How to stop dwelling on this friendship?

[Rebelwithoutapause]

AIBU to ask for your advice. Have NC for this because I feel silly about it.

I have/ had a friend and neighbour. Our kids go to school together and are friends. We were introduced by a mutual close friend.

We used to get on really well, invite each other to lots of playdates/ evenings out etc. We weren't friends for a terribly long time - a year or two- but I felt we got on well and had lots to talk about.

We had a couple of misunderstandings last year. One where she asked me a favour, and I couldn't help but tried to help a bit (rather than just saying no I can't, as I should have done). She misunderstood and then asked for more than I had said i was able to do again and it was a bit messy. There was then another related misunderstanding where she thought I was withdrawing an offer to help when I wasn't at all. Silly and petty and caused by texting rather than speaking.

There was then another issue between the children which perhaps foolishly we discussed. It led to a disagreement where she actually walked off in a huff (actually did this twice) because she felt I had spoken to her child rudely (on the second occasion). Unfortunately I didn't deal with this brilliantly and ended up crying when we discussed it. This was actually because I was having a bad day with DS having a fever after his jabs and getting ready to go on holiday the next day, but it all came out as a jumble of me saying I had social anxiety etc, which I do but it wasn't relevant.

Anyway, we speak quite amicably when we see each other now, and no problem as such, but I just feel so sad about it all. I get on with all the other mums at school but this is the one i really liked. She is perfectly pleasant but doesn't really initiate getting together any more.

I don't know why but I dwell on it so much. I think this is part of my social anxiety tbh as it is not logical. I have plenty of friends, both local and more longstanding. But I felt I had a connection with this person, and conversation was always so animated and interesting. But maybe she is just a charming sort of person who everyone will like to be around?

So as not to drip feed, I was already a bit hurt before a this came up because said friend went away for a trip with mutual friend and didn't invite me. They tried not to mention it in front of me, but they went with a third friend (who I don't click with - she is quite a scary queen bee) and that friend put it all over fb.

How can I just forget it, carry on being pleasant but not close, and appreciate the things I have? I have a great job and wonderful kids as well as other friends and family in my life. I always have a sneaking feeling all these other relationships are some how less "valid" but why should I think that?

It might not help that I have had relationship problems for a while, but we have come to an amicable arrangement re split now.

Just to be clear, I don't want you to tell me she was wrong or anything of the kind.

I was really asking for advice about how to forget about it and stop dwelling as I'd already made up my mind to do this.

I don't think the going away was "wrong" as such. I didn't call it a "secret trip" - a pp did and I just adopted it as a shorthand. It was hurtful but I accept she wasn't wrong as such. It was hurtful because it indicated that we were not as good friends as I had thought. I agree the reason they didn't mention it is that they know I don't get on well with third friend (third friend is a bit of a queen bee as stated and had alwayd made it clear she doesn't want me in her "gang"). I never ever said anything to her or other friend about this at any point except that it sounded nice and hoped they had a nice time, in totally genuine way.

In some ways she was the one who was a bit needy for a long time, as the friendship started with me doing various favours for her.

I guess I may be coming across a bit needy on here, because i am telling uou guys how I feel, but I have never said these things to her.

Perhaps you're still dwelling on it because she's still quite friendly to you.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to drop it so I would do as PP suggests; invite her for a coffee/play day/whatever.

It could spark up the friendship again or she could ignore/reject it.

At least that way you would have some closure on it.

I didn't mean that you were needy in an irritating way just that if you cried and talked about your social anxiety, she might not have been able to deal with it at that time.

Did you speak badly to her child?
I have ended a friendship over this. I do feel sad over it but you know, it's my child, who isn't old enough to know how to deal with an adult treating them badly. I couldn't have that.

Walter thanks. You are probably absolutely right. I should never have mentioned it and would never have done if I wasn't having an overwhelming day in other respects. It was totally irrelevant to what had gone on, I can't unmention it now, but wish I hadn't. I agree it has coloured things but strangely it probably is also the reason I can't forget it. I think she is exactly the sort of person who would not want to deal with that.

I don't think I did speak badly to her DD. Her DD was behaving in a not very nice way to my DD in front of us (with a background of having been somewhat unkind to my DD at school) and I said "it's getting silly now, everyone can play with the X". I didn't shout. She says I said it more firmly that I thought. Mutual friend was also there and didn't notice anything amiss - she couldn't remember anything had happened later on (friend in question asked her) or that friend had gone off in a strop (she agrees that she did).

However I agree that I should have put distance between us and not put our dds together during the time hers was being a bit off.

Well, that doesn't sound like my situation - sounds more like she's super sensitive.

TBH that in itself is the sort of red flag that makes it more sensible that you should just let go with indifference. Hyper protective and sensitive parents are hard work!

I think it's hard to stop dwelling when you have to see this person pretty much every day and your dc are involved.

From my own similar experience, getting past it was about recognising that the better friends I have don't just drop people for minor disagreements. The friend who dropped me, I still have no idea why, suddenly tried to resurrect the friendship three years later. I did meet up with her but it wasn't the same. I could imagine her taking umbrage at something and just dropping me again when it suits her. FWIW it doesn't sound to me that you did anything terribly wrong.

Are you me OP? I'm finding it quite hard to read your posts as it sounds too familiar to me. I'm not judging you at all, I just want you to know that I struggle to get over this kind of thing too and it makes it really hard to make new friends but I am attempting to address it a bit. A couple of flags are coming up here for me you said this 'I think I just feel hurt that she thought I was an ok person to strop with etc. as I can't imagine her being that way with someone she respected more or thought was " cool".' and you said this 'I should never have mentioned it and would never have done if I wasn't having an overwhelming day in other respects. ' I think you (and I) need to have a bit more respect for ourselves Rebel, you had every right to express yourself with her and you are definitely cool enough that she should respect you. Try again with her possibly and then you (and I) need to let it go!! Be like Elsa!!

Thanks all, more really helpful advice. I'm going to re read and try to take it all in!

"Let it go" needs to be my motto - it is silly to keep obsessing about this, hence the thread. I probably should have mentioned that this was in July that the incident with dds happened.

Irony is, if friend knew I was posting on mn about it she would think I am really odd. I need to stop obsessing and think about my own life and not what she is thinking.

I don't particularly think "friend" (only way I can think to describe) has any duty to keep up the friendship unless she wants to, I just can't help feeling regretful about it. And she hasn't actually done anything wrong or unkind, certainly not since the summer. It about me dealing with my feelings about it I guess, and not giving this so much importance.

Are you one of those people that generally mulls over things or possibly worries a bit? I'm in a similar situation with a friendship that ended and I can't let go. Partly because it makes me feel a bit of a failure, if I'd been a 'better' person we'd still be friends. And partly because I'm just one of those people that over thinks things. It's all very well people telling you to stop dwelling but if it's not the way you normally deal with things then it can be hard and you just have to realise that it will take you longer to move on.

I am just like that alliecat

I've had this experience too. A very close friendship for around 4 years, the odd gripe over that time but nothing major. She dropped me almost overnight for no reason that I could really work out. I tried to talk about it with her and was fobbed off. Other people noticed and asked me about it. I couldn't really explain what had happened because I just didn't know. I wasted a great deal of time ruminating about it and feeling very very hurt. It left me feeling like there was something wrong with me. It left a big hole in my life for a while. In time I came to realise that no matter what I had or hadn't done I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I at least deserved some kind of explanation. To be honest, I don't need someone in my life who can treat me that way. Around a year later she messaged me to say she missed me. I was very tempted to tell her to f* off but I resisted!

it's the worst isn't it.

Hope you have nice friends now

That does sound horrible yumscrum

Also hope you now have nicer friends.

Are you dwelling on it because this friend has moved on to new friendships and you haven't so you feel 'dumped' in some way? I liken it to breaking up with someone and staying single while they move on to a happy new relationship so the break up hurts even more.

I've been in this situation for the past year with 2 friends who have slowly dropped and replaced me with a new person who has joined a mums group we were in. We weren't even friends for that long, about 2 years, but their DC were my DS's main toddler friends. Now they do stuff with this new person that our kids would previously have done together. It started with a trip away about a year ago and I have seen less and less of them since.

Thinking about it, what bothered me most was that they replaced me in the trio with someone new rather than just widening the group to include four of us. I feel now like I need to make a whole new set of friends whereas they have just ditched me . Good for them but it feels pretty shitty. I even have to sit there and try not to roll my eyes as they sing the praises of this new person and how C has this bag and it's so cool and how C's kids have such perfect hair and how they love C's new idea for a brunch she's hosting etc. It really is like being 12 again!

So what you need to do is move on and make new friends but it's hard to get into that positive frame of mind, isn't it?

I think nearly everyone has a story of losing a friend for some reason by a certain age, and it can be comparable with a relationship break up with your significant other. Especially if it was a true and intimate friendship, it's as difficult to replace as a partner, sometimes feels more difficult than finding a bloke!(if your partner is a bloke of course)

I had a different story in the sense that nothing happened, it sort of petered out on her side, but it had been a quite intense friendship to start with, there was a mutual spark and lots of chemistry and what felt like lots of mutual enjoyment in spending time together. However they moved away to another country for 18 months(when they - actually we were also friends as couples - came back to visit they did visit us), and after they came back she embarked on a new career and fell off the face of the Earth. I don't' know if it was for everyone or esp. for us/me, I mean we do live in different towns so friends who lived walking distance from her must have still spent time with them.

I tried to arrange to meet a few times, and a couple of times it felt crumpled, and then a couple of times she cancelled on us(me and DH) at short notice, so we just gave up. It got to the point that from being originally my BFF of sorts she didn't even know we were expecting a (surprise) baby until they barged into our door while on a day out in our town when I was 8.5 months pregnant! She was very embarrassed and shocked about not knowing (she was supposed to find out in the times she cancelled on us).

Anyway, baby is now 15 months, last time she tried to see me she ended up telling me on the day she was coming and it was sports day for my DC at school, so I had to say I couldn't. It was last summer! I did call her afterwards and left a message with her au pair to call me back (no mobile signal at her house!), and nothing happened. I missed their company terribly but couldn't muster the enthusiasm for the friendship where I was put in the position of a chaser. I did meet new friends meanwhile who I like and who are true friends, not flakey and I can rely on and enjoy their company, but I don't have the same chemistry with anyone. Anyway, the other day suddenly get a card from her in the post saying Miss you.

I still haven't replied and not sure what to do! We have a house on the market and will be relocating this year, I feel a bit like is there any point stirring it all up and then having to say good bye again, but also worry that it would be a pale shadow of the former relationship and might only emphasise the loss, now that I got used to not having her as a friend.

OP, so sorry I hijacked your thread!! My "problem" didn't feel big enough to start a thread about it, but everyone's experiences prompted me to share, and if anyone can provide any insight, I'd appreciate it.

In your place, esp. since you are neighbours, I would totally invite her for coffee nonchalantly and see how it goes. Yeah, you both had an awkward moment, but you are grown-ups, you both should just get over it and start anew. Hopefully.

It is hurtful, especially as you still see this woman. Over thinking will probably lead you to making the wrong assumption.

I tend to avoid group friendships. I felt uncomfortable at mother and baby groups. I had light banter with a few mum's. One in particular made an effort but her friend was not too keen on me. She constantly reminded us how close they were etc etc.

After we moved on from the group, a few of the mums were on FB. I messaged here and there and received no response despite the fact they were often online.

I have never really found my place in friendships. From school I have been on the outside looking in. My outer shows (so I have been told) that I am confident and aloof but I lack confidence and fear rejection.

I prefer one on one meet ups. Large groups are not my thing at all. To me, it can breed gossip, one upmanship, rivalry.

I do feel for you OP and I have been in similar situations myself, not helped by the ubiquitous Facebook!
However, dwelling on what you did or didn't do won't change anything and will only make you unhappy, you do have to let it go and look forward to meeting new friends that support you, not test you.
They are out there I promise

Rebel, I do feel for you. As others have said, being dumped bloody hurts. In my late 20s (a gazillion years ago) I met this really cool woman, and she was just so much fun and so great to be around and we had this really intense friendship and one day she just walked away, and it really hurt, and it ate and ate away at me.

She was so great. She was also really, ruthlessly, selfish in the pursuit of what was good/worked for her. In retrospect, I stopped being that so she dumped me.

I have been 'drawn' towards people throughout my life who aren't always good for me. It's never ended well.

You sound lovely and kind.

I think this is one you have to chalk up to experience and walk away from, and hope you get more perspective after time has passed.

It's good that you have other good things in your life.

Showing her you care won't help you, so be as breezy as you possbly can be, and good luck!

OP, I just thought, does your friend have a partner? Could it be that she removed herself from friendship more due to the fact that you are single now? Not to be horrible with my assumptions, but it's a well known fact that sometimes friendship dynamics change if one of the friends splits up with their OH....

I've been there, It's hard isn't it? Sounds cheesy but for me I found time to be the greatest healer. And under no circumstances must you show that you are bothered, In my experience people feed off of that sort of thing and rub it in even more. Like Fatmomma said be a breezy as possible, it will get easier.

I agree with pp in that Facebook definitely makes things worse!