To wonder if Gofundme is the new thing after a death?

[yankeecandle4]

Serious question.

Due to FB I have seen lots of Gofundme pages set up after the death of a loved one. Mostly (but not always) it has been after the death of a child and is in aid of funeral/headstone or fundraising for the condition that they person died from eg Children's Cancer Fund etc. Completely understandable.

However of late I have seen them with no apparent cause/purpose. This morning there was one "Please keep donations coming in because she doesn't have X in her life anymore" X was not in any way responsible for her upkeep (he was a teen), so I am a bit perplexed at how/why monetary donations are necessary or even desirable.

This is not a thread about grief, but more an etiquette question. Is this now a "thing" to give money to a person when they have lost a loved one, for no apparent reason?

[yankeecandle4]

expat I am really glad that you were there for that poor woman that night.

The thread has mostly turned into funeral crowd funding, which wasn't what I asked about, but i'm glad that posters have given their input as it has shed a lot of light for me, and I'm sure other posters too.

For posters who have lost someone and people started crowdfunding for them, can i ask if you received practical support from people too? I suppose I am asking if nowadays people pay into a pot to show support rather (or as well as?) than in practical ways. What did you feel was more helpful?

[Ifrit]

We someone dies people want to help but don't always know what's practical or welcome. Casseroles or babysitting DC or picking up shopping or even just a friendly ear. Then if you do lend a friendly ear will they want to talk about their lost loved one or not. If you try talk about other things are you going to look like an insensitive dick or would they welcome the distraction. Will they cry. Will they expect you to cry.

It's all a bit of a minefield, it shouldn't be, but it is. People don't know what to do or say and have a fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and making the situation worse. How many times have you felt like utter shit and an ill-timed, ill-thought out comment has made it ten times worse?

So people help in the most practical way they can - cash. That way you're helping without imposing and the person receiving it can put it to whatever use they think best.

[yankeecandle4]

What on earth is the issue here really?

I am trying to understand the general etiquette around giving money (for no obvious reason stated) to someone when they have lost a loved one. From other threads it seems that I am not "in the know" when it comes to many issues, and I would like to do the right thing. The balloon release thread recently made me realize that I would have done what seems to be the wrong thing, completely unknowingly.

FWIW I would much prefer practical support in the event of a death. Friends calling round, a casserole, offer of babysitting etc. When I lost a close member these were the things that helped me. Money would not have been much use to me.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I happily donated to a GoFundMe appeal when a sports coach helper at dds school died suddenly. He wasn't a proper teacher so I guess wouldn't havethe pension, etc a formal teacher would have had.

Iirc there was nearly 20k raised. His widow had two young kids. She said she would save all the money for them, maybe a Uni fund.

I'm sure financially things will be very tough if you suddenly lose your main wage earner. Not everyone has life insurance.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

The whip rounds I have contributed to have been used for all sorts.

Travel costs, funeral costs, flowers, maybe because there had been a lengthy hospital stay beforehand which is very expensive, towards the wake, there isn't adequate provision for time off work in this country, it can help with day to day living costs if the person needs more than a few days off, a memorial of some description, or even just to make someones life that little bit easier after they have lost someone close so it is one less thing to think about.

FWIW I didn't prefer practical support when my children died, people came over and made it all about themselves and how upset they were and I ended up comforting them. Everybody is different, there is no wrong way to grieve, and there is nothing wrong with people giving money to someone who has been bereaved so their lives are just that bit easier in that depertment at a time when everything else is so shit.

[rosewithoutthorns]

I'd just ignore. Would never ask strangers for money. Bloody cheeky unless it's an appeal for a child to have surgery.

[PurpleDaisies]

Would never ask strangers for money. Bloody cheeky unless it's an appeal for a child to have surgery.

I am genuinely bemused by this comment. The only possible worthy appeals are for children to have surgery?!

[Ifrit]

Yes. Why surgery but not a funeral? After all we have the NHS and grants and charities....

It's not bloody cheeky to have a page set up especially if people have asked how they can contribute or if there is anywhere to send donations. It's not like someone is going door to door with a bucket and demanding that people put money in.

If you want to donate to a page, donate. If you don't then don't. Easy.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

Oh yes 'Don't cry, you'll make me cry' I've had that more than a few times too. Now that I look back on the immediate time afterwards I'm wondering why I didn't just tell people to fuck off. Instead I spent my time feeling guilty that others were upset

The more I think about it the more I think GoFundMe is an excellent idea, people can contribute if they wish without having to try and find something to say and getting it spectacularly wrong.

[expatinscotland]

That's nice for you, yankee, that you didn't need money. So don't contribute to a crowd funding page then. I didn't want casseroles or people around me after DD1 died. I didn't eat much at all. I wanted to be dead. I still had to feed my other two children and take them to school. It was a relief not to have landed in debt due to DD1's funeral.

I know in the US, a lot of these pages are to help people pay medical bills if they have poor or no insurance and help them pay living expenses because even very good jobs give you very, very little paid time off, even after your child died. There was one I gave to. The little girl had died of the same form of leukaemia DD1 had, on Christmas day, and they still had tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt to pay that was their 'co-pay' or percentage of what they had to pay even with insurance. They had two other children and the lady had been a paed nurse.

Again, there was no mandate to give money, but I wan't in a position to bring them a casserole.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, yy, Elsa. I had some random person, I still cannot remember how she got my mobile number, ring me days after DD1 died and say, 'Sorry I wasn't at the funeral' (I hadn't noticed), 'But I have a son the same age and I just couldn't bear it.' Gees, thanks for that.

[rosewithoutthorns]

Because a funeral is down to the family or not. My mother died a couple of years ago, we didn't have the money for a burial/funeral, she was 80 odd and why should it matter.

Its a ridiculous amount, they're dead so why do they care.

We sent her off to be cremated, she was brought back to closest sister to her and she has the ashes. It cost £900 between three of us. Very affordable.

I wouldn't dream of setting up some sort of "appeal" for a funeral unless the circumstances where exceptional.

What a cheek!

[PurpleDaisies]

rose you said you would never ask strangers for money. Bloody cheeky unless it's an appeal for a child to have surgery.

Would you like to clarify what you meant? It sounds like you think the only possible worthy appeals are for sick children to have surgery.

[expatinscotland]

'My mother died a couple of years ago, we didn't have the money for a burial/funeral, she was 80 odd and why should it matter.

Its a ridiculous amount, they're dead so why do they care.

We sent her off to be cremated, she was brought back to closest sister to her and she has the ashes. It cost £900 between three of us. Very affordable.

I wouldn't dream of setting up some sort of "appeal" for a funeral unless the circumstances where exceptional.

What a cheek!'

Jesus wept! So people whose child has died should just cremate them if they don't have the money to do anything else, because hey, the dead kid won't care? If I had had to cremate my daughter I think that would have finished me off. I was pretty close to sectionable insanity after her death. I was suicidal for months.

It's a good thing most people aren't as heartless and set up pages like this for others to help them if they want to.

[SoySauceAddict]

I don't think anyone ever understands how much funerals cost... Plots... Church... Undertakers... Flowers... Preparations... Wakes... Services. It's a massive cost when all is done and finished. Then the headstone and uptake costs of your plot afterwards.

[sugar21]

Rose I hope you never have to cuddle your dead child. My daughter was 17 months old and I didn't want her burnt.
The doctors who tried to save her came to her funeral one of them had even changed shifts. They had compassion

[MaisyMooMoo]

I think setting up a funding page for immediate friends/family/church group or similar is fine. It's when it starts going through Facebook to random strangers that I think like . I saw one a few weeks ago and I always question if they're genuine. If it's someone I know I wouldn't hesitate in donating.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Bloody hell ive never seen such appalling attitudes to the loss of a child before- thankfully!
People feel helpless after someone has died, sometimes giving money is all they can do but it makes them feel they are helping, whats wrong with that?
Some people on this thread need to go into a dark room for a lie down and a word with themselves

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

Fucking hell are we now being advised to cut corners at the funerals of our children?

Just when I thought I have heard every twatty remark ever made to a bereaved parent up springs another one.

[steff13]

Is life insurance offered for children in the UK? I know not everyone can afford it, but I didn't see anyone mention it. Gerber offers life insurance here for kids for about $10 pet month.

My employer, like most employers in the US, offers life insurance as part of my benefits package. I get my annual salary for myself, plus $15K for my husband and $10K for each of my kids at no cost. I pay $40 per month out of my pay check for an additional $600K for myself and $50K for my husband.