To wonder if Gofundme is the new thing after a death?

[yankeecandle4]

Serious question.

Due to FB I have seen lots of Gofundme pages set up after the death of a loved one. Mostly (but not always) it has been after the death of a child and is in aid of funeral/headstone or fundraising for the condition that they person died from eg Children's Cancer Fund etc. Completely understandable.

However of late I have seen them with no apparent cause/purpose. This morning there was one "Please keep donations coming in because she doesn't have X in her life anymore" X was not in any way responsible for her upkeep (he was a teen), so I am a bit perplexed at how/why monetary donations are necessary or even desirable.

This is not a thread about grief, but more an etiquette question. Is this now a "thing" to give money to a person when they have lost a loved one, for no apparent reason?

[StrawberryLeaf]

I agree it's just a modern version of a whip round, I contributed to a fund for a headstone for a baby boy who died of SIDS.

When my daughter died my house was literally filled with flowers, expensive delivered florist bunches. I think my friends and extended family just wanted to do something. I wasn't in the stage of mind to look after the flowers and gave a lot away. Given the choice the money, even donations to charity in my daughters name, would have been so much more useful.

DDs funeral was free but as expat says I paid a lot of the lair, headstone, also the casket (because I wanted white) and flowers.

I understand in these situations people just want to do something to let them know you are thinking of them so I have no problem with crowd funding, for any reason, after a death.

[yankeecandle4]

Can you really not see why people may wish to give money to recently bereaved people

Or why recently bereaved people may need money?

Are you really silly? It's something that people in comunities have been doing since the year dot.

The Internet makes our comunities bigger.

I hope I'm not silly needs, but if I am it is not intentionally. I am aware that people have been doing whip rounds for years in the case of close family members to contribute towards funerals etc. I think i made that clear in my OP? That was never in question. For me though, I can't really see why I'd offer someone who is not a direct relative (such as a cousin, who is not paying for the funeral) money, for no specified reason (and reasons are usually stated on crowdfunding?)

This was an etiquette/norm question. It seems that this is very normal now so I will take that on board for future.

[kali110]

I agree that cremation shouldn't be a lesser choice, but i don't think this thread was saying that, just one poster.
I want to be cremated.
I do not see the point of being buried. (For me)If it's cheaper to then even better, i'll be dead.
I think it's unfair though at how much funerals are.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

op

Can you really not see why people may wish to give money to recently bereaved people

Or why recently bereaved people may need money?


Are you really silly? It's something that people in comunities have been doing since the year dot.

The Internet makes our comunities bigger.

[expatinscotland]

Sorry, I just don't see any 'turn' where anyone has said it's a lesser option because it's cheaper. It's a choice that some have not taken.

[ArcheryAnnie]

To be clear - everyone should have access to the resources they need to have whatever funeral they want, whether that's burial or cremation or anything else. It's just the turn this thread has taken, that cremation is somehow "lesser" because it's cheaper, is quite upsetting to those of us who have chosen cremation (or acceded to the wishes of the person who had died, who wanted cremation), for people we loved. It's just another way of doing things, not second-best.

[expatinscotland]

Well, that was rose for you. That poster is equally horrid on other threads and best ignored.

[ArcheryAnnie]

expat but I wasn't the one saying that. I was addressing that several people had responded to any talk about cremation as if it was a lesser choice, a cutting corners choice, only to be reached for if you can't afford a plot. It's been a positive choice in my family, and to have it talked about (by anyone) as if it wouldn't be good enough for their families, and even suggesting it is akin to suggesting a paupers' funeral, is quite upsetting.

[expatinscotland]

'One thing: I've seen cremation spoken of a bit negatively here, which is quite upsetting. It is cheaper (as I pointed out) because you don't need a burial plot or a headstone, but it is not "cutting corners", it's a positive choice for some.'

People should never be forced to do it (or bury) their child due to lack of funds. Choice, fine, but one highly offensive post stated it was done because it was cheaper and dead people don't care. That is incredibly upsetting for people who have lost a child.

My child was buried. Seemed right at the time. We bought the plot, well, you have to when you bury a person. I, however, have chosen to be cremated and my ashes interred in that plot. It is cheaper but it's not what everyone chooses. Some I know have buried their children in a natural woodland. There are all sorts of choices.

It's quite negative for others to write along the lines of 'if you don't have the money for X for your child, then fuck you, you have to do Y.'

We used to have pauper's cemeteries and the like. Thankfully we have moved on in a lot of ways.

[ArcheryAnnie]

There's some heartbreaking stories on here. A whip-around (electronic or in real life) is one way for people to feel that they are helping - yes, it's not about them, but if it gives the family a bit less to worry about when planning the funeral, and also fends off the casseroles, etc, it's not a bad thing. (Though the casseroles are welcome too, sometimes.)

Mostly it is people you know well, but sometimes it isn't. Do you remember that young woman who died during the marathon? She was raising money for the Samaritans, and after her death a huge number of total strangers donated more than a million quid, not because they were particularly keen on the Samaritans (who are a fine organisation, but that was almost random), but to offer her family a little bit of comfort, knowing that what this young woman had set out to do had been achieved beyond her wildest dreams. People do like to help, and giving them an easy mechanism to do so can help them as well as the grieving family.

One thing: I've seen cremation spoken of a bit negatively here, which is quite upsetting. It is cheaper (as I pointed out) because you don't need a burial plot or a headstone, but it is not "cutting corners", it's a positive choice for some.

[FriendofBill]

A local man has set up crowdfunding to help pay for the funerals of his parents and sisters who died in a car accident while abroad.
There are potentially two more as two of their grandchildren are critically ill from the same accident.

Government will help a little if you have zero. It's loans mostly iirc.

Awful.

[kali110]

Wow there are some knobs on here!
I am so sorry to everybody who has lost a child xxx

[Crikeyblimey]

I think I may have sparked this as I was the one who said I felt the recent one I saw for a funeral was odd.

I should perhaps have elaborated or at least have come back to the thread sooner.

I do know exactly how much a funeral can cost having recently paid for my mother's.

The one I saw was not for a child.

I just find public displays of grief (and felt a funding site was such a thing) a little distasteful - but that's just my opinion.

I am so deeply sorry if anything I said caused offence or brought up feelings in those of you have have experienced the loss of a child.

[Largemelons]

Some of your stories are heartbreaking and my heart goes out to anyone who has had to bury a child. I know if I were to be in that position there's no way I'd have 4K lying around, nobody should ever have to stress about money when dealing with such inconceivable grief.
I'd donate and have donated in a heartbeat.
I'm not a religious person but the phrase 'there but for the grace of God go I' is something I try to live my life by.
Generally I find people to be generous and giving in such situations but there's always the odd knobhead.

[Skullyton]

that was my fault i think yankee.

someone said they saw a gofundme for a funeral and thought it strange

i asked why strange as not everyone has £4k lying around to pay for one.

it blossomed from there!

[yankeecandle4]

Lauren what have I said that is one of the worst things you have seen on MN?

I profusely apologise if I have upset anyone. I'm not sure why this has become about funeral costs (and specifically a child's) as I stated in my OP that that was not what it was about. I was trying to gain insight into something which I can now see seems to be an acceptable norm.

I am horrified at some of the posts that have followed after posters have shared their very personal experiences.

Big condolences to all who are grieving.

[Skullyton]

and yes, we ende up paying something like an extra £100 for copies of the death cert to send to various people.

[Skullyton]

I apologise if my comment on the first page about funeral costs sparked a discussion thats upset a few people, not my intention, i just know how much my Dads funeral cost 2 years ago and the heartache and pain we went through trying to get the money together for it.

We were lucky, we could afford it, but at the time, all of my parents money was tied up in probate and joint accounts and the bill was ramping up as each new cost piled on... and it shouldn't matter, but the cost becomes this massive extra stress as you're suddenly faced with the shock of just HOW expensive it is to give your loved one the send off that you need to say goodbye to them.

My mum ended up using her widows grant to pay for most of it.

[AloraRyger]

Dd1's funeral is one of my biggest regrets about her life and death. Cheapest we could make it was £250 and that was for a 10 minute graveside service where she was buried in a casket that was made from off cuts of an adult one alongside 6 other babies. She was taken there in the back of the funeral director'a car and we followed. I hate that it was so short and impersonal.

Had gofundme or just giving Bern around then you can bet your bottom dollar I would have accepted donations to give her the funeral she deserved, cars, flowers and all.

[Lauren15]

I have found some of the comments on this thread, such as by the Op and rose in particular to be some of the worst I've seen on MN. I cannot fathom why they see the need to be so insensitive and judgemental about how people deal with the death of a child. I would do anything to help anyone in that situation.

[Ifrit]

rosewithoutthorns, your comments on this thread have been massively insensitive. Are you this big of a nob in real life or do you save it all for the Internet?

I have my own thoughts and feelings about death but I keep them to myself unless directly asked because I realise that they may be in direct contradiction to other people's thoughts and feelings. Just because I don't see the point of practice ABC doesn't mean that countless others aren't immensely comforted by it so who am I to say it's wrong? And how could I in all good conscience say it's wrong without upsetting those people?

Think before you type.

[SoySauceAddict]

Some*

[SoySauceAddict]

You deffo have to pay for certs here (Ireland). I'm so sorry for all of you that have experience of this. I know I've posted on so!e of your threads before. It's something that you don't expect to have to do. I remember my ex husband saying to do everything the way I wanted because we wouldn't have to pay for education or her wedding.

[expatinscotland]

'I think we had to pay for a death certificate but I can't remember.'

We had to pay for long form ones. I needed a long form one to cancel her American passport and American Social Security Number and obtain her Certificate of Death Abroad.

[evelynj]

Expat, that's heart wrenching. Thanks for sharing your story. I think it's entirely relevant as the skepticism often arises from being so far removed from the grief.

Logic disappears at these times. I'm a very organised & prepared person but other than our wills for who should look i after dc I the event of our deaths, I have made no provision practically for any of our deaths. Any help I'm sure would be gratefully received & particularly being here physically for that lady will probably count for more than you'll ever know. I'm sure she'll think of you almost daily for the est of her days.