MIL - housesitting stress with damaging stuff

[diymania]

For the last few years my MIL has asked to stay in our house while we are on holiday during the summer for a week a) to do us a favour by feeding our cat and b) to go and visit friends who are around the vicinity.

Tbh it's a hassle. We have a regular cat sitter we use but she enjoys the break, likes being somewhere 'new' and likes to think she's being helpful (and in general life she is!)

Trouble is, she's a bit cack handed and increasingly breaks stuff...

• £500 induction hob cracked needed complete replacement
• dropped £300 dyson vacuum requiring replacement
• dropped £50 iron breaking it
• plus few mugs etc.

She's also not very observant (or is too embarrassed to own up) so has never mentioned any of these breakages except the mugs! We didn't mention them either as we didn't want to embarrass her, she can be defensive and they were obviously accidents and could happen to anyone.

AIBU to ask her not to house sit? I would really, really like her to stop house sitting but I don't want to offend her. If I say the real reason why I can't see it going down well. I could make up a fictitious but plausible other house guest but I don't particularly want to do that either. Should I just suck up the breakages for the greater peaceful good?

My MIL's a bit like that - tends to be clumsy/not thinking but means well.

Personally I try to preempt her desires and then bend them to my convenience (or at least, least inconvenience). In this case, knowing when we planned to go away, I'd be inviting MIL now to come and stay for a few days a week or so before, to catch up with friends but also to have dinner out "because we never get to see you, you only seem to come when we're away". Then I'd not mention going away, and if she found out and queried, I'd say "that's lovely of you to offer, but we thought that having only just been to see us, it would be such a faff for you to be away from home again so soon and we didn't want to impose, so we've asked X". If she's there when you are, she won't need to iron, Hoover, etc because you'd be doing it - you'd suck up ironing her things at the same time as yours to minimise breakages and potential for disaster, she'd be happy at such a lovely DIL.

I make a mental note now of how long it's been since we last saw MIL, and if I think she's about to call and suggest a date (which is almost always genuinely inconvenient for us, but I don't want her to think that we are making excuses not to see her), I make a list of possible dates and call her, to get in first. Seems to work well so far; we had a period a few years back when she'd call with a date, DH would say yes without looking at the calendar, I'd have to phone back saying that we were going to a wedding or something similarly immovable and I always looked like the bad guy. I find if I get in first with a suggestion, she's delighted, it works for us, and family harmony is maintained, so I apply it to every aspect of the relationship... Even down to DC's Christmas presents, which are now welcomed by all, and MIL is happy she has a clear objective and genuine delight from her DGC!

I know I sound cynical here, but I do genuinely like, get on with and care for my MIL, and I have found that this approach causes least resentment on all sides.

I realise this is very annoying for you but is there any chance she has some kind of ongoing illness issues she isn't telling you about?

If she is dropping a lot of things, she may have neurological problems or muscle weakness or minor stroke?

Actually that's a good point - it might be worth trying to check up on her general health. We noticed my grandmother becoming increasingly clumsy in the months prior to a major brain haemorrhage (the clumsiness had been put down to eyesight difficulties).

Now I feel a bit sorry for your MIL . Occasionally my iron will do the water dripping but that is generally because the heat temperature dial is set too low and I have it on steam setting.

As for the hob it might have been repairable at the chip stage (just like normal glass) but obviously not when it started to crack.

The Dyson you didn't really like anyway and did you show her how it worked beforehand? I think we forget that the older generation did not have the technology we have today and just assume they know how to use it.

I always remember the time my mother was house sitting at other siblings house while she was in hospital (SIL working away) and cleaned her copper coffee table. My sister was distraught when she found out, but never told mum it (the copper engraved top) had a protective lacquer coating which mum had destroyed with a copper cleaner.

Perhaps your MIL could stay with her friends next time if you offered to pay her expenses.

Adishbesteatencold that made me laugh 😄 And 😳 In equal measures!

abetadad the dropping stuff is over the course of 18 months to 2 years. I know she's chipped a floor tile at home with dropping something, but really haven't seen any sign of anything worrying. Will keep an eye on her though.

Ooohhh.....I don't know. These things could well happen while she's looking after the kids to give us a weekend away, or something equally nice of her (which she is always more than happy to do). I guess because it's time that she doesn't have to be here...or that we haven't asked for that annoys me about it more somehow. And then that makes me feel churlish for wanting to stop something she likes despite the ensueing chaos. But every time I iron I'm irritated by the water dripping out and the hob annoyed me every time I wiped it until it was replaced.

Maybe looking into getting good accidental damage cover and mentioning it so that maybe she can try and be less bull in a china shop might help. And if things continue then at we say we'd prefer she didn't stay it wouldn't come out of nowhere?

If your MIL asks when you're going on holidays and she is willing to look after your cat, and if you don't feel up to saying "Thanks but no thanks", tell her that you're putting your cat into a cattery and that you wont need her to stay in your house.

It should come from your DH though.

Sadly you can't repair the chips on hobs. It's not like normal windscreen as it has to withstand heating and cooling etc. That was why I didn't mention it to her at the start as I thought it'd be just a small repair job.

The dyson....well, I didn't show her, but she does have a dyson herself, although not the same model.

Iron...isn't normal dripping. It pours out from the casing if you hold it sideways. Although does give me an excuse not to iron

But that's true....we could try and anticipate things she might need. The hob thing.....I have since moved the mugs to a different cupboard as (Sod's law) i could just see me doing it after it was replaced. I didn't realise how vulnerable and expensive repairs would be.

Thank you Titclash for the link about that game. I found that really interesting.

Tell her you would prefer her to come and when you are actually there, so you can all spend time together.

But don't let her near anything breakable

whatcha I think my mil would know I'm too soft to put my mog in a cattery!

Fuck, I'd not tell her and get a friend in to do what needs to be done.

I must admit I was surprised that a mug dropping on an induction hob caused so much damage. I will have to warn my sister who is thinking of getting one as BIL is clumsy. Thanks whatcha.

I'd have to mention the stuff to her, it would piss me right off every time I saw her after that, all id be thinking is that you've cost me nearly £1000, but them my MIL is a piss taker too with no regard for anyone else's stuff.

Whilst renovating out house she managed to break a 1 day old kettle by slamming it down like the hulk, spilt milk alla down the back of our new kitchen cupboards, so it stunk for weeks, scratched the new worktops by not using a chopping board, using a scourer to clean our new brushed steel hob leaving tons of scratches, throwing a bucket of water on the week old laminate flooring to clean as if it were a patio... its buckled in places but we've had to live with it and i buy a lot of rugs. and of course dp suggested we never tell her for fear of embarrassing her, didn't see him rushing out spending his money on replacing anything though!

The list goes on, if there is genuinely something wrong with her then i'd be a bit more lenient, but people who just break things, and don't even admit they've done it really wouldn't be welcome in my house. If you dont want her to stay then just say no. its not on anymore, your allowed to, it is your house after all.

ozzie it could've been a jar of coffee or tea caddy which are a bit heavier than a mug. I only thought it was the mug because she broke a couple in that visit so assumed it must've been that. Maybe it's because it was right on the edge....we'd had it four years with no damage prior to that. But I've rearranged my cupboards so no glass jars or ceramics are close to the hob now!