to be annoyed another parent has lied for my DD?

[moooooo83]

A long story trying to cut it short but don't want to drip feed.
DD(14) and her friend 'Kate' (and their sibling) skipped school one day last week...and Kate's dad has covered for them ...and I'm furious...
Bad weather meant the school buses were very, very late but DD managed to get on one. Then she sent me a series of texts telling me there was no point going in, there was no-one on the bus (lots had given up but turns out a lot got lifts in), someone's dad was going to pick them up and take them home in case the weather got worse ...etc, etc. I told her the forecast was for the weather to improve -she was on the bus she should go into school.
A couple of hours later I got a text from the school asking where she was. I phoned them and was told it might be a mistake, she might be in then got another saying she definitely wasn't in and a friend had said they thought she was in a nearby shop.
The school said she was classed as 'missing' so I told them everything she had said in her texts inc 'Kate' and sibling (who live near us) had been on the bus.
(DD wasn't replying to texts or answering her phone at this point)
And I told them to throw the book at her, agreed to a detention for her this week - she should and could have been in school.
They called again - another friend had said she was at Kate's house (whose parents are both usually out in the day).
I was on my way round there when I got several of the same text saying she thought she should go back and go to Kate's to do some revision (she says it must have been delayed and on her phone it does say it was sent before 10am but I'm dubious...seems too convenient when her friends in school would have just messaged them that the school knew they were skiving ...and I had got the texts/calls from the school etc no problem)
Then I got a call from DD she told me they were scared to go into school so late so had got straight on a bus back. And Kate's dad had seen them and said it was fine. And Kate (and sibling) were scared they were now in trouble too.
It was just gone 1pm by now and I told her to get on the next bus into school... (it is over 10 miles away, takes the best part of an hour to get there but it was the principle). Then she phoned me and said Kate's dad had spoken to the school and it was all ok - and they had agreed there was no point going in then.
I was a bit pissed off and phoned the dad and he said I knew what they were like - they were just too nervous to go in (like I said all the buses were late, there would have a group of them from that bus going in, they would have known they wouldn't be in trouble). He had seen them coming home and not to worry the school were fine with everything .
Then in a series of texts with DD she said they had messed up, thought it was a bit exciting, wanted to be naughty for once (they are generally very good and well behaved).
I saw Kate's mother that evening and she said she really felt for them - how scared they must have been not to go in after going all the way there etc - I was and told her about what DD had said but she didn't want to know.
This weekend DD let slip that they knew about the forecast, had talked about it the day before, thought they probably wouldn't get to school that day - had more or less planned it...
I told DD as far as I was concerned she would get the detention and I wouldn't cover for her. She said but Kate would be in trouble too.
I said I'd let the school decide....
Then yesterday asking when her detention was, DD tells me Kate's dad has written to the school, said he told them to come home, told DD to come back with them as they couldn't contact me and thought I'd want her safe - basically as DD (gleefully) told me - he has lied for them...

I am friendly with the parents - and actually Kate is generally a good influence on DD. I know it is tricky as either they were both 'innocent' or both 'guilty' and we have different parenting approaches to this. (They are more laid back about attendance anyway - Kate and sibling have a day off sick every other week.)
And they seem to want to believe the 'too scared' story - I think they are being hoodwinked -not an easy thing to tell another parent.

I think it an important life lesson - you do something naughty/stupid and get caught, you take the consequences. (in this case one detention is pretty minor)
I think I just feel angry my feelings on this have been ignored. (Then I guess though they do have two DCs involved.)
Also if the school phone me what do I say? That the dad is lying?
So AIBU to be really annoyed?
(I have to say I know it is only one day and I might be overreacting -but I started school refusing at DD's age - I don't want her to realise how easy it is to do that etc - its why I am so hot on attendance...)

I would just set a punishment for your daughter yourself and warn her that in future she follows your instructions and not another parent if it is contradictory, particularly when she was able to contact you.

I would probably contact the school and Kate's dad. Calmly and politely explaining (to both) that any issues relating to our DD's attendance (or non-attendance) at school are to be dealt with between you, school and DD. The school should absolutely not be accepting an absence note from anyone other than you or DD's father. Random parents cannot authorise a day off for other children - I'm shocked that the school have accepted this.

I think it is a bit joyless not to let your kid have snowday when the bus didn't turn up and her friends were having one.

And heavens yep...I have heard it before - get it on a regular basis -just in this instance it feels sooooooo unfair, especially being compared to how 'nice' Kate's dad is ....
(Getting in touch with my inner teen !)

And I think the school must know the truth really ...
I told them everything when I spoke to them on the day and then Kate's dad spoke to them too
and his version of events seem to have changed in the letter (if what DD says is true) - so I am pretty sure they have his card rather than mine marked...

I would have a very stern talk with your dd.

You need to tell her how disappointed you are (because that's how you feel) and how worried you were (because you were, ie take the situation where she wondering in the streets iin her own for hours).
Make it clear that it is NOT acceptable that anything like thios happens again.
That she might have been saved thanks to her friend's dad but it won't happen again (as you will tell the school of what has really happened next time).
And that the fact her friend's dad sees it as OK doesn't mean you see it as OK or that it os an acceptable thing to do.

In effect, follow what you think is right parenting wide and make it clear.
Let go of the issue with dad. Imo he was wrong to go against your wishes but then he also probably thought he was doing your dd and you a favour (ie assuming you would take the same stance as him).
Don't talk to the school THIS TIME

No-one's got form for truanting. There were some unusual and extenuating circumstances They're basically good kids. You've allowed your great displeasure to be known. Let it go - this once.

My dc would be in big trouble for a)not following instructions from me.
b) undermining me by going to another adult as she didn't like my decision.
c)choosing to refuse later in the day after she had been discovered.

I would be pissed off with Kate's dad and our friendship wouldn't be as close.

Dd would face consequences.

I didn't think about that - I haven't been asked for an absence letter ...yet ...if I am I will be truthful.
I will just wait for them to ask...although not sure if they will seeing as I said on the day I thought she was at school?
Not sure what the procedure is really- DD has only had half a day off in 4 years (thought she might have slapped check and had to wait for the GP to phone me to tell me that she could go in) and I think I probably sent a letter in with her then?
(I do write in advance asking for permission for her hospital appts)
Guess I'll have to wait and see...

Yep, stern talk here. (and then let it go).

And a reminder about not following the crowd. ie: if at any time DD had felt she aught to have gone to school then she should have acted on it and gone in. Not worried about what her friend fancied doing and regardless of the friend's dad sticking his nose in.

If it was me and the school contacted me again about this i'd be honest. Friend's dad can lie all he likes; it's a risky business and his look out.

I think you need to ease off because if she knows how you are going to react in future she'll stop telling the truth.

I have teens. I too think stern talk then let it go.

Kate's dad obviously decided to let things slide. I don't agree with him but if his daughter is as nice as you say, he and his wife are obviously getting something right and anyway you don't want to fall out with them. He was probably swayed a bit too much by his daughters genuine reluctance to go in so late, and felt that on a snow day -realistically by now, half a snow day- not much would be covered in school anyway.

I think the points to stress with your dd are that honesty is important if she wants your trust and that her safety is important too and you need to know where she is.

Texts are sometimes delayed IME and I don't think she could manipulate the time of sending shown on her phone.

I'd tell school they had no right to believe another parent with regards to your daughter's welfare. I'd be absolutely fuming and wouldn't give any of a variety of fucks if it got him into deep shit with school. His screw up, his problem.

And 30 minutes is a longtime to wait for a bus tbf

I used to get the bus to and from school at secondary - and it was regularly at least an half an hour late in the evening often longer - morning it could come any where from 8 to 8.40 and some form teachers would mark the as late - not mine though . Few times we had to walk the three and half miles as nothing came and we weren't able to cadge lifts.

Even regular bus routes with supposedly buses every ten minutes I've experienced that long gap between bunched buses and that can be longer than half an hour - one of things I hate most about buses.

I think I'd be checking with the school that there was no reason for the pupils to feel concerned about being last as bus didn't turn up - and then asking the school to make sure they know this in the future and what the procedure is if it happens again.

Thus eliminating this as any kind of possible excuse in the future for your DD.

I'd probably also express my scepticism if subject arose with other parents - polite I'd find that really hard to believe.

Personally I read the riot act about not knowing where she was and if she was safe - and say it had better not happen again what ever her friends are or what their parents think.

I'd be surprised if your telling the school one thing and another parent is saying it's all okay they'd take other parents word for your child.

I'm also surprised everyone is so relaxed - most of my friends who truant regularly started as they found they could with minimal consequences.

Though doubt I'd do much more than a stern talk, dark threats for any future happenings - check with school about late procedures and back them up if they want to do detentions and refuse to supply a letter.

Unless the school told you or ask about the other parents letter I don't think you can be sure what the other parents has said or done in the letter - has you DD actually seen it for starters or is she going f what her friend says is in it - could be case of Chinese whispers there.

The attitude to non-attendance has changed a lot in recent years. See multiple threads on the subject. It may not have been a big deal when Mumsnetters were at school, but it certainly is now. There are consequences for schools if they are slack about it.

Lying to get out of trouble is always a black mark. Teachers spend far too much of their time working out who's telling the truth. You always remember in the future when you've caught them out once. Even, or especially, good girls.

OP, you could always phone the head of year and ask what their unauthorised absence policy is. Tell them that you have no satisfactory explanation for DD missing school and want to support them in any sanction they issue. They may have decided not to issue a sanction as it is a one off and extenuating circumstances, in which case you have a talk with DD about how lucky she is that the school aren't taking it further.

read a thread on mn where an adult set himself up as the good guy and the mother as the bad guy and systematically undermined the parent's authority and the affections of her son. It did not end well for the son. Kate's father has abrogated your parental authority, undermined your relationship with your dd and if kate's version is true the school has allowed an unrelated male to give permission for your dd's absence. I\d clear this up with the school as a very dangerous precedent has been set. I'd make sure that kate's parents know you have cleared this up with the school and that they had no right to speak on your behalf to allow your dd to do what she knew you wd not allow. I wd not want my dd to be at that house again.