AIBU to let my SD's boyfriend move in with us?

[cattypussclaw]

Be gentle with me ladies, I'm usually just a lurker...

OK, so my SD is 21, lives with her Mum and brothers in a town about an hour or so drive from us. She has a boyfriend, same age, let's call him Bob, that she has been with a few months. Came and stayed with us over New Year. Seems a nice guy, polite, well mannered and very patient with my DD (6) who loves her big sister and wanted to be with her all the time she was here (which some boyfriends might have objected to?).

As I said, SD lives with her Mum has a job and works full time (but funny hours as hospitality industry). Bob can't work because of a back injury. He did tell me exactly what but I can't remember. He did live with his Mum and her boyfriend in London, but fell out with the boyfriend and his Mum asked him to leave. He now doesn't speak to his Mum. His Dad has a new family in Scotland and doesn't have any contact with Bob. Bob is currently sleeping on friend's floors when not with my SD. SD's Mum will let him stay for a few days here and there but will not allow him to move in (she allowed a previous boyfriend of SD to move in, it ended badly).

SD and Bob want to live together. SD is considering renting them a flat in her home town but is on low wages and will bear the responsibility of supporting Bob. We don't see how they can do it until Bob gets a job but Bob can't get a job until he's had his back op and the hospital won't do the back op until he has a stable home to recuperate in. Which he doesn't have because he hasn't got a job to rent one... Vicious circle.

AIBU to let him come and stay with us? Get him registered with the local GP, get him under the local hospital and get his back sorted. Then he can get a job and go rent with SD and they'll live happily ever after. Maybe.

I know there will need to be ground rules and him and SD may well not be together forever but AIBU to think that someone needs to step up and help him out of this Catch-22? His parents aren't interested (I'm struggling not to judge them but I obviously only know Bob's side of the story). It would be great for my DD as obviously my SD would be here when not working for a few days so she would see more of her... I appreciate that I don't really know this young man and I have a young daughter to think about. Am I opening myself up to a potential load of trouble? My OH says it is entirely up to me as I'm the one whose face he'll be in all day, every day (I'm a SAHM).

Sorry, this is long, didn't want to drip feed. What do you think?

I'd be telling my child to run for this hills, everything about this seems very shady indeed. I work in a hospital and I think he is telling a few lies here to avoid work and to get people to feel sorry for him. There is no way his JSA would be cut if he was awaiting a back operation.

Plus if you wanted that back operation you'd be calling every week to see if they had sent you an appointment. There are other ways of receiving post i.e. post office than having it sent to a fixed address which if he really want his back op (if in fact he needs one) then he'd be doing everything he could. The fact his parents want little to do with or to help him out speaks volumes in my eyes.
What he says about not wanting men around sounds very dangerous to me and I think your SD is being led down a path that could end up being abusive.

No No No! I wouldn't dream of doing this and I'm glad you've changed your mind.

It wouldn't be fair on your younger DD. A few days is very different to weeks/months being laid up and there all the time. Once you've got him there, how on earth would you get him to move on?

But most importantly, your SD is only 21 and she's only known hi a few months. He could be history the day before the op, then what would you do?!

He needs to work at his relationship with his parents if that's at all possible, or explore other avenues. Has he asked you if this can happen or has your SD?

I'm beginning to wonder at his story myself, no73. I am somehow doubtful that his back is anywhere as near as bad as he makes out. When he was here over New Year, he and SD took my DD to the park. Bob gave my DD a piggyback home. I did wonder then. He can't work but he can give a child a half mile piggyback?

I'm glad I came on here and was give some suggestions of things I needed to clarify with him. Because I've asked and now things just aren't adding up as well as I thought they did.

There's no talking to SD. She won't listen to me, she thinks Bob is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I might try and catch up with her Mum and talk it through. But I know her Mum has tried to tell her that she's too young and should slow things down, especially after her previous disastrous boyfriend (and engagement!). Perhaps a rented place near her job (and her Mum) would be good. We could provide some financial support, her Mum could keep an eye on things...

Thanks all.

No Roussette, neither SD nor he have asked for any help at all but she's been posting on Facebook about looking for flats and how expensive they are. My OH and I have just been discussing how we could help them.

Oh and, yes no73, you'd think he'd be desperate to have his op but he has no sense of urgency at all...

He is 21, not 12. He is not able to resolve some very simple situations which even a 12 year old would be able to solve, or at least figure out how to ask for help.

For his operation, it would have been very easy to tell his friends that he's expecting a letter from the hospital, to please let him know when the letter arrives. Unless he fell out with those friends...why didn't they tell him when his letter arrived? Something doesn't add up. People who bed-block are often people who had surgery and now there's nowhere for the hospital to release them to. So it's not like the hospital refuses to do surgery until they have proof of where the patient will go.

He hasn't asked you for help, you are the one approaching him with suggestions and offers that he had never thought of! How could he not have thought of it before? He is homeless but he has not had any of his own ideas about how to resolve that, other than sponging off your SD who is working very hard? Hotel work is hard. Your SD is already working very hard, and shouldn't have to support him when he hasn't made the effort to think of his own solutions.

Why are you offering him money? Has he asked for financial help? Has he said, 'if only I had a deposit I could get a houseshare'? No. In fact he has never thought of having a houseshare until you suggested it. You are the one coming up with ideas for him and then offering him the money to implement those ideas.

Has he any mental health problems, or is he having difficulty thinking through his situation? If so, what he needs is not money from you, but professional help. Maybe he is so weighed down with his situation that he can't really think straight. But I don't see how throwing money at him or moving him into your house will help.

I feel sorry for him. You are good person to want to help. But you need to find the right kind of help.

If I had the resources to support him post op, I would do it.

If he is genuine then you give a stranger a hand getting him on his feet.
If not, you put yourself in a very strong position to guardian SD by warning her about him in a way that protects her.
In other words, take the hit yourself.

I regularly help homeless people and people who are not well off, even though I'm not much better off myself.
I have occasionally been ripped off or taken advantage of. Always by spoiled kids from nice backgrounds playing at being poor.
I am no worse off overall as a result. I dont put myself at huge risk. They can only do so much material damage.

From reading your last post, I would strongly advise you against facilitating your SD in moving in with this guy.

He is going to leech off her financially and emotionally for as long as he possibly can, and is going to make her life hell with his controlling jealousy, and you are trying to finance her actually MOVING IN with him after only knowing him a matter of weeks?

You have a duty of care to you SD, even if she isn't living with you, and this is the exact opposite of looking after her best interests.

Oh, he has a problem for every solution, doesn't he?!

You sound lovely OP and my instinct is to try to help people too, but you have to be careful because there are people who spend their lives homing in on people like us and playing us like a fiddle. They usually have an excellent line in sob stories too but, like Bob, always seem to find a reason why they can't do anything to help themselves. My exdh was one of them.

Not saying he IS like that... just, I'm getting this weird feeling of recognition from reading your posts. Watch and wait is what I would do. I wouldn't be 100% surprised if it turned out there wasn't a fat lot wrong with his back in all honesty.

icanteven Thu 04-Feb-16 07:05:02

^^ This with bells on. He has a problem for every solution being the other very good point.

Don't support them financially to get a place together. Your SD needs to back off and keep him at arms length to see if he will start to step up. Which by the sound of him is not going to happen anytime soon.