AIBU to feel so piddled off

[Ginandribbons]

So I've been stewing on monster in law issues and gotten myself so worked up I can't seem to reason with myself anymore.

My in laws think they're the worlds best grandparents (don't they all) however in reality they do not bother with my daughter at all, she is their first and only grandchild but they make no effort. We have to ask to go to see them and often they say they're busy or if we do go over they just sit there and do nothing. They chose not to come to dd 1st birthday party, instead going to the wedding of a cousins son who they don't even know (but hey it's a free dinner!) but when another family member decided to make passive aggressive comments about not being invited which I called her out on, mil deleted me on fb...such drama!
We're now expecting our second baby and things are still tense with mil, the rest of the family have barely congratulated us on the new baby but...and this is what really effs me off...she has announced via fb that she is getting another grandchild and everyone is delighted for her.

I know the Facebook world is the source of much antagonism in families and things get misconstrued but am I really going to have to sit her down and tell her she's acting like a 12 year old girl? The grown up side of me that wants my dd to have a proper relationship with her extended family knows I need to address the situation like an adult but good lord I really just want to punch her in her stupid fucking face!

YABU. What else do you resent about them?

OP
You sound like you are being very unreasonable.

I'd suggest taking a step back and not worry about any of this. Let your DH deal with his parents. Maybe the are actually busy, it doesn't really matter.

Can you hide family members on Facebook? Sending snippy comments on it is really immature.

Really and truly what is so fascinating about about a child's first birthday? Yes I fully understand the parents delight but other adults may not be so baby orientated.

You may find that as your children get older and more interesting than the grandparents will be able to relate to them more. It could also be they are frightened of getting caught up in the free baby minding (not saying you are one of those couples) that quite a few grandparents seem to be trapped into doing (refer mumsnet).

So yes, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Personally I would prefer attending a family wedding than a babies birthday party, and I am not by any means a social animal. Give me a good book and I prefer to stay home.

If also sack off a baby's 1st birthday for a wedding any day. Nursery rhymes v booze food & friends? No contest

*I'd

Piper ref your "FFS not another grandchild".... post. Made me laugh.

No, Ziggy, if you read my posts you'll find I don't use the word 'fucking' or variations of it. I don't care if others use it, but saying it in relation to me does annoy me. However, there is a difference between saying it to someone's face, and saying it about them to strangers. (Not ideal, but there is a difference).

A twofaced difference, sure. We are grown ups here, we swear, you'll need to get over it.

Ziggy - so you're fine using the word 'fucking' to me, but you object to OP saying it about her MIL? Riiiiight.

And what's with the exclusionary 'we' and 'we'? Are we in the playground?

Oohhhh. Bunfight. Gets popcorn and moves closed to computer screen.

closer not closed

eek, I don't want to be in a bunfight, Ozzie! and certainly not one that's popcorn worthy!

Nope, don't get it, YABU

Nope, I'm fine with the fucking for anyone. Its the smashing peoples faces in that I object to.
You know, like rational people everywhere.

But I see variations of 'smashing people's faces in' all the time on MN.

'I want to give her a slap'
'WIBU to kill my husband'
'AIBU to kick her into next week'

Most people don't mean it. It seems hypocritical to pull one poster up for something and ignore dozens of other instances.

You find the above 'rude and aggressive' and someone else finds swearing rude and aggressive. It's all relative.

Funnily enough, its not the same people on every single thread. So no, its not hypocritical at all.

I don't understand all these 'expectations' of grand parents these days.
What exactly are they supposed to do to be considered good?
From what I can gather, they are supposed to babysit on demand, take grandchildren out, attend all parties, be unpaid childminders and do all the travelling to visit.
When I was a child, we had to make the effort to visit grand parents. They didn't do anything other than read to you or play quiet games and spoil you with a few sweets or cakes.
Not attending a first birthday party hardly marks them down as bad or not good.

Ok, it's arbitrary then, at least. Deciding what is rude and what isn't.

It really isn't arbitrary at all, don't be ridiculous.
Saying you are going to smash someones face in, punch someone, kick them etc....really fucking rude. Whether with swearing or not.
Swearing, not particularly fucking rude at all.

Did you ever discuss what sort of role they wanted to play in your DCs lives? It sounds to me as if your expectatoons and theirs are poles apart really. I wonder what their grandparents were like. They might not know any different.

And while I understand your ipset at the snubbed bday invite, i wonder how old they are and if weddings trump birthdays in their world view.

I'm sure there's lots of other stuff behind this post, I doubt the grandparents are in their eighties and so sitting in a chair doing nothing and not showing affection to the baby or being remotely fussy about her is probably what is pissing the OP off.

How was your relationship with them before the baby?

How was DHs relationship with them?

Wedding invitations and acceptances go out months in advance. It is likely that they had already confirmed their attendance at the wedding. It would have been extremely rude of them to then drop out for a subsequent invitation. Is it possible that they were upset that you arranged a party for your child without checking whether his/her own grandparents' were able to attend? They may have felt snubbed by you.

Ziggy

It really isn't arbitrary at all, don't be ridiculous. Saying you are going to smash someones face in, punch someone, kick them etc....really fucking rude. Whether with swearing or not. Swearing, not particularly fucking rude at all.

Ziggy, so would you swear at your mother? Your child? The queen? Do you tell your child 'Come and eat your fucking tea?' Do your greet your mum with 'How are you, fucking bitch?'

My point is that you do not get to decide what is rude, and what is not.

YANBU in my opinion. Hard to explain to people how it feels when GPs don't care. And if it's PILs, no one will ever understand! I have been in the exact same situation, and time and time again my DD was second priority for them. It's so hard to see your child matter so little to people who should care so much. Mine also would just sit to the side watching, never interacting, if they could even bear to stay in the same room when we visited. People will always comment that PIL can never get it right, only ever used for babysitting etc. We asked maybe 6 or 7 times in 2 years and were usually turned down. It is hurtful, and people who have kind PIL can't understand how it feels.