Dear Mumsnetters,
Long time lurker but first time posting. I want to ask for your advice about a friendship situation I have. I really need to do something about this as it’s just causing me a lot of stress and worry about it.
I have a friend – I’ll call her Sarah - I’ve known her 10 years. I would say that we became friends because she was very persistent, we live near each other and she would always text to meet up etc. We also have two mutual friends in common, one of whom I’ve known since childhood.
Sarah and I have very very different backgrounds and life experiences. She’s very privileged, didn’t work until 27, frequently went on several trips abroad every year that her parents paid for and is to all extents and purposes I think quite spoilt and pampered. When she did decide to work, her dad got her a job in the city, mainly through contacts and helping her write her applications. She hates it, frequently complains to me about it but loves the prestige that comes with saying she’s X and works in Y. In actual fact she’d rather do something arty or creative but doesn’t want to take the drop in income or the risk of persevering in a field where nothing’s guaranteed.
I’ve had a very different background, brought up on the dole, went to Oxbridge and have to support myself and my mum now. There’s no real chance I’ll ever own my own home and I decided to pursue a profession that is unstable and doesn’t pay particularly well unless you strike lucky/make it big. Fine, it was my choice and I’m happy with it.
However in the last few years I’ve really struggled to enjoy meeting Sarah. On the one hand she is nice, we have fun and we do have lots of things in common, similar interests etc. But on the other, I’m often left feeling like she is just incredibly out of touch and narrow minded about people who have not had the same opportunities, support and privilege that she’s had. She likes to think of herself as compassionate and ‘liberal’ but will make really condescending comments about people on welfare or people who have struggled to not fulfil their potential in life – quite forgetting that despite a well paid job her dad still pays for a mobile phone bill, she herself didn’t bother working because she didn’t have to and she’s got a ready to hand deposit to buy a flat in one of the most expensive areas of London.
These comments have really started to grate on me. I once tried to have a reasonable conversation with her about how life chances are determined by a lot of things out of people’s control and that maybe some understanding about how she herself was where she was due in large part to the help and access to opportunities she’d had compared to others but she went on this spiel about how high taxes didn’t help people on low incomes and that since I had done really well for myself despite my background, I should resent paying taxes to help others who hadn’t/wouldn’t succeed. What particularly played on my mind was that she referenced a friend’s boyfriend who is not very privileged but had gone to a good university and who she said wasted his opportunities since and hasn’t bothered doing anything useful. This person’s dad is terminally ill and I think struggles with getting a lot of support. She said ‘you’ve had similar struggles and done well for yourself so it’s not like he can’t get out of his situation’. I just felt this was incredibly hypocritical as she frequently gets her parents to run around her all the time and relies on them for money and support and contacts when she feels she can’t cope. I’ve realised that we have different opinions and views on the matter and that it’s pointless discussing this but it has made me more reluctant to see her.
In addition, I often get the strong sense that she’s envious now about the job I do and the industry I work in and seems to begrudge this. She once told me that she’d love to do my job but her dad thought my job was a waste of time and wouldn’t approve. I’m doing really well but I’ve pursued it with no one’s blessing (my extended family actively ridiculed me and told me I’d never make it and to get a more sensible job given my background and lack of contacts) and up until last year I worked several jobs after work and at the weekends to help with my income/keep money coming in in case I didn’t have contracts renewed etc. I am really proud of myself and what I’ve achieved and I’ve realised that every time I see her I just feel really rubbish and angry at the way she lives her life in a bubble. I think I’ve just lost all respect from her and to be honest I’d quite like to cut the relationship off or to at least have a proper break from it without things being awkward.
In the last year, I’ve barely seen her and have tried to avoid meeting up unless there are other people present. I do reply to text messages but I try to keep this to a minimum. I’ve also just really struggled with my long-term relationship disintegrating and other problems to do with my family and haven’t felt/wanted to talk or confide in her or many other people anyway. In the last few weeks, she’s repeatedly text me to see me but I’ve avoided meeting up as I’ve had important family things I’ve had to go to (bereavements etc) which I’ve told her about. Apart from sending curt messages saying she’s sorry to hear that, she’s also sent some fairly pissed off messages saying that she’ll leave it to me to make the next move and she needs an explanation to be friends the way we used to be.
Whilst I’ve made her sound horrid, in others ways she is lovely and generous and warm. But I just don’t feel like at the moment I can cope with seeing her.
AIBU to never contact her again? AIBU to not give her an explanation? I really don’t want this to affect my other friendships but I feel like it may well do that. She does have form for playing the victim and people do generally give her a lot of leeway. So part of me thinks if I stop seeing her, I’ll end up losing my other friend too.