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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to remind my H every day that I have bad morning sickness

46 replies

FFShowmanytimes · 27/01/2016 12:06

I am 10 weeks pregnant and really suffering from morning sickness. Not hyperemesis level, but still pretty bad. I find getting out of bed in the morning without vomiting almost completely impossible. Doesn't help that DC are crying and needing things from very early.

H wakes up, gets up, goes downstairs and makes himself breakfast and then gets on with his day. He hears me vomiting upstairs, he hears the DC yelling and crying and fighting for me and he does nothing.

I end up shouting down the stairs every morning that I am ill and I need help. And he says "oh yeah" and reluctantly comes up and deals with the DC and then goes into a funk with me that he's had to "do everything." Every morning. He doesn't DO everything, of course, he just has to be pulled out of his own stuff, to come and help with what he should see as OUR stuff.

AIBU to expect that when we wake up he asks me how I'm feeling? If I need anything before he disappears?

Is it so ingrained into the minds of some men that morning sickness is women's business or a woman's thing that they can harden themselves to it and pretend it isn't happening?

I feel like an idiot pointing it out all the time. Every time I say it, every time I repeat it - "I am throwing up and the kids are crying - please help me" it loses its power. Because I say it EVERY morning.

OP posts:

slebmum1 · 27/01/2016 13:11

Not 'some men' but our DH - he sounds like a prat.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/01/2016 13:13

Erm - I'm very sorry to say this but I'd be having a very urgent and very serious chat with him as how much he actually wants a 3rd child because he is showing no fucking signs of it.

waitingforsomething · 27/01/2016 13:19

I am astounded that he leaves your crying, fighting children while you are being sick to get his own breakfast. This is mad. There is no excuse for this. YABU to have to tell him every day. Have the conversation once, along the lines of 'DH, I am being sick every morning because I am pregnant with your baby. We will have to shake up the routine a bit while this is the case and you need to see to the children first thing in the morning. I will of course help when I am feeling fine. Thanks.'

KingLooieCatz · 27/01/2016 13:22

He didn't marry your mother, or his own, so he can put their views to the side.

Apart from anything else, they may not have had morning sickness like yours, and if they did, the fact that their husbands were no unsupportive does not make it okay for him to be so.

Hope I raise my son to be a better husband than my own. He's doing well so far!

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/01/2016 13:22

Couldn't you just go down stairs and vomit over his breakfast. Or tell the children to go see daddy.
I sympathise my all day sickness lasted 5 months and I lost so much weight. Didn't know there was things you could take for it. Dr just told me it would pass.

NotdeadyetBOING · 27/01/2016 13:23

Oh OP, I so feel for you. Horrendous morning sickness is one of the worst things ever, so to have your DH being selfish and inconsiderate on top of it must be just dreadful. Huge sympathy from me. I agree with other posters that you need to talk to him, but if you are feeling really awful then you may not feel up to that sort of a conversation/confrontation. The wording above in waitingfors's post is good. Clear and unapologetic, but not going nuclear (which I can see no point in at this stage).

MerryMarigold · 27/01/2016 13:24

I deal with the DC in the morning, and he deals with them at other set times that I give him.

Give him mornings for the next year, even if you get better. Then you won't need to keep asking and it will help when you have a newborn as well.

Ipsos · 27/01/2016 13:26

I had something like this after ds weaned and dh took three months unpaid leave from work so I could rest while he looked after ds. I think your bloke needs a few hints on how to behave.

dobbythedoggy · 27/01/2016 13:30

It took dh two weeks to realise that he needed to take over dd duties when my head was firmly in thr toilet. He usually gone weekdays and weekends we would usually take turns to get up with her although I would usually get up for a short time both mornings and atleast walk down stairs with her as I had to take meds at the time. When he wasn't there I did just have to cope and try to keep dd occupided in the bathroom. If it hadn't clicked on that fourth morning he needed to take dd down and sort her out despite the fact she wanted me I may well have murdered him, seeing as sickness never really wore off.

His also had to get used to dealing with her in the middle of the night, despite the fact I would normally have done that, thinking about what she's going to have for tea before leaving for his evening shift. Spent a great deal of time doing 100% of childcare when he was home and all the housework when I was too ill/exhausted to do it. Most importantly he had to learn to dismiss the attitude that he was doing my job that he was brought up with and has firmly settled into the my house, my child, equally my responsablity, which when your patner is incompasitated means everything.

BabyGanoush · 27/01/2016 13:34

He sounds deliberately unhelpful.

I cannot for the life of me understand all these type of threads, where men are clearly crap partners/dads, yet women then go on to have more babies with them. A second. then a third. Then, when it has been established the partner is indeed a selfish bastard...they have baby number 4. WHY?!

Is everyone waiting for some kind of miracle?!

I am sorry to rant a bit OP, but these threads on MN make me want to cream: PLEASE STOP HAVING BABIES WITH WANKERS< LADIES!

That is not specifically to poor OP who has a wanker DP and is poorly as well, but why do women do it? Just why?

OP, I hope it is a blip and your DP is actually lovely and it's all big misunderstanding somehow.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2016 13:53

He's just not stepping up to the mark is he. How do you solve this. Just yell. lay the law down threaten to leave. But if he isn't very helpful at this stage of the game it's very doubtful if he'll ever be Mr Attentive. There isn't a magic wand to change people I'm afraid.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/01/2016 14:03

His behaviour would be completely out of line even if you weren't sick.

As it is he is treating you like a machine.

Men who treat women as appliances are bad, defective men.

I would ask him to leave.

KingLooieCatz · 27/01/2016 14:09

BabyGanoush - This is part, but not all, of the reason we only have one child. I have only admitted this to a few people. I couldn't have taken it if he had stood back again to let me get on with it.

BabyGanoush · 27/01/2016 19:07

Kingl, we stopped at 2

Maybe I just feel jealous of people blithely having 3 or 4

Our relationship was not good enough at the time to risk it

petalsandstars · 27/01/2016 19:18

First pregnancy DH did loads - second he behaved similarly to the OPs to the point where despite telling him repeatedly he still didn't step up. I came very close to separation and it has taken 3 years to get back on track.
Also the reason there is no third child. I don't trust him not to do it again.

megletthesecond · 27/01/2016 19:22

He's being a twat. I had one of them once and I LTB (well, kicked him out) when dc2 was 4 months . No matter how much I asked or told him he needed to step up he would huff and get arsey, it simply wasn't worth the hassle in the end.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 27/01/2016 19:31

Has he always been such a giant thundercunt?

FlowersAndShit · 27/01/2016 19:33

Ganoush Because having a baby makes everything better

Pilgit · 27/01/2016 19:49

The conversation I have with my DH is to very calmly point out that this kind of behaviour makes me lose respect for him. The loss of respect leads to the death of love and certainly the end of sexual relations. Act like a responsible adult and shape up or he'll have no one to blame but himself for the death of our marriage.

It is always delivered in a calm manner and I haven't had to for a long time as he got his shit together because he wasn't really a selfish twat and would never have done what the OPs DH is doing as he has compassion.

fiddleronthefoof · 27/01/2016 19:58

Who can listen to the person they supposedly love, suffering, and not help them

This is the crux of it

Vespar7 · 28/01/2016 09:15

I have been in a similar situation. After DC2 I realised that in addition to awful sickness I was verging on depression. Once I really explained how I was feeling and the reason I was basically ignoring him he found it much easier to understand. I'm pregnant again and this time he's been much better. I also have no qualms about saying to him at the weekend that I feel awful and will not be getting out of bed. My DH is normally great but morning sickness doesn't bring out the best in him. I think you need to make it clear to him how bad you are feeling and what you expect. Good luck!

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