Have you successfully confronted someone?

[Fishface77]

I have found out through a friend that someone I considered a close friend has been spreading rumours about me.
It has been confirmed as I was shown several text messages sent by the close friend.
Has anyone confronted anyone and got the "vindication" they wanted.
I will be cutting contact which will mean losing mutual friends but I want to address this issue first.

What would be your definition of a successful confrontation?

I have been in a similar situation and asked the person about it. They lied that they never said it, said it was a misunderstanding, said the person who told me made it up etc.

Still ended the friendship but I'm glad I told her I knew.

Probably an apology, an acknowledgement. Ideally a public acknowledgement that she's lied, everyone sees her for what she is and I can look down from my superior moral high ground position

I did
I worked with a group of girls who apparently were saying some very unpleasant stuff about me behind my back-all while my sister was being treated for cancer
One of the girls told me and I called all the culprits together and challenged them-should have seen their faces!
Some tried to deny it, others tried to justify what they had been saying-mainly about my absences due to my sisters illness and the fact she had a 3 week old son!!!
I hate confrontation so it was one of the hardest things I have ever done but when I walked out afterwards I know who felt better!!

Well, I did the confrontation. Told her I knew that she had lied, had tried to manage things behind my back. I have no idea why so many people feel that a dignified silence is best. Why one persons feeling are so much more important than anothers. I don't go in for a row, just a statement of fact...

In my case she sort of squared up a little, so, before she could speak, I added a pre-prepared sentence "Don't bother. You will only lie again to try and cover your embarrassment" and walked off.

People who were with her reported that she had sky rocketed, really, really lost her temper. But she never acknowledged she was in the wrong and people who liked her continued to do so.

If you do do it, practice a little, not too much, maybe just the most important sentence. And then leave them to it. You won't get what you want, so accept that you have said what you wanted to say and that both they and you know precisely what they did.

Good luck, have fun with it, even if you don't ever speak to her directly.

You'll only successfully confront her if you keep complete control.

Don't shout, don't snipe, don't have a go in any way. Use a level voice and remember that silence is your friend.

Ask her, in public, in a controlled way. Then just look at her in silence, with a blank face, and let her squirm inside whilst she tries to think of the best answer to give.

Very much doubt you'll get that.

Look at the possibilities..

1. They admit it in front of everyone, apologise. You snub them walk off.

Result, you've get the apology, they've taken back what they said, everyone knows they made it up... But probably what is remembered is that you refused their apology.

1. They say it was a misunderstanding.

Result, they doubly tell everyone how horrid you are and wouldn't listen when they tried to clear it up.

1. They say it's all true and won't apologise.

Result, they tell everyone how horrid you are and that you tried to stop them talking about it when you had been so upset you'd had to talk it through with someone.

1. They burst into tears.

Results, everyone rushes to comfort them and tell everyone how you upset them to the point of tears.

Rarely worth it.

What witchend posted.

It rarely ends the way that you want it to and those causing the problems often use it just to cause you more grief.

I feel betrayed.
The fact that I've got so much stuff going on in my life and they feel the need to lie about things but then pretend to be a good mate.
"I'm here for you Hun"
"You ok Hun"

Sadly I agree with witchend too....

Your life sounds very tough, do you really need any more problems at the moment.....

I would just tell them you've seen the texts and you don't feel the same way about the friendship anymore. Wish her all the best and set the record straight with the people you want to. Don't dwell on it.

I think how you handle these things depends on how much potential grief it can cause to your life if you fall out with them.

For example there's been people at work that I would dearly love to have confronted about their behaviour, but it just isn't worth it as I have to work with them and the potential fall out or ongoing awkwardness would be much worse.

I always think the best way is to keep the moral high ground - but that doesn't mean letting someone get away with something. In your situation I would probably calmly say that you had seen the messages and you know they've been saying these things behind your back, and then just withdraw from the friendship.

I think I'll do what razzmatazz says.
I can't leave it and apology would mean nothing so I will just say can you stop sending text messages full of lies to people. And avoid unless it's a group of mutual friends.
I wonder if anyone has actually confronted and had a satisfactory outcome.

I confronted someone who was gossiping about my dh and speculating he was misbehaving. Didn't do it in front of anyone else. I asked her to explain to me why she was gossiping when she should have been speaking to me if she thought blah blah blah. Of course she made up some crap.

Did put an end to the gossiping though.

In films/TV when someone confronts someone they always seem to make an impact on the confronted party, get their point across, make them feel ashamed.

I have realised that rarely or never happens in real life confrontations.

Sorry for what you are going through OP.