What is it like being a single parent with three very young children?

[spad]

Just that. At a crossroads.

I found it easier with two on my own than when ex was with me! But he was v abusive!

Pebbles

What kind of abusive?

Oh OP you sound very low

I am really scared and frightened and lonely because I think it is actually going to have to happen.

For me, the lonely parts are definitely seeing doting daddies but I tell myself they probably aren't really.

The personal killer for me is sleep. I did all the night bits before but now I have to work as well and it sometimes feels that when daughter1 sleeps daughter2 starts crying. They sleep with me which helps and they are also very snuggly.

Have you any of you regretted becoming a single parent?

I've always been single and have 3 kids. I find it to be great and can't imagine having to involve another adult in how we live our lives but then I'm just not very good with relationships!

I do have big age gaps though - children are now 13, 8 and 1.

Downsides

• obviously you have no choice but to work full time from the get go and will get none of the SAHM experiences which I always say I wouldn't have wanted but have started to yearn for a little with my youngest.

• if you're in for the evening and kids are in bed then you're pretty much stuck unless you can persuade someone to come round and visit you.

But I've never found those things to be problems, really. I've never stopped living my life as I want to really - yes, the children's welfare comes first but, beyond that, I don't plan around them all the time; 50% of the time they fit around me. They'll be grown up and gone all too soon (was only 19 when I had DD1) and I don't want to be stuck without a social life and hobbies because I've spent 30 years raising kids on my own. I'm a little more staid and refined with DD3 but DDs 1 and 2 have travelled South America, India and Southern Africa with me. They all do activities probably too late at night (both mine and theirs), hang around at work with me till late at night and in the holiday times and I've never been averse to a teenage babysitter. I don't think children need a routine personally, just love, and can't understand the single parents who feel they have no choice but to be in every night with their children in order to meet a 6pm dinner and an 8pm bed.

Men though ... up to you but personally, I wouldn't do it. I have bad judgement calls on relationships (have never held one down in my life actually) and wouldn't be willing to risk my children's emotional well being by introducing them to a father figure and then fucking it up.

The lonliest bit for me is when the kids are in bed. I don't know anyone where I live now and that's when it hits home, but I've taken up a couple of hobbies which keep me occupied.

Doing it all alone is hard, but alongside that it is also easier to make decisions alone and nothave to consult anyone else.

Do you wantto talk about what's going on op?

You do sound very down

Sometimes I do regret it, honestly.

I haven't regretted it for even a second, but my marriage was very, very shit.

I am so impressed by all of you.

My husband and I have been going through a terrible time for as long as I can remember.

I think he is horrible to me. He says I am horrible to him. I don't think I am horrible to him. He shouts at me. He denies this.

Dreamon

What would you have done differently?

What else does he do?

My dh left just before Xmas, he was unhappy. I wasn't, I love him.
We have three young dc's, it's lonely when they do something great or funny or achieve something and there's no one to tell.
After the struggles of the day, your sat on your own.
The house work, washing etc just seems relentless and I'm always playing catch up.
I am having to reduce my hours at work, even though I'm much worse off already by dh leaving.
It's hard when the dc's are playing up, and they want daddy.
I am fucking tired

I'm not sure, spad, honestly. I think I miss the person he could be, but he did become really abusive and it sounds a bit wet to say I miss that but I do. I won't have another relationship so I do worry about growing old and lonely.

Ah, well!

For me it was really good.I had 3DC,DS6,DS4,DS11 months and I found out I was pregnant a few days after we split up.

I had been in abusive relationship so for me going from walking on egg shells all the time,trying to keep the children quiet all the time,being constantly confused and upset because of his behaviour going to a happy home and happy children,me not feeling so low because of him was a huge relief.

Money wise it was really hard for a while,I didn't get any money from him for nearly 2 years.So I had to find out about benefits and what I could get help with.By the time my 4thDC DD was 20 months I was working part time,I was also going to college part time and working with Sure Start part time as the vice chair.

I didn't have any support family wise but I did have a few friends that would help out now and again and once I started working I was able to afford a recommended baby sitter so that I could have a night out when I wanted to.
A few times a month friends would come round and have dinner with me and the children and 2-3 times a month I'd have friends come round once the children were in bed and we'd order in a take-away and watch a movie so I was never short of company really.If anything I found that I made new friends and got to see my old friends alot more than I could have when I was in the bad relationship.

For me being a single Mum was a really positive experience.I know for me if I hadn't ended the relationship when I did I wouldn't have learned the things that I have learned about myself,I probably wouldn't have gone onto have the good relationship that I have with my children now,I wouldn't have made the new friends I made,I wouldn't have gone to college or have been able to work where I worked,I wouldn't have gone onto meet my now DH and I wouldn't have had our DD8 our 5th child.

4 DC here...4 years out.
Hard work ,yes, but it was hard work trying to make an abusive marriage work
Poor, yes, but I was poor before and had no control over the money and how it was spent. Now I do,
Tired, yes, but at least if I want to sleep no-one else is preventing me by arguing and disturbing the peace. He always made a bad time worse
Lonely, yes, but nothing's as lonely as a marriage where you are unloved.
and all the good times, all the small achievements, all the progress...that is mine and mine alone.

I wouldn't have planned it or wanted it but given what I had I would still choose it.

hard - very hard at times BUT it gets easier and I found it much better when it was just me and I didn't have ex to let me down and fuck things up

Mine where 8mths, just 5 (he left the day after her 5th Birthday) and 6 - they are now 7, 11 and 13 - it's lovely now - still hard but it's nicer than being married to an emotionally abusive, shouty, adulterous twat

You are all amazing.

I am going to go through to the living room and see what progress I can make.

I don't think I have the same courage as all of you.

My marriage was utterly shit and I ended it when I had 3 DC under 4. It was hard but the overwhelming relief to get rid of the dead weight carried me through.

Plus I'm really glad I ended it when the children were young. They bounced back pretty quickly.

Good luck.

single parent to two, both with additional needs. yes it is tough. but better than being in an abusive marriage. I worried about all sorts of weird things when we split up. it all worked out in the end. though I was fantasising about there being a bin fairy earlier

spad...none of us felt brave or strong, I still don't . Sometimes it is enough just to put one foot in front of the other and trust that you can make it.

certainly there have been days when I haven't "coped", definitely there have been days when I haven't been the best person/mother that I could be. I would be a better mother with a supportive loving partner...but I didn't have one of those... so I do the best I can with what I've got.
And the DC are better off for it, so am I.