AIBU? I just can't tell and it's eating me up

[GratuitousSaxandViolins]

To cut a long story short, my Dad died 6 months ago, unexpectedly and having been admitted to hospital for a couple of days with acute shortness of breathe. Some time after the funeral the hospital got in touch to say they were investigating his death as it was unexpected and it was their policy to investigate. Another letter came just as we were coming to terms with his death saying that a few mistakes had been made basically. The last few months have been awful.

My mum has put all her efforts into following up this hospital letter and my Dad's hospital notes and she's set up a meeting with the team who was treating my Dad when he died.

My mum wants me to come to the meeting to support her and I initially agreed but now it's filling me with dread and upset and I don't want to go.

I think I don't want to go because I don't want my Dad's last hours being dragged up, I don't want to face the people who were treating him and who made mistakes. I don't want to hear him being talked about as a "case". I just can't handle it, I think it will send me right back to the time when we lost him and I can't go through that pain again.

BUT my mum wants my support and I love her so much. I can't stand seeing her in pain, my Dad was too young to die and they still had a big future together. How can I not support her through this. My brother has agreed to go to the meeting but my mum has asked me specifically because she said I will keep her sane and I'm good with all the medical stuff (I have a medical background). My stress levels are through the roof with the fact that I'm also moving house in a couple of weeks and my job is hectic beyond my control.

I just feel I'm going to burn out and I am at a loss to know what to do.
I don't want to worry my mum and I think she'll be upset if I don't go with her and I don't want to not support her when she needs me most.

I don't know what I'm asking in this AIBU - should I put my feelings to one side just for this meeting and help my mum? Sorry, not so short afterall.

Luckily my mum is more understanding than you Cleensheets.

No of course it's not all about me, that's what led to my turmoil. There have been things that I can be supportive with and some things I cannot. If my brother hadn't been able to make it then maybe I would have had to go to the meeting. Yes, mum needs support and she has it. Just not from me for this meeting.

I really think you need to go and support your mum to be honest, shes been with your dad longer, how do you think shes feeling??? you need to support each other xxxx

Also i lost my mum 3 months ago and i would like to go given an investigation to be honest.

poor you OP.

There's no right or wrong answer..... How about getting mum to record the meeting so you can listen to it as and when you're ready? Or so that she could make note of terms she doesn't understand so you could explain those without having to listen to the whole thing?

I think I'm correct in saying there are certain types of complaint which need to be lodged within 6 months, so it seems like a possibly strategic decision on the part of the hospital to wait this long before informing you?

I'd like to add that if you want to go down the clinical negligence path you should go to the meeting. But also, I'd advise perhaps not going down this route due to the trauma and small amount of money you stand to win.

I know what you're saying, Krampus. I did several things that my brother and mum couldn't face. Sometimes we did things all together. I'm sorry for your loss too.

I'm pleased that you spoke to your mum op and that she was understanding. I'm sure she would have been gutted if you had gone through with it and it sent you over the edge. So sorry for your loss

Please ignore posters that say you are selfish or that your grief is somehow less because you didn't know your dad for as long as your mum because they are ridiculous

Glad you were able to talk to your mum and she understood what you were going through.

I'm sure that if there's anything that doesn't hang together or that needs following up, you can advise her on that without needing to be present in the meeting.

I do think there's a need for your mum to know what happened, which is completely reasonable, but I don't think YABU in deciding you can't cope with this particular meeting.

6 months isn't very long after a bereavement, especially when it was such a shock. There are lots of other things you can do for your mum to support her, but you also have to look after yourself.

having your own emotions is never unreasonable and the way you feel can often defy logic or understanding - ignore others telling you you are being selfish.

My take as a doctor, and a daughter:

We review every single death that occurs in occur in our hospital. A standard mortality review focuses on "were mistakes made or system errors that led to a death". This is obviously massively important and if they were then trusts are compelled to be open and honest - to share findings and meet families to discuss their findings.

I lead on mortality in my Trust. I also believe we should be doing some deeper reviews - did stuff happen that wouldn't have made the faintest bit of difference to the outcome but I don't like to see/ forms a pattern/ may hint at another problem. Our difficulty is knowing how to deal with these - so sometimes families end up receiving reports that say "stuff happened which made no difference" - & I would imagine that is extremely distressing.

Everyone is different. Some people want loads of details, some people just want to move on. I can't think of many patients I have looked after where everything went 100% well so we could always learn from every admission whether the outcome is good or bad.

My own Mum died last year - her diagnosis was essentially missed on a CT 2 years earlier. I was furious but quickly we worked out that she wouldn't have been a candidate for curative treatment 2 years earlier either so in some respect we had the benefit of being oblivious. It was hard to come to terms with. I planned to be pushy after her death but in the end left it as better for my siblings.

I don't know (or need to know) the details of what happened with your Dad. For you as an individual it depends on what you need to help you grieve. Some relatives need to understand all the detail. Some feel a need to express anger or have someone to blame - its easier than that awful empty feeling of being left behind. Others want to help others in the future. Any thought or feeling is fine and entirely up to you.

Sounds like your Mum needs more - if she has questions she may never move on. Most Trusts have someone who can support you - check if there is a local bereavement team. If not some hospices, or CRUISE have support around - that may be better for her than you going against your wishes.

The meeting doesn't have to be with the whole team involved (or any of them) neccessarily. If meeting those involved is a fear, you could have a premeeting with someone to go through the notes or report of the mortality review. You/ your family may find that an honest chat through with someone makes you feel a lot better.Its a really tough situation to be in and I hope both you and your mum can get what you need without one of you being unnecessarily hurt.

Yes, my mum does feel she needs to investigate for justice for my Dad. She wants no stone unturned. I don't think it'll go further, she just wants answers and for my Dad's death to be noted and not just forgotten. I understand that.

As for the 6 month deadline for some complaints - I'll look into that!!

You are still grieving. You need to look after yourself. The important thing is you have had a conversation with your mum about your feelings, and can offer strength and support where you can.

no 6 month deadline if she is only just meeting them to find info out.

Cleensheets that was a dreadful comment. Absolutely no need for that at all. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself. OP, you've done the right thing and I'm glad your mum understands.

I think to help me grieve I want to move on. I'm surprised I feel this way as I thought I would want to know all the details but I just find them distressing and futile. Nothing will bring him back, he is gone. The trust have said they have already put steps in place to make sure this doesn't happen again. I just want to leave it. But I can understand that my mum does not. Luckily she understands my perspective too.

I'm v shocked by cleensheets comment, now I've read it!

Must be v hard for you OP to support mum through this. Look after yourself too!

Cleansheets comment was horrendous!! Ignore it.
My dh went from 16 stone to 9 initially and the doctor put it down to IBS... it was stage 4 cancer... no tests!!He died 17 months later -less than 6 stone-- i dont want to know anymore... it wont bring him back and no compensation would ever be enough... i feel your pain.

Op my mum passed away in very predictable circumstances as she was in the final stages of cancer, but it was still slightly more sudden than we expected.
I keep wanting to go over those last few days, I really wish I could find out exactly what happened on a physical level and understand it in detail. My brother is not in the least bit interested and does not want to know any details.
I have no hard feelings towards him, he was much more useful after the death with other practical/admin stuff, I was more around before. We all cope differently, and like me sounds as if you are lucky enough to be part of a family that can support each other according to your individual strengths.

OP, I'm glad you've sorted it out with your mum. May I say you sound like a lovely, caring, unselfish person.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Cleensheetsandbedding The OP isn't selfish, she's grieving and she needs to take care of herself because if she burns out she won't be able to help her mother. Show some empathy.

I have thought a couple of times that mn is becoming a horrid environment and cleansheets has just proved it.

OP I hope your mum gets some answers and that it helps her. I can't imagine what you are going through but please do as PP have suggested and ask for help from friends and colleagues.

I am sure the meeting will be sympathetic, I am sure they are sadly well used to this, they will be specially trained and will help your mother,
If you do feel strong enough to accompany her I think it wont be as bad as you are worrying about. And you and her can discuss things also.

There's always one arse on an otherwise supportive thread. Great post from Madsaz too, especially about perhaps meeting with people who weren't directly involved.

When my DMIL my DH and SIL dealt with things very differently but they were both helpful to FIL in their own way.

Glad you talked to your mum. I can see why if you have a medical background this would be particularly hard for you. Sorry for your loss.

I completely understand actually and have been through it. My lovely Nan passed away last year and had been sent home from hospital with a broken leg.... It turned out they x rayed the wrong leg and they lied and she said asked them too (she was unable to speak due to a stroke)
As soon as they started talking about my Nan in medical terms and autopsy I cried.... And didn't stop. I really shouldn't have gone.
I think you are doing the right thing.

Gratuitous, my much-loved MIL died after a misdiagnosed pulmonary embolism abroad. My husband felt as you do: nothing will bring her back, and delving into the details would be both futile and distressing. I felt differently, but this was his mum and not mine; so obviously I supported him completely and didn't take anything further; though I still carry a lot of anger about what happened to her. She and I were very close.

So I can understand your mum's feelings - but equally, it's good that she can see where you're coming from and the main thing is that she will have support at the meeting from your brother. And as you say, it is important that the hospital are already making as sure as they can this won't happen again.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Gratuitous, I am so sorry for your family's loss. You are not being in the least bit selfish in this case, you have supported and are supporting your mother as best you can, your grief as a daughter is completely understandable and "valid".

This is very different - many years ago I lost my first baby at 22 weeks as the placenta started leaking for some reason. The whole thing was very traumatic and I found my doctor and the hospital staff unhelpful at the time. I was quite ill with grief afterwards and was slowly recovering from the experience when 6 months later, I was ordered by the local University Hospital to attend a meeting about the results of the autopsy they had done on my child (without my knowledge). They had very little to say, but there seemed to have been no reason for the loss, the foetus might have been slightly malformed. I came away from this meeting in utter despair, not feeling any kind of closure at all, just full of more grief at this fresh reminder of my loss. All to say, I completely understand your unwillingness to attend this meeting with your mother. I hope that she does get some answers and is able to then continue with her grieving.

That is absolutely awful, Dumdedum. I'm sorry you were so shabbily treated.