To hate my woeful parenting

[Introubleagain]

I am changing name for this one. Sorry if this comes out as ranting.
I have a very severely compromised underachiever thyroid and my body is not coping. DH is in a very demanding job and works hard. Due to my condition I keep getting infections. I have been through a few antibiotics courses in the last year along with two bouts of mastitis. Two DCs and both under 4 yet. I have not recovered from my first birth. My back is not the same and the thyroid means my healing processes are awful anyway. Both DCs are very intelligent and healthy thankfully.
But I just seem to feel that I am not the bet mum they could have had. In the warmer weather, I was able to take them out, take them to children centre regularly etc. But it kept bringing my immunity to such a low level that I ended up getting all those infections. I feel my kids are missing so much that I had planned. I have activities planned for up to their school time. I had bought books about places where I could take them and ordered books and lots of material / toys to keep them enjoying every day of their lives till they went to school but her I am now. Every morning is a struggle because I have to drag myself out of the bed. DC2 's birth basically destroyed my thyroid gland apparently. GP is trying to control it. Even giving them a bath every other day is a hard struggle specially in this weather.
I am curls up in my bed right now with another mastitis and thinking how I should probably not have had them. They are with DH who came back early from job to look after them. I knew I had a controlled but wobbly thyroid issue. I am not British national but DH and DCs are. So I don't qualify for any kind of government help though I am highly qualified. Since body ain't functioning, job is hardly an option right now though DH earns enough to keep us clothed and fed.
I feel the crappiest mother right now, lying right next to a cupboard full of all the teaching material I bought for DCs. AIBU? Someone out there who has been here ?

Under active thyroid * in my last post. Sorry for the spelling error

Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't need to "keep them enjoying every day of their lives" by keeping them occupied with lots of stuff - sometimes children need to entertain themselves at home, even little ones like yours. You are ineligible for government help you say, but could you afford to hire a teenage babysitter to entertain them for a couple of hours under your supervision from 4-6pm twice a week? It'll keep them entertained and you can have a sit down.

Scarlets, thanks so much for the lovely response. Yes we have looked into this and have plans to do this eventually but right now I do not want to bring a changed into DCs routine mainly because we are planning to move the house and I fear DS1 is very attachment prone. He will terribly miss his baby sitter once he is in some kind of routine. And tbh, we are also wobbly because we are saving every penny towards the deposit of our first house hopefully soon. I again have elaborate plans for helping the DCs in getting close to nature and learn gardening with me. But again I feel like a failure there as I am not confident of my body's reliability anymore.

I think it's actually a bad idea for your kids to occupy them all the time . They do need to decompress and direct themselves at times, plus it's great for them to have time where you're not overseeing and moderating their behaviour and relationships.

It's hard when you're ill to get perspective on life, particularly when the illness prevents you from doing something you really want to do, like enrich and nourish your children the way you'd like. But as a mam who recovered well from pretty trouble free pregnancy, I can tel, you that even in the full of your health it's impossible to feel that your parenting is all you hoped it would be.

Honestly OP you sound like an amazing Mum.With the mastitis has your GP got you on any antibiotics?I got it twice the same as you once after my first DS and then again with my second DS.

Something that really helped me(my HV and midwife told me about it)was putting a a piece of savoy cabbage inside my bra against my breast.It worked and started helping within a day.There's lots on here about it
www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=savoy+cabbage+for+mastitis

Every friend that's used it so far has found it worked really well as well,so I hope it helps you.

With your immune system is your GP able to give you anything?

Abbieanders: thanks a lot for the kind words. I just wish I could do all that I planned but I think I probably made very unrealistic plans to begin with. So now I need to lower the expectations a bit and carry on from here.

ohtheholidays: that's very helpful and I will get that first thing tomorrow. Hope it helps. My GP is adjusting my dose of thyroxine right now. We are getting there but slowly and it's very exhausting sometimes. This episode has been less painful and I was able to get a grip because I now know the initial symptoms. Unfortunately my immune system is just acting crappy these days but no my GP has not recommended anything for it. I will discuss this point in my next appointment. Thanks so much for the suggestion. And thanks for calling me amazing mom too. That felt like a hug. Xxx