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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ok I'm fairly sure I am but I need someone to talk some sense into me!

49 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 02/02/2016 17:41

ExH's gf is pregnant and was due around the end of this month.

It is DS' birthday tomorrow.

She was diagnosed with preclampsia about 2 weeks ago supposedly and will apparently be in hospital until the baby is born.

Because of this exH has said he won't be attending ds' birthday party on the weekend like he told ds he would.

Now, I know it isn't anyone's fault that she has preclampia and that can't be helped but aibu to be pissed off that exH is going to let down ds again because of this. I also know aibu to be upset about something so petty but I'm really worried that she will end up having the baby on ds' birthday and then forever more the new baby's birthday will be more important that ds to exH. Aibu? I probably am, I know

PS: The only reason I say supposedly ^ is that exH has form for making up incredible lies to get out of things he doesn't want to do, he told his work once that I had had a miscarrige because he didn't want to go to work and needed an excuse , so it's not that I disbelieve her I'm just not sure I trust him if you see what I mean. Not that it really matters I suppose in that the end result is the same!

OP posts:

Ruthiesj · 02/02/2016 19:18

He sounds like an arse so I am sorry for you and DCs.

However, 36 weeks pregnant or so, in hospital on bed rest with pre-eclampsia, other children to take care of and a journey of several hours to reach the party? I think it's a very valid reason not to attend, sorry.

Of course, he might be lying, but he might not be.

TheTigerIsOut · 02/02/2016 19:18

Wait a minute... Did you say he is a couple of hours away? That changes things a bit.

I would probably explain my child that dad's partner is in hospital and therefore dad is not able to attend (difficult, I know especially when you know what a liar he, not his partner, is)

Having said that, I was in hospital with pre-eclampsia before the birth of DS and as far as I remember, my then husband was only allowed to visit at regular visiting hours.

I think you know he is rubbish, but the important thing is for your DS not to feel even more hurt by his dad's behaviour. It is kinder to tell DS that dad can't attend because she is very ill in hospital than for DS to notice his dad doesn't care enough to attend.

It is a pity though that you cannot lie to yourself. I totally understand how you feel.

abbsismyhero · 02/02/2016 19:54

he is ok to go to work and ok to look after children i think he should be ok to show his face at the party

if he promised he would be there he can tell his son himself he can't attend

BlueJug · 02/02/2016 20:05

Make it as special for DS as you can. Ask his Dad to send a card early and discuss a present - make it as easy for him as possible to contribute. Arrange to text/skype/call DS on the day - you take the initiative. Make sure that DS knows that "this" is from Dad.

Don't put pressure on your ex or it just sounds judgey and self -righteous. Doesn't matter what the rights and wrongs are - it's about DS.

If afterwards DS is happy and expresses love/gratitude Ex is far more likely to feel positive than if he is made to feel that he is a second-rate dad.

I am not saying who is right/wrong here - just what is best for DS.

Also - if you were in hospital with a potentially serious illness and had two DDs at home wouldn't you want your partner with you rather than several hours away - I know I would.

As for criticising OW for having a baby with him - well YOU did - and he hasn't changed much. Maybe within a new realtionship he will be a better person - it happens.

Hope it goes well and that DS has a nice day

VoldysGoneMouldy · 02/02/2016 20:24

If it's a few hours away, that's a bit different. Things can go from stable to urgent with preclapsia in a very short space of time. No matter how much of an arse you think he is now, when you were together, you would have needed to know he was just down the road in that situation.

The other side of it is if he's now got two sets of children, in two different locations, he needs to work out a way to make all those children important.

Well, if he was a sensible human being, he would. He doesn't sound it however, and I'm sorry for that. I also have an exp who regularly gets DS down frequently. They do clue up to what they are experiencing. Don't make excuses for ex - just make sure your DS knows how much you love him, and will do anything for him.

Natkingcole9 · 02/02/2016 22:09

She was diagnosed with preclampsia about 2 weeks ago supposedly and will apparently be in hospital until the baby is born.

YABU to doubt she has preeclampsia. And to spell it wrong.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 02/02/2016 23:02

Nat, it isn't that I don't believe her just that I know exH has a history of lying about things when he doesn't want to do them, particularly when it relates to seeing his dc's.

The difference is with her having a baby with him Blue is that I had no idea he would turn out like he did, he was a totally different person when I first got with him. Now he is a drug addict who smokes drugs around her (while she is pregnant) and, until recently, refused to get a job. He was also arrested just before we split. She knows all of this although, in fairness to her there is a lot she doesn't know but the stuff she does know should have been enough to send her running for the hills!

I admit that there is every chance he has changed and will be a better father this time around. I doubt it, but it is possible and actually, for all of his dc's sakes I hope that is the case.

The birthday party is a bit of a by the by really, in all honestly I would prefer that he isn't there and I don't have to deal with him but its not about me its about ds and I'm just sad for him. Obviously I will try and make it as good for him as I can but I can't replace his dad.

What baffles me is that he told ds he was coming after she had already been taken to hospital and he knew she would be staying in. Why tell ds he was coming if he knew he wouldn't be? Makes no sense

Fwiw, I never make my feelings about ds' dad known to him. I know that he still loves him even if I don't and I try extremely hard to never let my feelings about his dad affect their relationship.

OP posts:

abbsismyhero · 03/02/2016 10:09

i don't agree with making things easy for him with skype calls etc he caused this situation he can fix it my dds dad was forever promising her the world and it never showed up now she is 15 he is trying to get back in touch and blaming me for everything (along the lines of i didn't know where you lived etc when i lived at the same address for 8 years he used to ive there too and its round the corner from his mom and his nan she saw him walking past our house more than once) anyway i got to the stage of not "making up" for what he did not do gifts are from mommy not mommy and daddy (he never bought them or paid for them so why give credit for them) now she is old enough she can read the csa letters saying he owes x and has not paid (again) so now the pity party has started she cut him off telling him the facts are he hasn't done enough and she knows it

he has yet again dropped her a three line email from a 15 year old he hasn't seen for 12 years and he fucks off its shown her what he is really like and she is fine with this she was raised to expect nothing from him so she is not hurt by it

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 04/02/2016 08:55

Well, as I suspected, he really couldn't give a shit. I decided I wasn't going to contact him and just wait until he got in touch with us. He didn't phone.

I know its a silly insignificant thing but both myself and my DFather (ds' grandad) put up pictures and messages on FB to say happy birthday to DS. Not one 'like' from either exH or his gf, but she did post a happy birthday message to a friend who has his birthday on the same day. So apparently his friend is worthy of a happy birthday message but his own son isn't. FFS I need to get over this don't I

Also, I know it sounds paranoid of me, but she (exH's gf) is the kind of person that updates FB a lot, she even tagged her and her DD in the hospital when her DD broke her arm recently! Yet there is not a single mention anywhere of being ill or having been to hospital, being worried about the baby etc and if I message her to ask how she is, exH answers. Is it just me or is that odd? He never normally replies if I message him, he said he has her phone since she is in hospital but why would she be in hospital for several weeks and not take her phone with her? She is still able to post on FB so she must have seen my messages somehow? Aibu to think this seems weird?

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2016 09:18

I feel bad for you. He's obviously a complete shit and a pathetic excuse for a dad. There's no excuse for not making contact. I would cut him out of your life as much as you can and concentrate on being a great mum to your son. Don't drive yourself mad looking at his GF's fb posts. Something doesn't add up, but if you confront him I doubt you'd get the truth any way!
It sounds as though your DS has a lovely male influence in his life in the form of his grandad

JeanGenie23 · 04/02/2016 09:27

It does sound weird OP but I wouldn't think on it, it will drive you mad!

Muskey · 04/02/2016 09:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable. But I do think that maybe it's time to reconcile yourself to the fact that your ex is going to have to make a lot of choices that you are probably not going to like which will hurt your ds. The only thing to say is that you will have to learn to manage your ds disappointment (not fair I know) and try not let your feelings cloud your ds relationship with his dad.

Pseudo341 · 04/02/2016 09:38

I'm in two minds about the birthday party, we don't know the severity of his GFs condition, but from the other stuff you've said I wouldn't be putting any more effort into getting him to have a relationship with your DC. He's not going to change and they will eventually realize how little he cares and will be very hurt. If you start discretely managing their expectations of him now you may be able to minimise that hurt. Don't slag him off to them or anything, but don't cover for him either. Sorry your ex is such and areshole, who makes up a miscarriage FFS?!!

crumblybiscuits · 04/02/2016 09:52

I think the fact that he is a few hours away changes everything. I gave birth to my last DD in four hours from induction to finish, I would definitely not be happy with DP being several hours away while I was potentially giving birth at any time and I wouldn't expect my ex-P to leave his partners side either if he was in that situation, I would be disappointed for DD but I would try to get her excited that her new brother/sister would be arriving very soon so I do think YAB a little bit U.

Also step away from Facebook for your own sake. I was in hospital very recently with pregnancy complications and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to ex-p or even think about him. He may not want his partner stressing about the situation while she is poorly hence him replying instead of her.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 06/02/2016 15:49

Ok, an interesting development....

Was talking to a mutual friend of mine and exH's and ended up talking about ds' birthday and the situation with exH.

I mentioned that I wasn't overly happy that ex was missing the party but that it couldn't be helped since ex's gf was in hospital.

Dfriend just so happened to be having a conversation with ex's gf at the same time (they are friends too) and she mentioned that she is going in to hospital tomorrow to be induced.

So basically, all that about her being in hospital with pre eclampsia and that's why he couldn't come was bullshit.

Just to clarify, dfriend asked her if everything was ok with the pregnancy and she confirmed that yes, everything was fine and no problems at all.

So yeah, as I suspected, exH was lying about his baby/gf being ill to get out of seeing his son on his birthday.

Dickhead.

OP posts:

GreatFuckability · 06/02/2016 16:19

What a shit way to treat your son. I'm so sorry Op.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 06/02/2016 16:40

Yes it is Great, really it's a shit way to treat his new baby and gf too. I have no idea if she knows he's lied or not.

I'm don't think i should mention it to her either way at the moment, as much as I would hate to find out that my bf had lied about me and our child that way after the fact if it was me, I also don't think being told when you're just about to have a baby is a good idea. He's such a shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 06/02/2016 19:19

Should I mention it at all? Obviously I wouldn't do it right now but should I say anything at all about it? Would you want to know if it was you/your bf/your baby?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/02/2016 19:27

TBH I think for your sanity you need to distance yourself massively. I'd defriend them on facebook etc. and just leave it up to your ex to get in touch.

How old are your DC? I would focus on supporting them through coming to realise and accept that their Dad is a waste of space

JeanGenie23 · 06/02/2016 19:44

I think you need to treat your exh the way he is treating you and your son, ignore and back away. Stop involving yourself, it will do your son no favours and you will go insane! X

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 06/02/2016 19:47

ExH seems quite keen on ds having a relationship with his new half brother and ds actually seems quite excited about the whole idea. I want to completely withdraw really but I can't!

OP posts:

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 07/02/2016 08:57

Arrrrg just wish I didn't have to deal with stupid exH

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/02/2016 09:38

But you can withdraw. Leave it to ex to get in touch when he wants to arrange to see your DS. Don't do any running, don't expect him to follow through. Don't chase with texts or emails leave it all up to him. Think of him as an elderly slight batty relative who is crap at following through with anything.

JeanGenie23 · 07/02/2016 09:45

I think you can if you really wanted to, but you don't.

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