a very spiteful girl at dd's school, they are only 6, please help

[frogletsproglets]

I have had dd in tears on and off all weekend

she had a "best friend" but this "best friend" has turned against her, and is turning other girls against her too. among other incidents, most recently she has spat in dd's hair (obviously I reported this). and she gets DD to play with her but she is just pretending, as she then runs away from her and laughs when DD cries. I have told DD to not chase after her (or anyone, good life lesson there) , as if she gets a reaction she will do it more, and to not bother playing with this girl when she is just mean to her. DD is very shy and I don't think she has many friends

she is distraught over it all, and earlier she was sobbing and just saying, whhyyyy doesn't she like me anymore

I don't know what to say to her. I had this kind of stuff in juniors and tbh it only got worse in high school :/

I am friendly-ish with this girls mother, not sure whether to mention anything....
I don't know what to do for the best, I have an older dc as well, who is 9 (and a boy, I suspect this makes a difference tbh) and have never had any friendship issues like this with him.

Keep a diary of incidents. Keep it factual, just writing down what DD reports. It is much better to be objective (here are the facts) than subjective (my DD is distraught and this girl is being nasty). You can then discuss with the teacher with factual reports of what has been going on.

Do not involve the other mother. All mothers think their children are perfect and she will become very protective and possibly start saying bad things about you and your DD at home in front of this other child, which will not help the situation. Play dumb.

When I was in similar situation as a child what (in hindsight - I couldn't explain it then) was difficult too was that I actually wanted to be friends with the girl. My mother called her "mean" and then I felt worse because (the bit I couldn't explain, but felt) I wanted to be friends with a mean person.

You might have a point there kitchen - but its like seeing your child in an emotionally abusive relationship - in fact that is exactly what it is, you don't want to encourage them to remain in the relationship or help them stay in the relationship, you want them to get the f*ck out of Dodge...

DS2 was bouncing around joyfully shouting "D is a bottom!" this afternoon, so I think he is very relieved atm to have the popular, superficially privileged but horribly manipulative and probably really quite troubled and messed up child who has been poisoning DS2's days labelled as undesirable :o

This is an excellent book which helps with all sorts of friendship situations - includes lots of role-playing which someone mentioned earlier which I think can be very helpful.

My Ds who has just turned 7 has had the same experience with his supposed best friend from nursery. Here is what we did and what worked and didn't work for us.

1. We did mention to the teacher but at the end of the year in his report did get the comment that he worries too much about what others think of him!

2. We invited other nice kids on play dates and whilst he played well with them at home he still was drawn to the BF in school

3. We told him only to play with kids who were nice to him or play nice. He does now walk away when kids get rough although initially he said everyone else had already made their friends so didn't want him to play.

4. To help him to do 3 we needed something that he could do on his own. Ds' school doesn't allow kids to bring in toys so I bought him two sets of buttons: 1x set shaped like Ladybirds and another set that look like gems(ie treasure). He keeps one set in his trouser pocket and if the BF starts being nasty and says he doesn't want to play with DS. DS says "Fine!" Shrugs his shoulders and goes to the opposite side of the playground brings out his buttons and plays games with them. Ie hopscotch, tries to land them on certain lines/leaves in the playground. (I got him to practice saying fine and shrugging so that it took all of the emotion out of it so that when he did say it he felt as if he was taking back control.)

Strangely enough this seems to act like a magnet for kids to come play and join in😀

As you can see OP this is a very common occurrence, and there will be other situations as she moves through school. There were problems with my DGD and her friend in primary school, and I was urging my DIL to talk to the school, but she said that the best thing was to give your child the skills to deal with these situations that arise, and she was so right. DGD was being bullied in the sense that another child monopolised her and wouldn't let her play with anyone else, and sometimes turned against her and got other kids to join in............but DGD came through it and in Yr 6 (they were going to separate sec schools) she said "I will never let anyone do that to me again. My DIL is now a deputy head of a primary school and she said there is always trouble in the friendship groups with the girls and often parents come in asking if X can be moved from Y but the kids usually make it up, and then fall out again etc..........

Incidentally I don't think it's appropriate to call a 6year old spiteful

I don't think it's appropriate to call a 6year old spiteful

Why?

Op The best thing you, and the school staff can do is encourage your DD to have a wide circle of friends.Unfortunately this falling in and out of friends, for no apparent reason, seems to be part and parcel of life for girls.Your DD will eventually harden to it to some extent, the first cut is the deepest.

Lots of good suggestions here, definitely involve the school, you won't get anywhere with the mum.

Have you looked at enrolling her in an outside club like Beavers or Rainbows? It will give her a different peer group outside school, and a well run group will help boost her confidence.

thanks all will see how she gets on today