To sometimes wish DH's family would disappear!!!

[MrsOlaf78]

DD is 4 and has a cousin the same age - I'll call her Lily. She is DH's sister's daughter. I really thought that having a cousin the same age would be a blessing but I'm really starting to hate it! Reasons are:

1. My Sil copies everything we do. Every time we book an activity e.g. a swimming class or dancing class for DD she sneakily books Lily to do it too. We booked a birthday party for DD and they immediately booked Lily's at the same place. My Mil says we copied them because Lily's party came first!! I hate getting into these petty who copied who arguments but I'm finding it intensely irritating and feel like if we do anything we have to keep it quiet or she will copy us and it's more than copying, she really hijacks it so it becomes all about Lily. We also end up having to ferry Lily around to these activities because SIL is working and doesn't want to be doing these things on her day off, which means we constantly have to keep rearranging our plans to fit in with them, often at the last minute.

1. Mil favours Lily and is blatant about it. All she talks about is Lily. I think it's mainly because she has to look after Lily A LOT when SIL is working or going for nights out with her partner so Mil is inevitably closer to Lily but then she makes hardly any effort to see DD and then wonders why DD isn't really comfortable with her. Lily is loud and obnoxious (she's been very spoiled and indulged) and DD, who is shyer, sometimes doesn't want to play with her and be bossed around but then MIL tells my DD off. Whenever DD says or does anything mil says something like "Oh you should have heard what Lily said the other day" or "you're just like Lily!" She never just praises DD for being herself or shows any interest in her. It's sad and irritating.

1. Just on a personal level I find SIL selfish and mean to people, she was really cruel to a friend of mine and also to her own parents yet she gets away with it. It's all forgotten about and she's so popular and has everyone running round after her all the time and sometimes I wish people could see her for how she is.

I hate being like this. I'm not a mean bitter person but I know I sound like one. This is become almost a daily irritation and it causes arguments between DH and me and I just need a practical solution of how to mentally switch off from it and deal with it because they're not going to go away!

You could 'invent' stuff. Say you're taking your DD to X, then when asked to give a lift say that you changed your mind at the last minute.

Do this a few times and it may stop.

Ask the swim teacher for another swimming spot - say you've noticed that your DD comes out of her shell more when her cousin isn't there. Roll that out for the other activities. You say your DD is shy. My youngest is similar but tends to flourish when placed without relatives or friends in groups.

Arrange coffee/play dates before activities. These can be phantom dates with Gladys and her DD, Beatrix. You can roll hen out at any point you need them. If you really want to have fun, send MIL a Christmas card from Gladys et al later this year.

Ignore the favouritism. I've seen it with mine and cousins but then my DC don't actually get to see their grandparents that much than the others so it's natural. I doubt your MIL will acknowledge you but if your DH witnesses it and then pulls her up, it might be a different story as PP have suggested above.

I have no advice about the classes and copying parties thing but growing up I had a cousin like Lily! From reading this and thinking about what went on, I'm glad that I wasn't the favourite!

I was a week older than her and there was a huge difference in the fuss made over each of us from when we were first born from a particular side of the family. Lily was my dad's brother's daughter. Even our first Christmas, my aunt and uncle got "Baby's First Christmas" cards and gifts, my parents didn't. I was always there to hear nan telling my mum and dad about how great my Lily was, how well she was doing in school, how good she was at dancing even though I went to classes and she didn't, how pretty she was and how everything she did was perfect. My mum and dad never seemed bothered by it and I wasn't really.

I remember after one parents evening, I was maybe about seven or eight, nan bought Lily a new toy because she'd been given a glowing report. In the car on the way home I asked if mine wasn't as good as hers and my mum said it was a brilliant report and they were so proud of me. I asked why my nan wasn't and my dad turned the car around and drive back telling me to stay in the car with mum. We didn't see nan or my aunt or uncle or Lily for about a year after that. I've never asked but I think me noticing the blatant favouritism got to dad and he went and had it out with her.

Even after this Lily was still the favourite. Her 18th, 21st huge family affairs. My aunt asked my mum to change the date of my 18th party because they were going to book something the next week and didn't want relatives travelling to have to do it twice!! I hardly go to my nan's now because I don't think she's a very nice person, but there has only ever been one photograph of me in her house.

I always got all the praise, attention and love I needed from my own parents and never wanted it from anyone else. I was never jealous of Lily but as I got older I started to feel sorry for her. She was under so much pressure at times, she failed exams and had a bit of a 'rebel' period when we were in our early 20's. I see her every now and then. She is very up herself and entitled and treats her current boyfriend like crap. No doubt he'll follow the others and get sick of her and dump her.

Op in the nicest way, you need to stop this situation.
only you can do it. #

your dh cant, the grandparents cant.

If I were you I would simply give your dd a whole new routine and separate the two dc for these activities.

If you dont want to cancel them, then the situation may not be as upsetting as you think.

dc survive without classes, and I am sure there is other stuff to do.

Simply stop the classes, do it abpruplty and when asked " oh, dd wasn't that keen on it anymore" casually.

if asked about what doing now, be casual, vague, not sure. and book your stuff.

start to be busy re lifts.

stop allowing the grandma to speak in such a way in front of your daughter.

its disprectful to your dd thankfully she cant understand now, but your her parent, are you going to let this carry on when she can understand?

there is no way I would subject any child to such blatant favoritism.

you either make her aware of it - ( she may not realise) or you withdraw child from such regular contact.

You can do this op.

You dont have to make a song and dance about it - I have changed my own dc activities very frequently, some classes crap, some she doesn't like etc . Its not un common and the easiet way to start taking charge of the situation. good luck.

I can understand why this is annoying you, but you sound very enmeshed with DH family.

Why are you giving them all this information about what your plans are? Why are you seeing them all so often?

Take a huge step back. Change your DDs class to another and don't tell them. When she asks for a lift just say oh, we aren't doing that any more, but don't tell them about your new class.

Stop ferrying Lily around. Just do as much different stuff as you can - and as PP have said - sorry, you aren't going directly to, from x place, you have other plans.

If DH kicks up, he can look after Lily can't he?

You don't have to do any of this, you have just been conditioned to accept it.

I know this isn't mentioned in your OP but does your daughter start school in September? If she is going to the same school as Lily it may be worth asking if they can be in separate classes.

"We also end up having to ferry Lily around to these activities because SIL is working and doesn't want to be doing these things on her day off, which means we constantly have to keep rearranging our plans to fit in with them, often at the last minute. "
I'm glad to hear that they impose on you 'at the last minute' because that's the easiest to circumvent. As has already been suggested, switch your phones off and claim the battery went/poor reception. If they still manage to get you, you're on the other side of town visiting a friend, can't make it to theirs and back to the activity in time, sorry you'll need to fuck off get a taxi.

And yes, I probably would ask SIL why she signs her daughter up to activities she has no intention of taking her to, but I am up for a bunfiight sometimes; plus I don't think I'd care if these people got in a huff with me. Sod them one and all.

What does your DH think of all of this. My DH is far from perfect (as some of my threads show) but he would not let his Kim have a go at my like that re the party

His mum, not his Kim