to be frustrated and upset with MIL

[grumpyismymiddlename]

I've name changed for this because mil is generally lovely and I don't want to be outed but I just need a rant about this I feel really weird about it.

I'm pregnant with Dc2 and mil offered to buy us bottles and asked what ones would we like. I said avent natural. So then next time I'm down she said to me she had ordered a box but when they came they were pink so need to send them back (don't know sex) but showed me them.and asked if it was the right kind anyway. I said no that's just the normal avent ones it's the natural ones I'd prefer.

So yesterday I'm down and she said she had the new bottles in and went and got them. She produced the box and said it's the normal ones again but I mean they'll be fine a bottles a bottle and gave me them.

So I said well actually the reason I wanted the natural was because I'm planning on breastfeeding this time and the natural claim to be the best for expressed/mixed feeding bf babies.

The mention of breastfeeding provoked a bit of an unexpected reaction from mil I was really taken aback. She ranted on about how I'll have a screaming baby who will be starving and will lose weight and fail to thrive.

Thankfully sil was there and I think she could see I was getting upset and she intervened but that lead to her and mil having a bf/ff argument. I really just sat there thinking why the fuck did I even open my mouth I should've just taken the bottles and said thank you

Anyway AIBU in think a) if you ask someone what they want you get them it? I'm now left with a box of bottles I won't use and I feel bad because mil has spent money on them and I am greatful but I just won't use them I have bought the natural myself as really want to try to breastfeed.

And b) you don't tell someone how to feed their baby

I think it's hilarious how everyone assumes women were given identical feeding advice across the country by midwives and HVs... Even today in the Information Age you get HVs saying babies shouldn't be BF at night after 6 months etc!

YANBU about what your MIL said. She shouldn't have spoken to you like that about a matter that is none of her business.

However, I breastfed both of my children and used standard Avent bottles when I expressed. It didn't make any difference at all. I think that those 'natural' bottles are a con to try and tap into the insecurity of parents who are trying to do their best for their babies.

Just to add - while it was the norm to support BFing on demand by the early 80s, in the mid-late 70s it wasn't, my MIL had DH in 76 and was told to BF 4 hourly with hm being put in a nursery for the 3 weeks (!) she was kept in hospital, and obviously didn't feed much beyond that. She had BIL in 81, and it was very different, you didn't stay in hospital for anywhere near as long, they supported on demand feeding and more importantly the baby wasn't taken away for hours at a time, being fed formula through the night to "help" you...

OP - it's worth remembering, that when DDs and DILs have children, it often brings up feelings and memories in woman of the older generation about when they had their DCs, apparently my Dad found my Mum crying a few days after I had DC1 because she'd put to one side her own (badly treated in the 70s) PND and was just sobbing saying she'd just remembered how terrible the first week was.

it is unlikely your MIL was thinking about your or your baby when she said that, more thinking about a terrible time she had with her DCs. It's probably nothing to do with you and your baby.

(and it's just a marketing thing, either bottle type will be fine, or if you haven't opened them, worth going to the supermarket/shop she got them from and asking if you can exchange them without a reciept.)

My older 3 were born in the mid to late 90's and i was in and out of hospital without hardly touching the ground each time!

'Back to sleep' was in full swing, demand feeding all the way. No strong BF support mind you, it's much better for that these days (i have a 2 year old now as well).

My mother, who is in her 70s, was horrified i didn't get into a 4 hourly routine with my first three - and then we had to go all through it again when i had DD4.

''is she in the 2 6 and 10 yet?''
''NOOO mum - these days we demand feed like i explained 18 years ago''.

sigh.

OP - get your DH to have a word with his mum if she pushes about this. It's not her place.

She was dropping off a steriliser?

When is your baby due? It will take a little while for your milk to come in after the colostrum, then you will need to settle in and establish your feeding.

Honestly , this woman will be a menace if she is hovering around while you are getting the hang of b/f, she will forever be saying 'oh poor thing , let me make up a bottle ' and criticising and undermining your early days.

Your DH needs to talk to her firmly and tell he to back off. Just tell her you don't need this stuff as you are planning to Bf this time.

Good luck, OP. No need to feel nervous. Tell your mw now how you are feeling and that you would appreciate some support.

Back in the day, new mums who were BFing were told to feed every 4 hours, not on demand like we do today

I was born in the late 60's. My mother was told to bf me every 4 hours and between feeds I should be sleeping. One day a friend of my fathers from Africa was visiting. I was screaming in my cot, he asked why I was being left to cry. My mother told him that I was not due for my next feed. He explained that in his family babies were fed when they cried and never left to cry. My mother still left me till it was time for my feed.

Now, having seen me bf on demand with my 2, my mother says she feels awful about leaving me to cry and wait for feeds.

She's just ignorant. Like my MIL who (shocked and disgusted at the idea that I'd be feeding on demand 24/7) was told herself as an expectant mother that breast milk is 'no good' at night time. I don't know at what hour she thought the cut off point was... She happily told me she was repulsed by the whole idea of breastfeeding anyway!

yanbu. and fwiw my bf baby was a right chubber.

I was born in 1956, my mother stayed in hospital for 10 days. They told her the forceps delivery had made such a mess of my head it would not be advisable to see me for 2 days ( which she happpily agreed to !) After 2 days she breastfed me every 3 hours to start with then every 4 hours until I was 6 months old when I went straight to a beaker - she still tells people that!

It's upsetting isn't it to hear some of the poor advice doled out. My Mum was told not to pick my DSis up (her first baby) for 24 hours, i think because it had been quite a traumatic back to back delivery and "she needed to rest", the baby was in the cot next to her screaming... she still gets upset about it now.

She also tells me about DSis' awful colic which I wonder was maybe actually just a hungry baby upset at being made to wait hours between feeds!

I know you can do demand led FF but for me having no qualms about feeding on demand was one of the good things about BF... Boob can cure a lot of problems

It genuinely sounds like she's been through something traumatising and she's projecting. Whether her mum fed her the same messages, or she knew someone who struggled, or struggled herself.

Breastfeeding can be HARD to establish so please get your DH onside soon to tell his mum in no uncertain terms to back off and support you.

Well, trying to look at it as a learning moment, as your relationship with her evolves after the birth, its a heads up, as 1. People who buy what they like despite your request are control freaks and, 2. She is flagging for you she's going to be an intefering GM. Start practicing strategies, tinkly laugh and " things are different now " or, ignore and instant subject or activity change.

I'm staying with my DM at the moment, and I just asked her what she was advised in 1987 (when I was born). She was told every 3 hours originally, then every 4 hours after a couple of weeks. She was also told to stop after 6 weeks, as I had 'already had the good stuff'. Thankfully she ignored them!

She was also really chastised for not weaning me at 3 months (she chose to wait until 6 months).

DS was bf for the first 4 months during which time I tried to get him to take a bottle of expressed milk occasionally.

We worked through every bottle I could find (including the natural ones) and he wasn't having any of them. In the end the only one he would take was a lilac monstrosity, shaped like a banana, that I bought in desperation.

All sorts of things could happen when your DC arrives. If MIL queries why you're not using the bottles she bought I would breezily suggest that you tried them, DC didn't like them and you are therefore using xyz instead. And change the subject.

Yanbu about the bf comments.

But you're totally overthinking the bottles. A boy baby can drink milk from a pink bottle. It's just a bottle.

The whole closer to nature thing is a bit of a con. No silicone teat will ever resemble 'nature'. Your baby will decide for themself if they want to accept a teat, and if they do, what kind.

Reading all this advice that was doled out has really got me thinking how strange it is that people got involved and made 'rules' about how babies fed and how often they should be picked up.

I would never be able to leave my baby to cry, I don't care what 'advice' anyone gave me, the sound of her crying is too much for me. The instinct to pick her up for a cuddle and feed is just too strong. I think its easier to just do what you think is right as a mum and ignore most of what you are told, especially if it just feels wrong.