc. that she's not committed to it etc.

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DoreenLethal · 07/02/2016 10:00

Which makes me wonder why theres issues with contact in the first place...

Exactly.

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 11:19

How is he with you? If you had to look at him with objective eyes?

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