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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate being told "It would mean so much to me"?

52 replies

NotTHEBupcake · 22/01/2016 22:05

Anyone else get annoyed when you're invited to something fairly run-of-the-mill and told "It would mean so much to me if you'd come"? My SIL is a nightmare for it. Every invitation is followed by " It would mean a lot to me if you came ". This includes birthdays etc but also things like the time she had some overseas friends coming and decided we all (all her siblings, their partners and children) had to go out for dinner, or if she randomly decides to have a family barbecue because we're all so special to her (seriously).

I really don't believe that it means that much to her if I'm there, and I think she says it to guilt-trip people into attending. DH gets sucked in every time - as soon as she tells him that his presence would mean " so much" to her, he thinks he has to go.

An I being unreasonable to think that she cannot possibly care that much whether I go to these events? And does anyone else get annoyed by the use of this phrase for every day events?

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 25/01/2016 07:55

Until the tile invitation I would have said YABU, but this is just ridiculous.

Although I would be pissed off if I arranged birthday meals, barbecues etc and people didn't bother to turn up. I actually like family get togethers. Maybe it is because we live hundreds of miles from our families so when we visit both families get together for our benefit, and it does mean a lot to me.

Flossiesmummy · 25/01/2016 07:56

Redshoeblueshoe

I'm there too!

Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 08:04

Ha ha, redshoe! That's brilliant! I'm not actually going to the tile-choosing party, but DH is (he'll choose the black shiny tiles, I can tell you that right now). I'm sure I'll ha age to go to the kitchen-warming party though.

She has a boyfriend, but his opinion on such matters seems to take second place to the family's. I do think it's for the attention; she'll do all sorts of things like this and it always has to involve everyone. Or, she'll do the opposite and keep it all a big surprise, like I said with the carpets - she'll choose it all and it's top secret, so we all have to go to the grand unveiling to see it.

I mean, if I get carpets, I really don't expect anyone who doesn't live in the house to be all that interested. If someone asks me what color I've chosen, I'll just tell them. I won't say "Oooooh, it's a secret, but you'll see it on xxth when you come to see them".

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 25/01/2016 08:12

Redshoesblueshoes that made me laugh out loud!

OP I thought you were being a bit harsh at first but the tile thing oh my goodness! Let DH go if he wants to but you stay at home unless you want to stand back and watch the fun. I don't even like taking DH to chose tiles. My son asked me to go and help him and I went. How do the other family members feel? You could each ask her to something as boring.
Or next time she sends a text with that message say that it would really mean a lot to you if she stopped using that phrase!
Please post back if you go we won't to know what is was like did they all oh and ah over what she chooses or did everyone end up arguing over them.

redshoeblueshoe · 25/01/2016 08:13

See I knew I was your trusted friend. As for kitchen tiles - they must be white as I'm hopeless with matching things or something that really clashes.

Ditsy4 · 25/01/2016 08:13

Want!

HPsauciness · 25/01/2016 08:38

This is kind of funny really, whoever heard of a tile party? On the other hand, I can see entirely why you find her very manipulative. I think your approach is a good one, don't go yourself (who has the time?), let your husband make his own decisions unless it starts to impact on you. She sure does like to be the centre of attention, though, doesn't she!

Jux · 25/01/2016 08:40

Oh please go for redshoe's solution!! Please please!

diddl · 25/01/2016 08:44

For as long as people keep indulging her she'll keep doing it!

Is it her way of getting the family together?

SatsukiKusakabe · 25/01/2016 08:45

I know someone who overuses this kind of thing, before you've had a chance to reply, it can constitute a very subtle form of emotional blackmail, that's so successful precisely because of its sweetness. It can be polite and a lovely sentiment, of course, but that's why some people have seen its potential and misuse it Grin

The worst is when it's done on behalf of other people - especially when you were going to attend the thing anyway, it's like you're being pressured to do something you were already going to do, it can make you feel like you're being 'managed' and not trusted to do use right thing. "It would mean so much to great-aunt Joan if you could attend her 100th birthday party" "It would mean so much to him to see the children one last time before he moves to Venezuela/goes to the moon/visits Scarborough for the weekend". Or that you couldn't possibly have anything else pressing going on that you might have to make a decision about, of equal pull, and they are making it almost impossible to turn down their thing without you looking like a dick, even though you might have to.

I think it's great when people do make the effort to make family get togethers a regular thing, though, but your sil maybe takes it a bit far on occasion, when the only bonding that needs to happen in this case is between the tile and the wall.

Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 08:46

The family see each other twice a week anyway, so I don't think it is, diddl. But she would like to see everyone more (she has no DCs, and doesn't understand that when you have, your spare time is more limited).

OP posts:
SatsukiKusakabe · 25/01/2016 08:51

Just realised my reply was longer than the OP, should have started my own thread Grin

Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 08:57

the only bonding that needs to happen in this case is between the tile and the wall.

Marvellous!

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 25/01/2016 09:28

I think you should announce your own non-event for the same date and tell everyone that it would mean a lot to you if they attended op.

I suggest a cat-brushing party Grin

Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 09:33

Ha ha! starts shopping for cats

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 09:36

I've remembered that when we were first married, I did have to ask DH to stop saying things like this in an attempt to make me go to things. It must be a family trait. Maybe that's why he gets sucked in every time his sister says it (and that's why she does it).

OP posts:
SatsukiKusakabe · 25/01/2016 09:39

My last cat-brushing soirée was very well attended, and I didn't resort to such measures Sad

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 25/01/2016 09:48

oh my

I really don't think I have read much quite so ridiculous as a Tile Choosing Party

...just wait till she gets married. and I thought my SIL was bad

drspouse · 25/01/2016 10:21

just wait till she gets married.

You'll all have to go to the wedding dress shop en masse, to taste the cake (mind you, that wouldn't be bad), to choose the invitations and the table settings and audition the bands...

coffeeisnectar · 25/01/2016 10:26

I have three cats. Boy cat lives being brushed. Just pay him in dreamies and he will love you until the dreamies are finished forever

Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 12:03

Oh yes, there's talk of her getting married (not set in stone yet, but fairly likely), but she got word of a wedding dress fair thing and made everyone go along to look at dresses (including DH). Weirdest thing ever, the thought of DH looking at wedding dresses and giving advice.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/01/2016 12:18

I can't decide what's weirder tbh, the fact that she asks or the fact that people do it!

Original poster
NotTHEBupcake · 25/01/2016 12:23

She has this weird "hold" over the rest of them. No one seems to want to say no. Like, if she suggested something, DH will say "Ugh, we're going to have to go to Sis' next Thursday", and when I say "No we're not. We can decide whether we want to go, but we're not going to HAVE to go", he's honestly surprised that saying no is an option.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 25/01/2016 12:57

YANBU.

Unfortunately, you can't control your DH's responses/ decisions but I would certainly advise that you start putting a few boundaries in place by saying no.

She sounds dramatic and attention seeking, and yes, manipulative from your description. If the rest of the family wish to encourage and enable this behaviour then that's their call. Leave them to it.

If DH's decision to always go impacts on your time together then you do have a problem which has to be resolved somehow.

There are very unhealthy dynamics at play.

elliejjtiny · 25/01/2016 13:11

She sounds very attention seeking. I also think she must have a very boring life if she thinks her kitchen tiles are that important. She reminds me of some retired people who fuss over things that don't really matter because they have nothing else to do.

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