To ask how different life is with 2 children than with one?

[BasinHaircut]

Considering a second child after previously ruling it out.

Would you tell me the best and worst/hardest and easiest things about having 2 children over one please?

My head is telling me to stick at one (for selfish reasons) but my heart is saying I need another one.

[BasinHaircut]

That was meant to be 'easy' not easy.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es]

Looki I was 37 and 39 when I had mine, I am one of those who have said I absolutely love having two, no regrets for a second etc. But I do acknowledge it is harder, probably much harder, and a lot more expensive, but it is what it is, I have no real recollection now of what it was like just having one and absolutely no idea what it would be like having just one as they got older. I look in awe at people who say they love having three or more though as I simply couldn't imagine having any more and so I suppose it's all relative.

Another thing for us is that our DC2 has turned out to be a much easier child than DC1 (who has SNs), we never had that experience of one perfectly well behaved child sitting in restaurants etc and it is in some ways easier with two as he has DC2 to talk to, same when out and about generally. So I suppose everyone's experience is different.

[looki]

Or maybe a nicer way of saying it is that there isn't a day that I don't miss having just one child.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

looki it isn't because you have 2 children. If you had had your 2nd child first it sounds as if you would have had your life thrown into chaos from the start of parenthood.

Things go in phases and a placid baby/ toddler / preschooler can end up having a "difficult" phase for a few years as a child or teen, and a wild-child can morph into a "perfect" school kid.

My DC1 was very restaurant friendly (but a moderately bad sleeper til she was nearly 2, and really quite bad as a baby under 9 months), my DC2 was not capable of sitting still but a good sleeper. So we had less of the good/ difficult divide - maybe that made it easier (I was so happy DC2 slept that I gladly gave up the odd meal in a restaurant for a few years).

Also managing expectations is incredibly important - if you go into parenthood expecting to carry on as you did pre kids but with a cute, charming little cherrub in tow you are mostly headed for massive disappointment - you were lucky as can be to get away with it with DC1, but DC2 has brought you crashing back to earth by the sound of things - an only child could have done the same to you right from the start, with a different temperament.

Perhaps those of us who found 2 easy were a little bit more realistic in our expectations, so didn't feel the world ended when we couldn't go out for evening restaurant meals etc.

Actually I found going from 2-3 children hardest perhaps because my expectations were then unrealistic - everyone says 2-3 is easy as nothing really changes, but it really, really did (partly because he was such a poor sleeper, but also a more "ferrel" child than the older 2 as a toddler - he climbed vertical surfaces like a thing possessed ... I didn't need stair gates for the older 2 but I needed door frame and bookshelf gates for DC3 :o )

[sohackedoff]

My eldest was an only child for seven years. Child two then arrived. Obviously children one and two have too big a gap to play together. However, child three was born when child two was 20 months old, so two and three are the best of buddies. So much easier for me with two and three than when it was just child one. Also, children two and three have so much fun together.

[looki]

Schwab I'm afraid I totally disagree.

If my first child had the temperament of my second, we would have had all the time available to help her cope with her emotions, to teach her and to distract her. It all comes back to nature v nurture. I was a far better mother to one chd than I can be to two. There is absolutely no question of that.

OP let us know what you decide :-)

[Xmasbaby11]

You can't give as much to each child when you have 2dc that is true. This is hopefully outweighed by the fact the dc have each other.

Life is much more chaotic with 2. Dd1 was adaptable and easily missed naps, slept anywhere etc but dd2 is not like that. Going out for meals is chaotic and rarely fun. For my husband's 50th we had a big meal out with family. neither of us had chance to even finish our meals let alone chat to people. We each had to take charge of a child making sure they didn't disturb people in the restaurant. Events like that make me long for the time to pass until they don't need so much monitoring. I can't wait for dd1 to start school in September so I have more time for dd2.

I do look at families of one child and think how calm and easy it looks. But I still wouldn't want that for us - dd2 is much adored. Looki I hope you enjoy later stages and don't feel bad about not enjoying this time. I didn't enjoy the first year of dd2s life and used to cry when friends in the same boat were so happy and managed things better. It is much better now I'm back at work but it is still hard having a 2 and 4 yo!

[Ashers40]

It's really hard work for a couple of years. Now mine are 10 and 8, and it's brilliant! Two girls, they spend HOURS playing together. It's like payback for all the hours you put in when they're little. Now they free up my time by amusing each other. If I only had one I'd have to be their playmate or constantly organising play dates. They do argue sometimes of course which is tedious but it's usually short lived. Of course there's no guarantee they will get on. As an adult, when my parents died, I appreciated having a sibling so much. It would have been so much harder going through it on my own. She's the only person who really understood.

Watching them grow up, seeing their similarities and their differences, how close they are, how much they love each other. It's just the best thing. Honestly

[BasinHaircut]

looki I think my DS is like your DC2 and believe me there is no teaching him to cope with things such as sitting in restaurants and we don't have another child to cope with! It's just the way he is. He is a v strong willed Tasmanian devil. If I take my eyes off of him he is climbing and jumping off of everything.

I think you are giving yourself a hard time . you must feel guilty for feeling the way you do and I bet that doesn't help.

But I do agree that if you had had DC2 first, the second would probably have been less of a shock!

I think we will go for it, if anything this thread is making me think we should consider going for it sooner rather than later. Would be nice to be on my leave when DS starts reception next sept, but maybe not wait too long to TTC so it's maybe part way through my mat leave rather than right at the start.

I hear all of the negatives though. A few months ago they were the reasons I was absolutely not having another. Now they seem less significant. Can't pin down why or what has changed though.

[hambo]

I love having two, it was easy having a second child as I had routines etc in place from having DS1. Popped DS2 in a sling and carried on. When he was big enough they amused each other and now I leave them playing together for hours. Personally I would have more (if I wasn't so old!), each child just brings more love.

[MegBusset]

Mine are two years apart (6 and 8 now) but they are so close that I often get asked by people who don't know them if they're twins. It was an ideal age gap for me - two at home wasn't too bad because thankfully DS2 was a good sleeper (DS1 was awful but much better by the time DS2 came along) and I had a good network of local friends I'd met when DS1 was a baby.

The worst:
The noise oh god the noise. It is SO much quieter when one of them is out of the house!
The bickering and talking over each other
They know exactly how to wind each other up, and do!

The best:
Their relationship. They learn so much from each other... stuff that I just couldn't teach them. How to get along, negotiate, share, express feelings. The games they invent to play together are incredible and they can talk for hours about stuff Minecraft that makes my eyes glaze over. The house is usually filled with shrieks of laughter. In the summer they vanish out to the trampoline for ages. They have to always be in the same square foot of space - even if they argue and are separated, within minutes they're desperate to be with each other again.

In terms of not having time for yourself... that gets much easier as they get older. Now they can play together for hours, we can go out to restaurants no bother (tbh they have always been pretty good at this, I put in a lot of practice at coffee shops when I was a SAHM!). They share the same interests which means they can do the same activities out of school. I don't think it was that much more expensive to have two - certainly not double the cost - they're both the same gender so that helps with hand-me-downs.

Two is the perfect number for me. I have occasionally pondered having a third but I would really worry about another child being left out as DS1 and DS2 are so close.

[KatharinaRosalie]

2 years (and a day) here and it has been a lot easier than I feared. Helped that DC2 is a very happy, content baby as well. DC1 is 2,5 and sometimes a total pain in the arse, (nothing major, just being 2) but he would be a pain whether we had DC2 or not.

It was a good gap for us, as DC1 was able to do a lot of stuff by himself - dress himself, use the toilet, get himself a drink, bring me nappies and wipes for DC2 etc.

I also have to say that the best is their relationship. DC2 adores her big brother. Is always looking what he's doing - and he on the other hand happily entertains her and loves to make her laugh. When you have your 2-year old carefully positioning himself on the widest part of the sofa, so he can ask to hold baby, that's just the cutest thing.

(unfortunately - not guaranteed. I have a friend with DC with the same gap, older one absolutely hates the smaller one, and tries to hit or shove or pinch her every time he walks past).

[Hygellig]

It was hard work in the early days (DS was 2.1 when DD was born). I found it very difficult to give them both enough attention and DS was quite jealous of his sister at first. As they've got older, it's got a bit easier, and they do play quite nicely together sometimes. DS likes to give his sister phonics lessons in the bath with the foam letters and they fortunately share the same taste in terms of TV programmes. I'm hoping that having them relatively close together will work out well in the long term and that they will get on when they're older.

It can be quite hard in terms of days out, as I can't run in two different directions at the same time. I find it quite a relief just having DD at home now DS is at school. It can also be difficult when DS wants to do some kind of elaborate creating project and DD needs help to do something else, or when I try and play a board game with DS and DD messes it up (this cuts both ways, as he sometimes breaks a train track that she's built, for example).

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

MegBusset my big two are like that - people think they are twins :o The younger one is actually a couple of cm taller than the older one, which does feed into that illusion! I tried to carve out DC2 a hobby for himself as I thought he was a bit overshadowed by DC1, but within weeks he was asking if DC1 could please do it too as it wasn't fair she had to miss out :o As it turned out they still do that hobby together but DC1 dropped something else they both did which DC2 now excels at, and DC1 has taken up something new, so they do have more separate identities / interests now (older one is at secondary) but my attempt to foster that backfired :o

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es]

My ten year old is a couple of cm taller than my 12yo at the moment too, we get asked if they are twins.