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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To reduce EXH constant after this weekends poor show of parenting?

50 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 24/01/2016 19:58

DS has a rather useless man child of a father. My Exh.

Ds came home today after a weekend at his dads where his only contact with his dad is EOW. Things has been getting progressively worse.

DS was not bathed or washed in three days to any degree
His hair was unbrushed and teeth not cleaned
He witnessed shouting between EXH and his DP
He was not taken out for a walk or any exercise all weekend
He was collected late from school for no clear reason
He was kept in a dark flat watching tv all weekend
He was allowed to watch films with a 12 rating.
He allowed ds to watch clips on the internet of content that contained swearing and "bad words" my DS said

As a side note EXH has nothing to do with my DS school, has collected him twice (hes in year one and that covers nursery, pre school, reception and year one
He refuses to take ds to playdates or birthday parties

Would I be unreasonable to reduce EXH contact from EOWeekend to every third weekend, maybe even one night?

I think his behaviour and parenting is disgusting, aib over the top??

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 24/01/2016 20:38

I would be interested to know what he is feeding him too. Given all of the above, it's not likely he's getting a healthy balanced diet when he is with his father either is it?

Odd trip to McDonalds or a takeaway, fine, but no good if everything else he has while he is there is crap too.

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 24/01/2016 20:41

I think the food front is ok except a lot of sugar as his DP cooks main meals so I am confident there is some food.

My DS also tells me that his dad doesnt get up in the morning with him, he is given breakfast in front of the tv by EXH DP. Exh has admitted to me he gets up at 10.30am.

OP posts:

LittleBeautyBelle · 24/01/2016 20:42

Not brushing teeth for three days? That is really kind of outrageous. And that's every two weeks he's not having his teeth properly cared for, for three day stretches, and probably eating sugar for three days too. His teeth are going to be a mess. I would be angry about that and very frustrated at the other things you listed.

TheWrathofNaan · 24/01/2016 20:52

If this goes to court your ex would still be given contact. You may not like how he is 'parenting' but the court will still think it's in your child's best interests to see him.

Lostmyxmasspirit · 24/01/2016 20:52

Tbh id be worried about what your DS doesn't actually notice because 6 isn't old enough to notice everything. And he certainly shouldn't be dumping your DS on his OH while he's there - if he had 50/50 residence then maybe it would be different but he sounds like an absolutely pathetic waster of a man and father

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 24/01/2016 20:57

Lost I am very worried about what he doesn't notice! I hate the fact he is holed up in a flat for the hole weekend and in the eyes of the law this is ok and I should be sending him there EOW for his best interests.

It breaks my heart and I cry every time after he goes.
I think it is so wrong that I am expected to do this. Im living 100 miles from my family to foster this relationship between the two of them

OP posts:

RabbitSaysWoof · 24/01/2016 21:00

I would wonder if your ds really wants to be there, seems like he divulges a lot of detail about what he's father is not doing.
I would send him with a toothbrush and toothpaste and make sure he knows how to clean his teeth by himself, I know the recommendation is 7 and up, and he shouldn't have to try to remember himself and tbh probably wont remember as much as he should be doing them, but it gives you at least a little bit of influence over what goes on, granted only a little.

Birdsgottafly · 24/01/2016 21:02

""I hate the fact he is holed up in a flat for the hole weekend and in the eyes of the law this is ok""

If your DSs needs aren't being met, then 'the law' wouldn't agree that you send him there for that amount of time.

As asked, can you speak to your ex about this?

OllyBJolly · 24/01/2016 21:02

I think it's important that all children maintain a relationship with both parents as far as possible. Obviously, it's not a great situation, but if you reduce contact now then there's every chance it will lessen to nothing.

Would it be possible to increase the frequency of contact but reduce the time of each visit? Not very fair to you but a possible solution.

I could accept a lot of stuff but the teeth brushing would get me.

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 24/01/2016 21:07

I have tried to talk about this with my ex on numerous times. Including Tonight. He will no engage.

Olly I have offered EXH whatever contact he likes. The contact arrangement is his choice.

I repeatedly ask him to come to see DS during the week. He does not.

I have recently been in hospital and despite EXH being on a work break this year he has not looked after DS at all, taken him to school etc. Nothing.

OP posts:

ozymandiusking · 24/01/2016 21:10

My, what low standards some of you have!

starry0ne · 24/01/2016 21:10

I would reduce it to one night a EOW at least if he is collected friday home sayruday night that is 2 teeth cleans Not 6 ( though this isn't good enough )

Do you send a toothbrush ..I would.. My 8 year old wouldn't brush his teeth without supervision..

I think you need to put your concerns in writing ..

VoldysGoneMouldy · 24/01/2016 21:12

If this isn't court ordered, I would stop it all together. Your DS's needs are not being met, and he is at risk emotionally if not physically.

LittleBeautyBelle · 24/01/2016 21:13

He doesn't sound interested at all, and this has been his form for a long time, right? Awful for you and ds. You can't make a parent care about the well being of their child. I would guess your ex thinks you're just criticizing him so he won't even listen. Would it be awkward to contact his partner, since she is the one who does some of the caring and cooking in making sure ds has meals? Could you explain your concerns to her, especially the teeth brushing, and the violent movies?

LittleBeautyBelle · 24/01/2016 21:17

Otherwise, if neither ex or his partner will listen to your concerns, then I would stop the visits all together like pp said. definitely limit it to one night eow instead of the whole weekend, or even one night every 3rd weekend. Or stop the visits all together until and unless ex understands what basic care and love of ds means.

HighwayDragon1 · 24/01/2016 21:27

I've taught my 5 year old to brush her teeth, I send her to XP with a toiletry bag with toothbrush/paste, soap and a sponge. She washes herself down before bed and brushes her teeth (all unsupervised but better than nothing) can you teach him to do it himself not tat he should have to mind

Mrskeats · 24/01/2016 21:28

If he won't listen stop contact
I'm very surprised that some posters think this isn't neglect; baths and tooth brushing is basic care surely?
The watching unsuitable films is also not on.

HighwayDragon1 · 24/01/2016 21:29

She also knows she is not allowed to watch certain thibgs and will leave a room if she thinks it isn't appropriate. She will also tell me if anything has been on that "isn't appropriate mummy" This sounds weird but kids aren't stupid.

GreenPetal94 · 24/01/2016 21:44

How do you know all of this?

I agree its worrying, but it could be a lot worse. Maybe reduce contact, but not a reason to stop it all together. But you could speak to your Ex about the worst bits.

missymayhemsmum · 24/01/2016 21:45

Your ex is verbally abusive to you in front of your son. he is verbally abusive to his partner in front of your son. This is not a one off but a regular occurrence, ie he regards it as normal. He collects him late from school, and delegates your son's care to his partner. he doesn't engage with your son or provide basic care or toys, or appropriate activities.

Frankly, I'd be for moving as far away as reasonably possible and cutting contact to the minimum to minimise his father's influence before he does any more damage.

Document everything so if he goes to court you can show why you stopped contact

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 24/01/2016 21:59

As stated three time, I have spoken to him

My DS tells me

OP posts:

Lostmyxmasspirit · 24/01/2016 22:02

From what you've said OP he isn't interested in his son. You cannot force someone to be a decent parent and your son deserves to spend ALL his time with a parent who realises how truly lucky they are to have him.
I really couldn't see such an uninterested father bothering to go to court for access tbh, because legal aid in these cases isn't free anymore.
Don't put your DS through any more of his shit parenting

ToadsforJustice · 24/01/2016 22:03

Stop the contact. It's supposed to be for the child's benefit. I'm not seeing any.

LittleBeautyBelle · 24/01/2016 22:31

Yes, that's the other thing. He is verbally abusive to his now partner in front of ds, that probably happens frequently given his history. Probably best to stop visits until and unless he makes a big change.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 24/01/2016 22:31

try and sell it to your ex as now he has a girlfriend would he like more time with her so he can watch the films he likes. for exes benefit.

you will need to teach your ds to wash and teeth brush for himself. again not that you should have to.

the most worrying things for me are the violent language, the teeth brushing and the films all of which are likely to have longer term effects.

definitely try and reduce contact.

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