At my wits end with explaining about babies

[Jennypan12]

First post. Aibu to be utterly fed up with people asking?

Dh and I have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for 2 years and are currently receiving fertility treatment. All issues are my fault.

Sick of people asking when "we'll be next" - should we just come out with it once and for all??

I haven't told family - we're v close and parents would worry. I must say, I did think it would have happened by now and I know they're so excited about grandchildren one day.

Main part of my problem - and I'm probably being over sensitive - is our friends. Another couple we lived with while at Uni. Got married recently, pg first time. Obviously delighted for them. I have told her everything. All I get is "I know it will happen for you" and "think positive", I know she means well however. We saw them last week and all her husband does is joke about how lucky my husband is that he "doesn't have to spend all his money on a baby" etc and smug little jokes about how fertile they are. They made an off the cuff comment about adoption (not related to our situation) and I could have exploded. The same old crap associated with adoption and how its the simple solution to infertility. Our situation is just ignored constantly.

Elsewhere everyone is asking me when we'll be pregnant and it's driving me insane. Aibu to think that bows the time to just come clean?

I'd say well every time we have sex we hope it'll result in a baby but as yet it hasn't....that'll shut the nosey feckers up!

I developed a rhino like exterior and told people I wasn't interested in having children (massive lie) because I couldn't deal with all the questions about when or the well meaning "well just relax and it'll happen" comments which still make me want to punch people when I hear them applied to others...

Hey, I'm sorry, it really sucks. Do you want to pop over to the infertility board where there's a range of threads from the totally fucking pissed off to the generally optimistic ends of the spectrum? And plenty of other people with jaw dropping stories of insensitivity from superfertile smug friends and relations. You'll fit right in and feel less alone I hope xx And it's really really not your fault

OP please don't think of it as being your "fault", it simply isn't true. In nature we are naturally attracted to a mate who is more or less fertile than we are so we can reproduce. In most couples there will be a more and less fertile half and that's a good thing!

I think if it's hurting you to have to make light of their comments then perhaps it is time to come clean - make it clear that you don't need checking up on too!

This really pisses me off. What business is it if anyone's what your family plans are? We are lucky enough to have one child and would desperately like another. I was really unwell, in hospital a lot during that pregnancy and became quite depressed. Our ds was 10 weeks prem, also very unwell so we are currently facing the dilemma of whether to try again (something I am terrified of but heartbroken about not doing at the same time.) The number of friends/family who say things like "isn't it time you had another one?" despite knowing how bad it was is ridiculous! I think Italian gives good advice. The only thing I would add is:
Option 4: ask them an equally rude, personal question in reply - hopefully will help them see how insensitive they are being and shut them up!

Don't know if this helps but I had a friend in your situation. She told me straight out that she was struggling to conceive and found all talk of babies and just being round children very difficult. It meant I wasn't hurt when she distanced herself a little from me when my ds was born and didn't visit for a few months. It meant I understood why she avoided nights out with the old group of friends who'd all had children and talked about nothing else . I'm so glad she explained. It just meant we could avoid hurting her unnecessarily.

(She later had twins. )

YANBU to be fed up of people asking. I suppose they all think they are the only one to ask, but they aren't!

1 in 7 couples will experience fertility problems, so if someone asks every couple without children that question they stand a good chance of upsetting quite a lot of people.

The issues aren't your "fault" at all and I hope you have better luck soon.

People who suggest adoption are often those who've never experienced fertility problems. Adoption is open to fertile couples too, so why don't they consider it themselves instead of suggesting it to you?

People do come out with some very unhelpful platitudes. "Think positive", "go on holiday", "just relax" etc. If those were cures for blocked fallopian tubes, PCOS, endometriosis, low sperm count etc. I think scientists would know!

It may be that your family members have guessed that something is wrong, but don't like to ask. They may like to have the opportunity to support you.

If you are able to say to people that you'd love to have children but it just hasn't happened yet, then hopefully they will stop dropping hints. If they continue to be insensitive and make unhelpful suggestions, you may need to take a step back from them for a while.

If you don't know anyone in real life who's had fertility problems you may need to find support elsewhere, e.g. the forum at Fertility Friends

If you feel like now's the time to start telling people, then it probably is. It really could help solve some of the difficulties that go along with your situation, and you might find you appreciate the support that people will be able to give.