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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you would send your child to a school you had a bad experience at

48 replies

catsonlaps · 27/01/2016 07:00

Daft, I know. For one thing, I'm 35, and child hasn't even been born yet Grin But this is more hypothetical than literal so stay with me.

Secondary school was horrific for me and without wanting to exaggerate or be dramatic, I do think it pretty much ruined (or was a major contributer anyway; I tend to think things happen in combinations) any chance of me ever having a happy and fulfilled relationship.

I liked some the teachers and they liked me, and I did always have friends there but the bullying was terrible. It is, and always has been, a slightly run down comp in a slightly run down part of town.

This school is one of several in the area a child who grew up here could feasibly go to - we straddle a couple of counties and LAs.

WIBU to hypothetically NOT send a child to that school, even though it's the best one - one is a church academy in special measures and one is a similar comp in RI. My old comp is 'good.' But no way could I face sending my child there ...

OP posts:
OneInEight · 27/01/2016 07:05

You do realise there will be a complete change of staff by the time your hypothetical child gets there let alone new management. It may be in the same buildings but it won't be the same school.

Original poster
catsonlaps · 27/01/2016 07:07

Most of the staff were nice. It's more the other children I'd have serious concerns about.

OP posts:
Katenka · 27/01/2016 07:22

But the children are all different too.

The staff are different. So bullying maybe handled really well.

My dd was bullied terribly at was classed as an amazing school. Lots of people fought to get their kids in. But the would acknowledge bullying happened. I moved her to another very good school, that was completely different.

Unfortunately her bully was removed from the old school and turned up in her new school 6 months after she left.

The new school handled it brilliantly.

Yabu to judge a school based only on your experience years ago.

I went a fantastic secondary. It's rubbish now.

If you really think your bullying was that bad you can't form happy relationships and you are worrying about this before the baby is born, you may need to counselling or help.

Just because you send your child to a different school it doesn't mean she won't be bullied or that she will enjoy it. Just as there is no certainty that she would be bullied if she went to you old school.

We also live strangling two areas. It's can cause problems all of its own. You may not have as much choice as you think.

Especially in 11/12 years time.

Original poster
catsonlaps · 27/01/2016 07:28

Being called a dog for five years does kind of affect how you perceive yourself, you know Wink

I think I know I wouldn't send my child to that school; I'd seriously find it too horrible even walking back in the place. The children are the sons and daughters and grandchildren and nephews and nieces of the kids who were so awful to me.

There's plenty of choice, in fact: we don't all live in London Wink

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 27/01/2016 07:35

Well it definitely sounds like you personally should not send your kids to the same school - if it's on your mind before you've even had children then it's just not worth it! Even if the place has completely changed, you'd have horrible memories everytime you went there. But I don't think there's a general rule about where to send your kids - obviously everyone makes a decision based on current circumstances.

I wonder if you've had counselling about the bullying you've experienced? I feel like this question is so remote that maybe you haven't quite processed the experience.

Original poster
catsonlaps · 27/01/2016 07:51

I think I have to be honest - I meant it more as a general sort of question than necessarily pertaining to me, but I think I've just always known I wouldn't send a child to that school. I don't find counselling particularly helpful, personally (not a knock against it, I know for some people it's life changing but it's not for me.)

OP posts:
scarlets · 27/01/2016 07:55

I would, if it were a very good school and conveniently located. You'd be in your late 40s by the time your hypothetical child began - the school system and ethos would be unrecognisable from how they were for you in the 1990s.

Nomoregrief · 27/01/2016 08:37

No I wouldn't.
I stopped sleeping once I had signed up to send my DD to a school that was just similar to the one I went too. In the end I booked an appointment to see the head and just blurted it out - " this place isn't like x school is?".
She knew my old school well (her DD went) and she listed the reasons why it was different.

I started sleeping again.

Nomoregrief · 27/01/2016 08:44

I think is depends on how bad your experience was. For years I had a knot in my stomach if I went anywhere near the school. I have never been back for an open day or to look around. I have never gone to a reunion or given any details to the alumni association. I was so unhappy there.
My nephew and niece both go there and I find that hard to deal with, even though they love it!

TheGreenTriangle · 27/01/2016 08:46

I wouldn't. But then I was so traumatised that I've left that town and generally feel sick at the thought of even visiting the county... I know it's irrational, but I would find it difficult bumping into anyone from that secondary school.

hazelnutlatte · 27/01/2016 08:50

YANBU op, I would hate to send my dd's to my old school, too many bad memories.
Fortunately I live 150 miles away from there now so it will never be an issue. I can see it being difficult if that's your nearest school and the one that might be the best for your child locally though. In that case I suppose I would have to go and have a look round and see how it's changed over the years before making any decision.

Katenka · 27/01/2016 08:51

I think I know I wouldn't send my child to that school; I'd seriously find it too horrible even walking back in the place.

I can understand that.

Also I don't live in London, I don't assume anyone lives in London. I live in Yorkshire. It's very difficult to get a school place in either area that I am on the boarder of.

School places are not only an issue in London Wink

JellyTotCat · 27/01/2016 08:51

No, if i were you I'd try and move near a good school that's not your old school. It would be stressful for you sending a child there and you'd always be worrying.

Alfieisnoisy · 27/01/2016 08:54

No I wouldn't and didn't...even though there was a 30 year gap.
Meeting a child who had been out of the school six months without that same school realising it and chasing it up reinforced my prejudices though.
Since then it has had a failing OFSTED and is currently turning itself round.

JellyTotCat · 27/01/2016 08:55

Also, the children of the bullies who are now at that school might not have been brought up with decent values.

Kitchencrayon · 27/01/2016 08:56

I went to an alternative type of school and even though I didn't have a particularly terrible time, the bullying issue is one that means I wouldn't send - and am actively not sending - my children to any similar schools, anywhere, because they all share the same ethos.

Birdsgottafly · 27/01/2016 08:56

I've found it helpful to cross paths with a few of my bully's.

This might be nasty, but I love sitting in my GP, whilst one of them does the cleaning (I'm not putting cleaners down, but this Woman had told me all of my school life that I'd never have a 'normal' life, job/relationship/children).

I look consistently and considerably better than all of them, none of them have done 'better' than I have.

I mean in all aspects, not just earning money.

I picked a school that was much better than the one I went to, but at the time my first DD attended, it was terrible, because of the staff.

If your reaction/judgement to any issues your child might have, would be clouded by being in the building and you might start projecting, then it's best to pick another school.

Nataleejah · 27/01/2016 09:06

No. Because the witches who taught me didn't retire or die yet.

mummytime · 27/01/2016 09:24

I might as schools can change a lot. I think its more of a shock if you send your child to a school that was great when you went there but is now awful.

Your groups can change the atmosphere of a place a lot.

BUT if I was likely to run into the people who had bullied me as they were now the other parents; then I definitely wouldn't.

SaucyJack · 27/01/2016 09:59

I sort of am next year.

I say sort of as the whole school has been completely re-built and re-branded by the academy group that took it over a few years ago.

It's a completely different (and infinitely better) school in all ways. Was actually quite therapeutic looking round at New Parents eve. The old buildings had a slight whiff of emotional putrefaction; the new place is a beacon of light and life.

mrtwitsglasseye · 27/01/2016 16:06

YAMBU. Similar situation but over my head body will my children go to the secondary I went to.

mrtwitsglasseye · 27/01/2016 16:07

I plan to Home Ed for secondary instead, would that be an option. None of the secondary schools round here are an environment I'd want them in.

Branleuse · 27/01/2016 16:22

Your experience of secondary school sounds similar to mine. No I wouldnt send my kids to that school. Not a chance in hell. Nor would I send them to any deprived council estate comprehensive in case its the same.

blaeberry · 27/01/2016 16:50

No I wouldn't. Actually, I couldn't anyway as it has now merged with another school on their site. Too many bad memories. It wasn't a deprived inner city school though - it was worse than that in terms of education;it was a white working class school in a coastal town (these are the schools with the worst outcomes).

FellOutOfBedTwice · 27/01/2016 16:53

I really disliked primary school for various reasons, mainly involving the weird old fashioned attitudes and other kids, although it was (and is!) and outstanding school in an affluent area. Tbh my gut feeling would be not to send DD there but I know that's ridiculous as I left 25 years ago, so I think I would put my feelings aside if it was our best bet.