Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

twinges of guilt, anyone else?

28 replies

ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 19:22

Background: My pfb in 14 weeks old ive had this since she was born but I've noticed it alot more since she passed 3 month mark.

Sometimes I feel guilty over the slightest things, it happens at least once a day. I'll be playing with her then ill just think she must be really bored spending every day with me, and I feel guilty.
When she was born she was only 5lbs and I felt like it was some how my fault. I constantly looked after her and breast fed her to get her weight on, which she did beautifully but I always had a feeling I was 'making something up to her'.

Now she is entering quite a tough stage, she cries a lot more and and I feel like she doesn't like me very much. I'm welling up just writing this Sad

I probably sound ridiculous, but I feel little twinges of guilt, like I'm doing something wrong or I'm not being the best mum to her. I'm quite hard on myself in general but these guilty feelings are hard to deal with.

Anyone else has this- just the feeling that they are a shit mum for no real reason?

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 05/02/2016 19:26

I remember a wise person once saying to me that a shit mother wouldn't worry about being a shit mother.

Did you have these kinds of feelings before she was born, or is it just since she's arrived?

Forgetmenotblue · 05/02/2016 19:26

I totally had this and I think it's very normal. It's because you love her so much and what everything to be perfect for her all the time.

I ended up with a PND and OCD do as I let myself get a bit out of control with this kind of thinking (my PFB was very poorly and I thought she wanted to die to be away from me).

Looking back on it I was so tired and hormonal and stressed I wasn't thinking straight at all.

Have you got someone in RL you can talk to? Lots of mums would understand I think .

Hope you are ok.

Binkybix · 05/02/2016 19:27

All the time!! I think it's very normal. I have a toddler and worry that he doesn't do many activities, and a three and a half month old. I worry that she gets no attention whatsoever!

Sorry you're having a rough time. It really doesn't mean your baby doesn't like you. Promise.

Forgetmenotblue · 05/02/2016 19:27

And voldys dead right in what she says. You're a good mum.

Original poster
ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 19:30

I think that's it-

I just love her so much and I want every thing to be perfect for her. Now she's in a difficult stage, she's cross that she can't do more. I have things to do in the house and I feel so guilty laying her on her mat while I cook or clean sometimes.

I didn't really have these feelings before she was born, it's just since I brought her home from hospital.

I have lots of support in rl, but don't really talk about it as I felt really unreasonable and quite silly. I don't feel very confident sometimes..

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 05/02/2016 19:33

you know that jab they give you when you give birth - that's not to deliver the placenta at all - that's a lifetimes worth of guilt - just for us

You are doing fine - and it's normal xxxx

Original poster
ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 19:33

Just when I think I've cracked it and I know her, she changes and I have to start all over again. Its a total mindfuck

OP posts:
Original poster
ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 19:35

ghostly that's true, a healthy dose of mothers guilt!

In think it might get easier when she's a bit older, we can communicate more and she might understand how much I love her.

OP posts:
Forgetmenotblue · 05/02/2016 19:42

She will understand how much she is loved and how unconditional your love is, without a doubt. That's why she'll feel free to say how much she hates you and you are ruining her life when she's a hormonal teenager. Because she can off load all her over whelming feelings and thoughts on to you, knowing you'll still love her.

It's blimmin hard work sometimes. But don't be ruled by guilt or you'll be easily pressured into things you want to say no to (more sweets, the latest phone etc).

You are doing a great job.

Peachesandcream15 · 05/02/2016 19:44

I feel like this too!

Julietee · 05/02/2016 19:51

Whenever I accidentally hurt my toddler I feel like the biggest shit alive (you know, when you step on a foot or something). He's a terrible eater and I always feel like I should be doing more - baking, or offering a thousand different options. I am convinced dh does not feel this level of guilt.

Narp · 05/02/2016 19:59

Oh yes I remember this with my first. I had an emcs, failed to breastfeed, had no confidence in my ability to feed him and so used lots of (organic!) jars of odd, and worried all the time that I wasn't stimulating him enough. I just did not feel good enough.

it was nonsense. I look at videos of us now and I am struck by how responsive and relaxed I looked, and how happy he was.

When I had my second I realised how much that spotlight of attention is a blessing and a curse on the first one - of course it's OK to leave them lying on a mat so you can do stuff round the house!

Narp · 05/02/2016 19:59

food - not odd

Jw35 · 05/02/2016 20:07

I don't have this guilt but I did a bit with my first. A baby doesn't need much, the more attention they get the better, she will never be bored of you, you're her whole world! You can't be perfect unfortunately so parenting is a massive guilt trip! You must be a good mum as you obviously love her so much. Take a break from all those hormones! Congratulations on your little sweetie Smile

deregistered · 05/02/2016 20:15

Yes it's normal Thanks

darksideofthemooncup · 05/02/2016 20:21

Perfectly normal and it does prove that you are a great mum. The early days and weeks are SO hard but it does get easier especially when they begin to engage with you. You are her whole world right now and you are all she needs.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 05/02/2016 20:41

yEP perfectly normal!

Its normal to worry and once you have gone thru some hurdles you will start to relax - a little Grin.

this difficult phase will pass, then a new one, then a better one, then a worse one Shock oh then good again....

I have never yet met a mum who didnt feel they weren't doing something right or wrong.

and we are all strict about some things and totally lax on other things people are uber hot on Grin.

one thing we know is that - and in some cases very sadly, children, do want their mums, even the worse most neglectful hateful mums....dc want their own mum....so....your efforts are stratospheric in comparison and your baby is wired to love you, to know your voice, to smell you etc.

dont blame yourself for worrying, accept the worry and learn to live with it....it will lesson and evolve and change...baby just wants you and your face.

Original poster
ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 21:46

Yha ks everyone for the kind messages on so glad I'm not the only one.

Ive rocked her to sleep tonight and I'm taking her to bed with me. I'm a bit upset tonight in particular because she bumped her head on the door while I was holding her and she was so upset! I felt like such a horrible, horrible person! :(

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/02/2016 22:42

Welcome to motherhood. You'll feel guilt or worry every day for the rest of your life :D

For what it's worth (and not to worry you) but I think it's got harder as my DS has got older and has more understanding (I have a threenager now!) but it's not harder in a bad way - just that every stage is different to the last and brings with it new challenges.

My advice - follow her cues and run with it.

If she wants cuddling to sleep, do it - she won't need it forever and you'll miss it when it's gone.

If anyone tells you you're gonna make a rod for your own back, tell them it's your back to do with as you wish - I've not met many teenagers still breastfeeding for comfort or needing rocking to sleep.....

It's early days and you're still getting to know each other as well as settle into this crazy new role as mum to a tiny little person so don't be hard on yourself.

Your hormones are all over the place too, along with the tiredness that comes with the job.

As for the bumped head - I don't know a single parent who hasn't had little accidents here and there. My sister cried her eyes out after cutting her DDs nails and catching her finger in the process!

Enjoy those baby snuggles - they're gone in the blink of an eye! I swear I went to bed one having tucked an 18m old into bed and woke up the following morning to find he'd turned 3 overnight!!x

Original poster
ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 23:11

Thanks for the lovely post milk,

You're right for the first time since she was born I found myself wishing time away today, just to get through a tough day.
Now I'm watching her sleep and cant believe I ever wanted to fast forward this timeSmile

OP posts:
Squishyeyeballs · 06/02/2016 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trian · 06/02/2016 00:38

omg this is me, a lot of the time
i'm single but on top of that I have loads of other stuff to do that the average single parent doesn't have.
My amazing miracle daughter (it still hasn't sunk in that she exists :-)) is 2 months old and we've been thru a kind of hell together. Not to mention the hell of getting her in the first place.
I feel guilty for not having the time to interact with her more.
When she's asleep on me and I don't have the mental strength to risk waking her by putting her in her cot, I feel guilty cos I should be putting her in her cot so I can get on with all this crap.
I feel guilty for so many things.

I'm looking forward to a day where my life is more simple so that me and my daughter can enjoy each other more.

ElizabethLemon · 06/02/2016 05:47

"Just when I think I've cracked it and I know her, she changes and I have to start all over again. Its a total mindfuck" welcome to the next 18 odd years of your life!

As a parent I feel guilty everyday! You feel like this because you love her so much 😊.

MoonDuke · 06/02/2016 06:15

I felt this with DS1 - it is normal, we so want to get everything right but what is 'right' seems to change all the time!

I was more concerned when DS2 was 6/7 months and I found that I just didn't care if one was whining/ unhappy/complaining. Iooking back I was on my knees with exhaustion (neither DS slept through & I was working FT) and I felt totally numb.

Having DC is a roller coaster of emotions

AliceScarlett · 06/02/2016 06:30

i just think she must be really bored spending every day with me

This really stood out to me and that you said that you are hard on yourself quite a bit. Do you think that underneath the guilt is a low sense of self esteem? Like, do you feel bad about who you are and this comes out as guilt in what you're doing?

Genuinely curious Smile