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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who pick and choose when to say hell

23 replies

kissmethere · 29/01/2016 11:49

For a long time now I see the same people around my area who I exchange a mutual "hello" "hi how are you?" to.
Then there are the ones who have decided they no longer want to say hello and have actually looked past me, I'm not imaginings it.
So I decide "f**k it I'm not bothering any more" and save myself the embarrassment of the blank and no longer being polite. I look past them.
Since I've made this decision these few are now making an effort to say hello!! One in particular who's child used to be close friends with my eldest and has ignored me for a while now, is full of good mornings and hellos like its on tap. I really can't be arsed with them any more and for the life of me do not know why they were so rude in the first place. Even when I've felt like crap even just a "hi" seems normal. I feel like they maybe don't like how it feels and are trying to turn it back.
AIBU to stick to my decision? As far as I see it, as petty as it is, you've decided to not bother with me and now you're choosing to remember you know me.

OP posts:
Original poster
kissmethere · 29/01/2016 11:50

Oops, that should be "say hello" not "hell"

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 29/01/2016 11:54

Yes it is very rude! It costs nothing to say "Hi" and smile when someone has bothered to acknowledge you and greet you in the first place.

On the other hand, do you want to sink to their level now that they have, hopefully, realised how rude they were in the first place and are actually making an effort to be polite? Be the bigger person! Grin

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2016 11:58

Who knew these things could be so complicated?! Grin

Sometimes people have other things on their minds and they don't feel particularly sociable. Other times they may feel differently.

I nod and smile at everyone but if sometimes I get nothing back, I don't let it change my behaviour.

Oysterbabe · 29/01/2016 11:58

When someone purposely avoids my eye I always make sure I say hello really loudly and force them to acknowledge me.

Trills · 29/01/2016 12:00

Do you talk to them in any other contexts?

The time that they blanked you - are you sure they even noticed you? Could they have been deep in thought?

I can't imagine anyone deliberately ignoring a "hello" one day, then volunteering a "hello" the next day.

RatherBeRiding · 29/01/2016 12:02

Good point about the not noticing you actually - I have been accused of blanking people when I genuinely didn't know they had passed me! If I am lost in thought I sometimes am completely unaware of what is going on around me, so maybe you could give them the benefit of the doubt.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 29/01/2016 12:03

I'm guilty of being one of those people. Blush

My issue is that I worry that the other person is thinking "why the fuck is that nobody saying hello to me?" Or I worry that they don't recognise me. So I'm scared to carry on with the saying hello thing in case they're getting annoyed or pissed off that I'm speaking to them.

I know deep down that this is my self-esteem and anxiety issues and nothing to do with the other person, but I honestly really fret over it so it's easier to pretend I haven't seen someone. or run away blushing

wigglesrock · 29/01/2016 12:04

I think you're overthinking it a bit - for various reasons I wasn't the most sociable being last year, I'm sure I missed a few hellos. I probably say hello a bit more now. You're making the whole thing sound a bit fraught.

Original poster
kissmethere · 29/01/2016 12:05

Ha ha yes it is absolutely ridiculous!
I think what done it for me was one person in particular did it and I wS with my young son Sad
He was really shocked and I thought "fuck this shit" that is the last time. Really pathetic.
I don't know if it's snobbery or they were not in the mood ( I wasn't stopping for conversation ) but it was so obvious and no reason that I can think of, really cannot think of anything!

OP posts:
ShelaghTurner · 29/01/2016 12:05

I'm going to out myself here if this person recognises this but she fucking well should so I don't care.

My children go to the same school as their cousins (brother's children). This means that I see my SIL twice a day every day. I should stress that I have my own set of friends at the school and look forward to a bit of a catch up in the mornings with them, and if I'm not with my particular friends then it's because I want to dump DD1 and go. So there is NO question that I will cling onto SIL, hang round her, stop her talking to her friends or generally make a nuisance of myself. Just to clarify that.

5% of the time she'll say hello or stop for a quick chat. 90% of the time she walks straight past me like I don't exist - she absolutely has seen me, no doubting that. And every so often, like yesterday, she throws me pure evils that make even DD1 (8) look at me in horror.

Now, am I expecting too much or is blatantly ignoring someone that you've been fucking related to for 15 years (and generally get on well with) fucking rude??

Original poster
kissmethere · 29/01/2016 12:10

Sorry not dismissing that there could be a genuine anxiety about it or they're lost in thought, I've been there too, it's been obvious. I'm not begging for hellos, it's the way they now go for the big hello lol.
It's been happening for a while. I wondered if it was people judging me on who they see me with, but I talk to everyone! I don't care if it's the posh woman upstairs or the loudmouths from the basement.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/01/2016 12:10

When someone purposely avoids my eye I always make sure I say hello really loudly and force them to acknowledge me.

But how would you feel if they were holding back tears for example, because they've just had awful news/they're unwell/walked out after a huge row at home?

ShelaghTurner · 29/01/2016 12:10

Sorry, totally hijacked your OP but I'm so cross about this woman! Blush

Some people are just downright rude and at 44 now I've given up bothering with them. Life is too short. Except when you're related to them... Angry

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 29/01/2016 12:11

There's a lot of angst over a simple hello.

I say hello to people on the school run but I'm not really bothered if they don't say hello back.

If I am rushing or particularly stressed I kind of zone out and my aim is to just get to school - I'm sure I've missed a few hellos, but there is nothing malicious behind it. I assume others work in a similar way to myself - that's why there is no reason to build it up into a thing.

Original poster
kissmethere · 29/01/2016 12:22

When my youngest started school we had an open morning for them to see the room and play etc. one of the teachers, who I've known a long time, decided to really open up to me about a lot of problems she was having, really personal stuff. If anyone tells me anything in confidence I keep it to myself. I think she must have had an afterthought and realised as my child would be in her class for the whole year maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have shared so much with a parent. I never told anyone and she backed off big time. Would walk past me and I thought that was so odd.

OP posts:
hmcAsWas · 29/01/2016 12:23

I've been known not to say 'hello' to people I know. It's not deliberate, I am pre-occupied and whilst I might appear to have seen them, actually I have looked straight through them, didn't realise who they were because I am lost in my thoughts. My friends laugh about this.

So, people can be like this not because they are moody etc but because they are an intense sort of person

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/01/2016 12:41

I know exactly what you mean. People acknowledging you when they feel like, and the ones who actually think they're doing you a favour by saying Hi.

BlueJug · 29/01/2016 12:56

As Worra said - "who knew these things could be so complicated?"

I say hello sometimes, at the school gates, in the street, at work, wherever. Sometimes I say "how are you?" or they do and sometimes we chat. Sometimes I am thinking/busy/rushing/ in conversation with someone else/on the phone and I don't say hello to anyone but will smile/ nod if I catch their eye. Why make enemies when there is no need?

I wouldn't worry - just get on with your life and say "hi" if they greet you or you are in the same group.

Original poster
kissmethere · 29/01/2016 12:59

Yea it made me feel like I sound desperate for acknowledgements. I was at a party at a friends and one of these people turned up. She saw me and gave me a big "hyeeee" . I had to laugh.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 29/01/2016 13:02

I've done this, I was in an abusive relationship and my head was in a mess, so I've walked past people that I've had long conversations with.

I also wear glasses/contact lenses and my eyesight is really bad.

I'm also not great with social interaction, outside of work and the pub, so mess up a lot.

Original poster
kissmethere · 29/01/2016 13:07

I'm sorry to all of you who have been through bad experiences I don mean to sound precious or inconsiderate.
As pp said I need to be the bigger person but these particular people have got on my tits Grin

OP posts:
moosemama · 29/01/2016 13:13

I am on the other side of this I suppose. I realised the other day that, due to some health issues I'm having which make it very difficult for me to walk, think and do anything else at the same time, it's quite possible that I've been coming across as rude for ignoring people I usually at least smile/nod say hi to on the school run.

It was when a mum I've known for a few years now gave me a backwards/over the shoulder pointed, hard stare and I realised she'd crossed the crossing at the same time as me, but I'd been so lost in my struggle to make it to the school that I hadn't realised or acknowledged her. Historically we would probably have fallen into step and made small talk on the way down to the school. Unfortunately, as she'd walked on ahead, I had no chance of catching up and apologising/explaining.

The problem is, I look completely normal and healthy. There's absolutely no way anyone would know what a struggle I'm having and no-one at the school knows about my health condition, so it's quite possible others would come to the conclusion that I am just a moody, rude so-and-so.

I suppose what I'm saying is, YABU really, as there are a multitude of reasons why someone might not acknowledge you and imo, 99.9% of the time it will have absolutely nothing to do with you or any attempt at slighting you, they will just be lost in their own thoughts or dealing with something you may not know about.

feebeecat · 29/01/2016 13:13

DH gets really annoyed about this - one day someone on the school run speaks, the next they ignore him. Have told him not to take it personally - I'm one of those people. I really don't know how/why it happens, but half the time I just don't see people. Slightest distraction and I'm off in my bubble. Have walked past my own parents before now Confused
Have told him to just 'let it go', I'm sure there's no malice behind it, just sometimes people - myself included - are a bit vague.

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