To ask how different life is with 2 children than with one?

[BasinHaircut]

Considering a second child after previously ruling it out.

Would you tell me the best and worst/hardest and easiest things about having 2 children over one please?

My head is telling me to stick at one (for selfish reasons) but my heart is saying I need another one.

[divafever99]

4.5 years between my 2 daughters,
Advantages are:
Dd1 can wash, dress, feed herself while I see to the baby.
Dd1 also keeps dd2 entertained so she is rarely bored when she Is around.
Dd1 started school soon after dd2 was born so I have had lots of time with dd2.
I will only have 1 lot of nursery fees to pay when I return to work after mat leave.
I don't feel 2 is twice as much work and dd2 seems a lot easier to look after, but maybe that is because I am more relaxed!
Disadvantages:
The school run! Everyone up out and fed before 8:30am
Dd2's routine has to fit round school run, but after a couple of months I managed it!
I had just finished the baby/toddler phase (such as going out without spare clothes nappies milk and taken down stair gates etc) and now I am starting all over again!

[BasinHaircut]

Christ even the worst bits are making me broody!

[fadingfast]

I found pregnancy much harder second time round. Far more tired and sick than the first time. 3.5 year gap worked pretty well for us and I found the early months and years actually much easier than I expected, partly because DD was quite an 'easy' baby (fed well, slept well) compared to DS. By the time she came along (age gap a bit bigger than we'd intended), DS was potty trained and at pre-school three mornings a week so although it was a bit of an effort getting out and about, it meant that I had a bit of respite from the demands of a newborn and a pre-schooler.

Now they are older, they do seem to be getting on a bit better and there are moments (sometimes fleeting) of utter joy seeing them together. But for me, the worst thing has been the bickering and arguing. Perhaps not helped by the age gap and the fact they are boy/girl and into very different things.

My greatest wish is that they develop a close relationship into adulthood, as that's something I really value with my own sister. However I agree with previous posters that this is by no means a given. DH is one of four and none of his siblings are close to each other they are dysfunctional.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

I must say my 3.5 year gap seems absolutely enormous - so big that the older 2 never fight or squabble with the younger one and very much baby, protect and spoil him. My 2 with a 24 month gap bicker but also play together and hang out together, both just the two of them and in a bigger group of village kids, and have a lot of the same interests despite being g/b...

The older 2 play with the youngest in a totally different way to the way they play together, they are very much being good older siblings and catering to him when they play with the 5 year old, but they are simply peers and friends when they play together. DC1 & 2 would never be mean to DC3 because to them he is "little" and they are not mean to "little" kids, but squabbling between themselves is fine because they are equals :o The fact DC2 and 3 are both boys is far less relevant than the size of the age gap I think as DC1 and 2 with the smaller gap are so much more on the same level.

I am always surprised that kids with a 3.5 year or bigger gap bicker because mine seem to be too far apart to bicker... I am forever having to tell poor DC3 he is too little to do xyz that "the big kids" do (the main one being play out without me) though finally at age 5 he is getting to the age where the gap is shrinking a bit and he can do more of the things they can, it seems to have taken an eternity longer for the gap to "shrink" with a 3.5 year gap than a 24 month gap... (I suppose technically it has probably taken a year and a half longer :o )

I know there will eventually come a time when 3.5 years isn't a big gap (and een later a time when 5.5 years isn't) but I suspect it might not be til they are young adults! If I could do it again and be totally in control of all factors I'd have had DC3 18 to 24 months earlier! :o

[Bisghetti]

We have a 4.5 year gap. Best thing is seeing our older ds be a big brother. The moment he walked into my room on the postnatal ward and squealed 'is that him? Is that my little brother?' with such joy and excitement in his voice was one of the happiest moments of my life. Such simple joy and instant love. I never expected to be so thrilled by seeing them together...I hadn't even thought about it. The little one (1 year old now) adores his big brother and will be entertained by him when all else fails. He copies him, laughs at him, crawls after him. It's also been much easier than having a first baby...none of the adjustment to parenthood. Ds is old enough to understand I can't always come to him straight away and he's now at school so I have 1 on 1 time with the little one. The worst bit is having less time to do stuff for me, the juggle of two if dh is out (or if I'm out, for dh) and fitting in naps around the school run. Also, I no longer just pop out for milk etc with both kids. Just too hard. Overall, for me, it's been amazing. Life was easier before ds2 but not better.

[looki]

Two year gap (almost four and two).

I wish I had stuck with one child. I wouldn't choose between them but there are so many reasons I wish I had stayed at one. Emotionally, guilt, time, financial - I could have given one child so much more than I can give two. I could give DH more time, have some time for myself. (selfish reason).

I had a second child so my eldest would have a sibling rather than fulfilling any need of my own. But there is no guarantee they will have any sort of relationship/live in the same country when adults. I feel I should have realised I could culture friendships and offer more by way of opportunities to one child instead of thinking two was the answer.

I seem to be the only one who thinks like this so definitely in the minority.

[BasinHaircut]

looki the reasons you give above are the reasons we thought we would probably stick at one, but now I'm having a change of heart.

I hear you though.

[maggiethemagpie]

I love having 2, and very very nearly couldn't have a second due to health reasons so I do feel blessed. I have a boy of 5 and a girl of 2.5. The early days were tough, as DS would hit/push/be rough with the baby as a form of entertainment I think but now he is quite gentle with her and they play together a lot.

I like the idea that there's 2 of us and 2 of them. Feels more balanced! People often say they want a second to give their first a playmate, and I've found this to be true.

It does depend on the age gap though. I think much more than 3 years and they won't be able to play together to the same extent. More than 5 years and they will be at such different stages and interests that they won't really be playing together although they'll interact in a completely different way.

[looki]

Basin two is a gamechanger. With one child and two adults, you have your own time 50% of the time. DH and I used argue over who got to put our eldest to bed, who got to sit with her and read her stories and who got to spend Saturday afternoon with her.

Once the second came along, I am never on my own. Instead of spending nice quality time with one, I spend my time mainly doing the necessary rather than the fun stuff.

Sure we all go out and spend a couple of hours in the park together but for the main part, life with two is mundane and drudgery. Having to do something twice takes all the fun out of doing something once or not at all.

I spend a lot of time cleaning up, tidying,washing endless amounts of clothes and mainly being a referee. Our second child is 'strong willed'. Maybe if more like our first, things would be easier but if anything, our second child has turned our first from a very easygoing content little girl to an unhappy one.

I worry a lot about the financial side of things. With one, we could offer so much. Now its halved as our second will have to rightly get the same which essentially means halving what one could get.

I am tired pretty much all the time. Our second child constantly wakes our eldest. If I am exhausted and feel like napping when the youngest naps, I can't as the eldest is awake and needs to be entertained. The eldest stays up far too late so we get to spend a bit of time with her on her own. The guilt of not having one to one time with both of them equally is overwhelming. All of this is just a fraction of it. If somebody had told me all of this before having a second, I wouldn't have believed them. DH is a great Dad and husband but I worry about what would happen if I was alone with two children. The practicalities of it, the expense of putting two through school and universities and helping with a deposit for their first houses etc.

I met a friend of mine recently who was filling me in on another friend's life and she described the friend's life (a mum of three) as one of hardship. I thought it was an extreme description but I understood what she meant.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Everything looki says rings a bell with me, as a mum of 3.

2 or 3 little ones is very very hard - but you forget. Mine are 14, 11 and 8 now, and it's so different. We can leave the house relatively easily, holidays don't involve pushchairs, nappies, special food. They all feed, dress and generally look after themselves. They're all vaguely responsible. We don't need to constantly supervise or run around after them.

I have a very easy teen though, so far.... hope I'm not speaking too soon! I'm wondering if this is the golden 'peak' of parenting, and we'll hit a hard spot when they're all teens

[looki]

Just to reply to Under, I also think that the ages of my children may still be quite hard. My youngest is just two and everybody tells me it will get easier as they get older or at least until they hit their teens. But that makes me feel quite sad.

It is the equivalent of wishing their youngest years away. I wanted to enjoy every developmental change with them, not live in hope that things will get easier and better.

When I had my first baby, I adored sitting with her, reading all the books I could lay my hands on about how to stimulate her and aid her development. I spent a couple of evenings a week batch cooking so she would always have a variety of healthy food. Now I stick the tv on far more than I should to try and cook something healthy for them. I can't really batch cook as there isn't enough room in the freezer, what one eats the other won't eat!

An incredible amount of the enjoyment of just being a mum devoted to spending as much time having fun with my child disappeared when my only child became a sibling.

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

Mine are 6 and 4 and, so far, the worst part is the very early part - the part that has now been over for years. It can be physically gruelling dealing with two very dependent small people - all the nappies, potties, push chairs, breastfeeding, dinky-food-preparing, scream-managing, nap-settling, guiding around play equipment they aren't really mature enough for - all that stuff you have to do with your arms, and legs, and back, you have to do it for two at the same time.

Once that is over it's lovely. they have a really lovely friendship and they have a whole shared world of imaginary play and bizarre conversation which is brilliant and hilarious. Taking them places is fun because they have each other for confidence so find it easier to get involved in things. They are generally less demanding I think, as they have each other; or at least they need me in ways I am much more relaxed and comfortable with than all that standing about near climbing frames, and clinging to skirts at parties. They need me as their mum, not as a constant physical presence.

If you both work, 2 x pre-school childcare is a financial killer, but it's short term as one of them will eventually go to school. you may dodge that completely with a different age gap.

It disappointed me that I was so clueless when dd2 was a newborn as I had thought I ought to be a bit more proficient having had one already (I had barely held a newborn before I had dd1). But other than basic baby stuff you can learn from a book, all newborns are different, and they all need to learn to eat and sleep from scratch, and you have to learn to help the new one learn in her way. Together you work things out though.

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

looki, I am sorry you are finding it so hard.

I was a mess with just one though, maybe that is the difference? I hated the baby years a lot of the time - the exhaustion, the penny pinching while on mat leave or paying childcare, the messiness, the constant laundry, the feeling of being always strung out - and I wasn't out of the woods with that with one, before the second one came.

[PrimalLass]

You can't rule out the fact that they might have a terrible relationship. My children only get on 10% of the time.

[nooka]

My second was an accident so we didn't do any of the planning for her really. While having her quite so soon after ds was a shock (16mth gap, so ds was really just a baby when I got pregnant) in some ways I'm glad that things were out of our hands.

The hardest thing for us was having two very young children when neither dh or I like babies very much. The first two years after dd was born were really hard and almost killed our relationship. Very very full on and no time to adjust and spend time just the two of us.

After that it's been great, but that's mostly because they really really get on. Very little sibling rivalry and lots of common interests until fairly recently (they are now 16 and 15). They really look out for each other and on the whole we have a lot of fun.

They tell me that they are quite unusual in liking each other though, most siblings they know don't seem to get on at all.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es]

You can't tell how it will work out longer term, mine were the best of friends till they were about 8 and 6 but now at 12 and 10 there is an awful lot of bickering and they are both very demanding of attention again for homework and hobbies now rather than feeding and dressing. In between they are lovely and do get on well, but the bickering is quite wearing. We both get plenty of free time without them though as they are more independent and one parent regularly takes care of both children for spells at weekends and evenings to free the other one up for hobbies etc.

[Sunbeam1112]

I think it depends on their age. My 7 year old is fairly independant than my 2 year old and likes to help so it wasnt as hard. Think our worlds going to get turned upside down when our 3rd bundle of joy arrives. Baby and a toddler going tp be hardwork x

[Xmasbaby11]

Looki my girls are a similar age, just turned 2 and 4, and I have found it harder than other people I think. Dd1 is very demanding and attention seeking so maternity leave was absolutely exhausting. She stopped napping well before the age of 2 and wanted constant stimulation.

You can't give as much individual attention once you have 2dc especially if the age gap is small - they are both needy. As others have said, with one we were able to do lots more with dd. Now financially we'reso stretched we can't eg afford swimming lessons for the kids and I don't have much disposable income to go out and see friends.

But would I do anything differently? No. The Dds are so cute together and are into the same things so the age gap seems like nothing. Also it took 9 months to conceive dd1 and I was 35. I did consider a bigger gap for financial reasons but I didn't know how long it'd take. We conceived the second month with dd2 and we're so lucky.

I think you need to have a baby for you and not think about providing a sibling. You're the one looking after the baby, you're the one making sacrifices.

If it helps, the excitement of being pregnant and having a baby was just the sand with the second. It is just as exciting watching her develop.

[SerenityReynolds]

We have a 3 year old DD1 and a 9 week old DD2.

Hardest things are feeling like I am not giving either of them enough attention and getting out with the 3 year old around baby feeding. Also getting almost no down-time for me, but I know that is relatively temporary. It is really tiring - and DD2 is a fairly good sleeper!

Best things are seeing my oldest look for her sister first thing in the morning and do "This little piggy" on her toes. And seeing DD2 smile at DD1 when she's not almost being squished by her Seeing how they'll hopefully be with each other as they get older. Having DD2 has also made me appreciate how quickly the time passes and how I do need to try to savour every stage, as they pass in a flash! I'm also enjoying mat leave much more this time. DD1 is good company so it's not as dull as it was the first time and I am a lot more laid back and confident as a parent.

[BrownAjah]

I always said one child is hard because the baby is hard, i.e. you don't know what you're doing. Second baby is hard on your relationship. You generally know what's coming but there's less time and the workload of toddler/small child and newborn can feel hard. Our kids are rubbish sleepers so that was very tough.

Our eldest two have a fab relationship though. Yes, they bicker but they really do stick together for the most part. I can only hope that will continue into adulthood.

We can't have found it that hard though because we had a third one!

[KeyserSophie]

I've got a 20 month gap, but feels like less because they're in consecutive school years (Ds there now, DD starts September) so they're into the same things in many ways. I think 2 is easier than 1 after the initial 2 under 3 hellishness as they do entertain one another quite a lot. It's annoying when I'm trying to do (e,g) reading with one and the other one keeps chipping in, but generally it works well. We live in a big condo development with about 500 other kids (i'm not kidding) so that helps as when they're bored of each other they';ve got alternatives.

I short, I'm glad we had another, but definitely no more now.

[juneau]

Go for it! A lot of the replies on this thread are from people with toddler + baby, which can be hard, but you're not going to have that because the age gap will be bigger. I have two with a 3.5yr gap and for the most part its been absolutely great and now that they're 8 and 4.5 its fab. The baby/toddler stage is hard for many people, but you get through it and out the other side and then you have two DC who (hopefully!) entertain each other at least some of the time. Sure, one is easier to manage logistically, but IME they take a lot more entertaining, whereas two entertain each other much more. I think two is the perfect, easy number.

[looki]

I'm mixed between being in awe and complete disbelief when I read replies saying how blissful having two kids is......IMO it is nothing short of horrific. Part of me wonders if it is because I am an older mum (37 having my first child - not by choice). I had a pretty good standard of living, lots of holidays, a busy social life. Our first child fitted in, we took her, without any problems, everywhere. We considered ourselves so lucky and beamed with pride as she sat politely at restaurant tables. We tried taking our second to restaurants. But people view us very differently. It is not cute to see two kids squabbling, to eat while listening to constant demands, our second child won't sit for any length of time, throws things, has a short concentration period etc. A very different child and a more difficult one. There isn't a day that I don't wish we had decided to stick with one child.

[BasinHaircut]

looki actually I hear this a lot when people have a relatively easy first child, and the second doesn't fit in quite so easily.

By contrast DH and I have not been able to go to a restaurant with DS since he was about 18m old. He point blank refuses to sit down. He has refused the buggy from not much older, won't sit in a supermarket trolley etc etc. he was a poorly baby, we have had a few hospital admissions with pneumonia. He has asthma, had CMPI and reflux when small. He never slotted in. So all that stuff doesn't phase me.

The one thing he has always been fairly good at is sleeping. The thought of getting a non-sleeper is scary!