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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Why can't I just get over it? I know IABU

51 replies

CarbonEmittingPenguin · 04/02/2016 18:49

I've posted about this before under another name and was told to either accept it or let go of it entirely. Both very valid POVs.

My closest friend, who I actually describe as my best friend and I met over 15 years ago. When we initially met we were just acquaintances that moved in similar circles and didn't think much of each other. But as time went on we became very close.

We then lived together for about 2 years but after that we both left the country and lived elsewhere. We did, however, stay in touch and would speak most, if not, every day.

Her birthday was last week and I was looking for a photo of us because I wanted to send it to one of those customise-your-own-photo companies so that they'd put 'Happy Birthday' over it.

I really struggled to find one of the two of us together. Yes there were many photos of us within the same vicinity or with mutual friends but truthfully there was only 3 decent photos of us just together.

She's since fallen out with or no longer speaks to all the people she'd once considered close - whom I'd actually met on various nights out or just understood to be her close friends.

When I scoured FB for a picture of us (she keeps FB albums of everything going years back) to use for the birthday card I couldn't find a decent one of us so just went with a random one but I recall thinking were it any of the 3 'close' friends she no longer speaks to or is close to; there'd be many many many pictures to use of them.

I know I need to get a grip. She is my closest friend and the past is the past. But I'd still like a bit of a rant. I'll raise it with her next week at some point but I don't want to piss on her parade at the moment.

OP posts:
Brightnorthernlights · 04/02/2016 19:25

I don't understand what it is you want to raise with her? Is it that she has not put pics of you on her FB page, or is it that there are no pics of the two of you, from years ago? If it's the latter, what on earth can she do about it?

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 04/02/2016 19:27

Peace and love

VinoTintoPorFavor · 04/02/2016 19:29

Confused Blimey. How do you cope with actual, real problems? Because this ain't one...

InsertUsernameHere · 04/02/2016 19:31

Is it not just down to the fact you are together and one of you is taking the photo?? I have very few photos of me and DH - but loads of the kids or one of us with the kids- not because of some big issue its just one of us has to remember to take blooming picture and I can't be bothered with selfies It's more likely in a group setting when someone else is organising a group shot. Not having photos is not an issue - more a sign you don't need them.

Original poster
CarbonEmittingPenguin · 04/02/2016 19:31

ItchyArmpits No. You are very wrong. I don't know why this board always serves as a cover for making wrong assumptions or as a hotbed of incorrect assumptions. Posters fly under the cover of it being 'AIBU'. I'm not worried that our whole friendship will fall apart. I just wanted an outside perspective of our relationship.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 04/02/2016 19:33

Good.Lord. honestly, I've hardly got any pics of me and my friends Confused please don't raise this with her, she'll think you're absolute batshit crazy.

hazeyjane · 04/02/2016 19:35

Hey now??

I have one photo of my c!osest friend, and a llama....and she is hugging the llama and not me

Op, you need to let it (whatever it is) go.

Notonthestairs · 04/02/2016 19:36

Well you've spotted something that bothers you - do something about it. Take some photos and make some new memories.
(And find something else to fret about Smile).

carabos · 04/02/2016 19:36

You'll "raise it with her next week" Confused? What, that you're not happy that over the years of your friendship you haven't had many pics taken of the two of you together, with the result that there are only a couple on her FB page? And that means you don't have sufficient choice to make a birthday card? This woman is your best friend and you're going to "raise it with her"? Shock Hmm.

What outcome are you seeking here? Would you like a time machine so that you can go back to every nice, photogenic moment in your joint life and get the images that you wish you had, so she can then put them onto her FB page? Just so that nobody could be in doubt that you're her favourite?

Barking. Oh and YABU.

wannabestressfree · 04/02/2016 19:40

If you 'raised it with me' I would be giving you a wide berth....for the foreseeable

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/02/2016 19:42

Well I'm not an expert, but this screams "anxiety" to me and so I would think it IS having an effect on your day to day life.

It's how your relationship is with her NOW that matters? Are you in regular contact? Does she seem to enjoy being/talking with you? Does it all seem natural and easy? If so, then trust me- there is no problem.

To put it in perspective, I have loads of photos of DS 1 when he was born. Hardly any of DS2. DH forgot to pack a bloody camera when I went to the labour ward and I was onky in a few hours. When we got home I had trouble feeding him and was also trying to give DS1 loads of attention so he didn't feel jealous. So we have no Photos at all of the first few days. DH's bro took some when he visited a week later and that's the only ones we have of his early days. (This was before smart phones or even basic camera phones).

I would be devastated if he obsessed as a man about the reasons behind the lack of baby photos and assumed that it meant we didn't love him as much as DS1, or some other daft nonsense. And so would your friend if she thought that you were reading wrong messages from a few photos and thought you meant nothing to her. but I'm betting that what she is most likely to think is that it's a bit wierd to obsess about something like that and be worried for your mental health.

SingingSamosa · 04/02/2016 19:43

I have very very few photos of my BF and me together, possibly only one and that was on her wedding day! I'd rather spend the time chatting than taking photos of ourselves!
Conversely, I have another friend who is constantly making everyone get in for a group shot, or 'selfies' together, including the kids, whenever we meet. I really hate it! She knows this though so doesn't do it as much with me any more!!

ItchyArmpits · 04/02/2016 19:48

OP: ...so just wanted someone to tell me that before I ruin what has been my best friendship.

Me: You are now concerned that you will 'ruin' your best friendship by requesting that you take a couple of photos with the two of you in?

OP: No. You are very wrong. I'm not worried that our whole friendship will fall apart.

Thank you for clarifying.

kali110 · 04/02/2016 19:50

I suffer with severe anxiety so I can make a non issue into an issue.
This is what you are doing op.
Your friendship is not based on pictures.
My best friend and I have been friends over 20 years and do not have many pics, I hate having pictures taken!
I don't think this means our friendship won't survive.

3luckystars · 04/02/2016 19:54

I have good friends I don't have photos with. I don't even think I have a phot with my sister in about 10 years. Just take some together the next time on a night out.

Veritat · 04/02/2016 19:59

I don't understand why you feel this impacts on your relationship. In the past, it so happens that neither of you has done anything about getting photographs of the two of you together. So you don't have them on your FB pages, neither has she. That is probably because you were too busy doing things and it simply didn't occur to you. I regularly go on holiday with a friend, I can only think of one photo of the two of us together because we were concentrating more on photographing the scenery etc. I care much more about her as a person than I care about whether I'm in photographs with her.

The fact that there are no photographs of the two of you together probably means that you were too busy enjoying yourselves and enjoying each others' company to bother about unimportant things like that. Don't have a rant at anyone about it, don't raise it with her, there's nothing to raise.

Wombatinabathhat · 04/02/2016 20:06

I don't see the problem Confused and if you have already started other threads and were advised to accept it or let it go, what are hoping to get out yet another thread?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/02/2016 20:16

I'm another one who doesn't get it. It's disappointing that you wanted a photo and didn't have much choice. Take more from now on. Don't raise it with her.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/02/2016 20:16

OP I really don't want to sound unkind but I really am puzzled. What do you think this lack of just-the-two-if-you pictures signifies about your friendship?

BestZebbie · 04/02/2016 20:16

Surely if thre aren't photos of you two together it is because most of those times you have been doing things as a pair, like bffs generally would, whereas at the times she has been with her other friends there has been at least a third person there to take the photo?
The other option is that the with friend shots are all selfies, in which case, if she is in lots of selfies with some people but not others it kind of implies it is the other people who are the keen photographers there.

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 04/02/2016 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 04/02/2016 20:22

You say you only want a rant here and not look like a 'twat' in RL. But planning on raising this to her?

Why?

Sorry but I think Yabvu. This is a mone issue

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 04/02/2016 20:25

If you do 'raise' it with her you stand the very real risk of looking like a complete loon and possibly damaging your friendship.
I'm still not entirely clear what it is you're so upset about - the lack of photos or the fact that she's fallen out with so many people? For me it would be the latter. Women who constantly fall out with their friends ring real warning bells with me and heaven knows I've known a few. Nutjobs one and all.
Anyway. You need to stop fretting and you definitely need to ditch the idea of 'raising' anything with her.

Hihohoho1 · 04/02/2016 20:28

I need wine! WTAF are you on about op?

CaptainCrunch · 04/02/2016 20:32

If this isn't a wind up I can only assume you're immature and narcissistic enough to believe that the friendship isn't "real" enough because it's not documented sufficiently on social media. Grow up.