AIBU to be disappointed in my friends?

[Nicebucket]

Some background on me before I start- only child, single mum. Dad abandoned us, pretty much no other family.

I was ill as a child and didn't go to school regularly for 4 years- as a result never had the chance to make friends.

Given that I don't have family or any childhood friends, my existing friends that I've made in the past few years mean a lot to me. I live alone and I don't have any family in the UK. No boyfriend/partner either.

I am trying to work out if I expect too much from the friends I do have or if their behaviour is actually disappointing.

Please be honest!

So I was very unwell recently. Fever of over 41, taken to AnE by ambulance, in hospital two days and still recovering very slowly. I've had antibiotics for tonsillitis and other infections three times in three months. I've been dealing with some gynaecological issues at the same time as well, So it's safe to say I've been pretty unwell.

1. When I mentioned in the middle of a text chat to two of my friends that I had been sick and still was, they didn't even ask me what has happened. Just continued texting about what they wanted to say and that was it.
2. I had a massive reaction to the medicine I was given originally, while I was already pretty ill with the fever still there. So I had to go back to AnE and then the walk in clinic on the same day. Two of my best friends knew the situation, not one of them volunteered to go with me. I wouldn't have taken them up on it, but there wasn't even a cursory offering.
3. One of my friends who also works in my office hasn't been over to see me even once since I came back to work. In fact, when I jokingly mentioned I hadn't seen him in ages, he said I could come to his desk if I wanted. I agree, I could go over to his, but honestly, if the situation was reversed and he had been sick, I'd definitely go round to check on him and say Hi at his desk when he was finally back to work.
4. My best friend was definitely concerned about me, and did say to tell her if I needed anything. But she's not volunteered to go to the hospital with me even once. And she only texted to ask me how I was for a couple of days. Since then she hasn't called or messaged. Even after she found out about the allergic episode and the second trip to AnE, she hasn't followed up, texted, nothing.
5. And yes, while there were some hollow offers, nobody actually came to visit me when I was sick. I did everything myself- Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong person and I can manage and take care of myself. But sometimes I just think it would be nice to feel loved and cared for a little more.

Feel free to kick me if I'm being too precious here.

Seven do you go to hospital with your friends when they're ill then?

It does seem that way. Do you send group texts or is it done individually? I find people will respond better to a direct text whereas a general request people think someone else will step in. It's called bystander syndrome and is situation in which people hold back as someone else deals with it. So my advice if you need help is to directly ask the person concerned individually.

In my life I have a dh, two children, four elderly relatives and two pets that I need to support and care for when they are unwell and having trouble. There are only a handful of friends that I would add in to that mix as well (as in helping out, visiting, listening late into the night to tales of woe), but I have many other friends lower down the pecking order, if you will. Mainly I want friends to share good times with, sorry if that makes me sound unfeeling - but I think there is a grain of truth in there for everyone.

This has made me think tbh
my friend has been pretty sick recently, in and out of hospital
i do text every few days, "how are you?" "need anything?" "want company just shout" but i don't call her or visit her in hospital - i would think that's the last thing she'd want.
maybe i'm wrong
she does have a dh and kids though...

oh and definitely agree with pp re work friends
i had amazing friends at work - felt like bosom buddies, lots of laughs, leisure time together etc...
but then you or they leave, you catch up now and again but it fizzles out fast. weird that.

i think being with people every day and supporting each other through work stresses etc brings you close to a few people. but when that's not there it generally goes.

pictish If they were true friends I'd offer to see them (give them a chance to say no if they preferred to have only family etc) and I'd offer any help I could.

Sorry you've not been well OP.

Very strange that your friends should act like this.

Are you ill often? Could they be fatigued with it?

See both sides here.

I'm one of those blokes with a female best friend and a few years ago she had flu for the first time in her life, proper flu, and it scared her to death. She lives on her own in a small flat and I was at work and got a phone call from a friend of my friend to say she was at my friend's flat, my friend was proper poorly and had asked if I would go round. Apparently she felt too ill to be driven to her mum's and didn't want her mum fussing round her anyway. I went round within the hour and ended up staying for three days, sleeping in an armchair in her lounge and looking after her. Even as she started to feel better she didn't want her mum looking after her.

Yet I also know that when the shoe was on the other foot, and I was very ill (as in visit to hospital, eight days off work, lost over a stone in weight in that week), all I got was a couple of texts as to whether I needed anything. Didn't even pop round.

A lot of people are phobic about hospitals - I wouldn't expect a friend to take me or visit me, to be honest.

You describe wanting to be cared about but not wanting to be dependent, so you might be delivering mixed messages. I've learned to ask for help, sometimes people can't or won't so you have to be open to that possibility, but others will say yes.

Friends without kids are very different to friends with kids. I think you need to find some of the latter! Check out Netmums meet a mum pages or Gingerbread/Meetup.com to find local single parent groups.

Well, I don't have kids either yet, so not actively looking for mates who do

Nope, I'm not I'll often. Just had a spate of ill health the past 3-6 months, but it's been serious the past 4 weeks

I'm not sure what to make of any of it.

For example, my best friend just sent around ten inane messages on a group chat. In the middle of a work day. You'd think she'd have time to send me an individual text and just ask how the second trip to AnE went

And I completely get that not everyone wants to go to hospitals or even visit a sick person at home.

But surely a text every couple days just to check on someone you otherwise claim is a good friend is reasonable to expect?

Maybe I'm in a minority but I would definitely go visit a sick friend (unless they expressly refused visitors) and would help them in any way possible. So maybe that's why I expect the same from others

StillDrSeth- wow, that doesn't sound like a good friend at all! I'd be quite upset in your place

Sorry, I read you OP to read that you were a single mum to an only child, not that you were talking about your own upbringing

Perhaps they see you as being very strong and independent and not needing their support. Ask for it. They can only say no.

My dm was in hospital last month and I could only visit once due to being busy with my children. My dm understood.

Rousette- no, I appreciate the honesty!

Firstly, I'm definitely not always unwell, and I rarely talk about it even when I am. This time I ended up in hospital so I couldn't avoid telling people, but even so the idea wasn't to moan about it.