to ask how you keep the "je ne sais quoi"

[cjt110]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, 3 of them married. We have DS, 17m, who was very much planned and wanted.

I find us often doing separate things after DS is in bed - me watching tv etc and him on his pc are examples.

We were never lovey dovey smushy types before DS came along but I miss the pre baby "us". We did our own things then too but I guess I just feel it a bit more now?

We get in from work, I get home 515, he at 430 with DS. We have tea, and DS goes to bed at 7. Sometimes we'll sit and watch tv together. But he's often engrossed on his mobile, as can I also be.

I find when it's just us, all we talk about is DS. I can't even remember what we talked about pre DS.

So, wise MNers, can you give me some suggestions on how you manage to maintain/get back the je ne sais quoi when it's dampened down?

Thanks

Turn off the wifi?

Also go out with one another occasionally, minus the phones. Could you get a sitter?

DH and I went for a walk together the other afternoon. We found ourselves discussing all sorts of abstract things, none of them to do with us, our lives or our families. We weren't pushing a pushchair though!

Definitely get out of the house together sometimes.

You're parents now though so it is ok to talk about your child!

This is totally me and my DH. Together 13 years, married 5, DD aged 3. We have both realised exactly what you have noticed and we have organised "date night" this Friday! I don't really like leaving DD but I know she'll be fine with my DM. I'm excited!!

If you can't leave the house easily, you need to invest in some serious film/TV box set watching. Make plans for the future - DS's education, for example, will incur definition of principles, a strategy and execution which means research, decisions, costs that will impact all of your lives.

Hester The only sitter we could get is my Mum, and she already has my DS 3 days a week - I'd feel guilty asking her to look after him another time too.

I'm glad it's not "just us" feeling this.

DH doesnt like the idea of date nights and if Im honest, we don't have the money at the moment.

I suggested us having some us time tonight once DS goes to bed. I just find myself very tired of an evening, as does he and so we just get busy doing our own things to relax etc

We had settled into a normal martial existence for many years, and for some reason when I hit 40 I started totally fancying him again. Like getting restless watching him watch EastEnders, wondering if he would maybe put the moves on me.

So weird. Anyway I just found out I'm pregnant, too much shagging.

I had zero interest in sex when I had a baby, by the way. You might find that this is a phase that will pass - I was so much happier once my kids were 5+.

OP this makes me think of the phrase 'if nothing changes, nothing changes'. So if the phones still come out and the TV goes on, you'll both still be in this situation in a year, two years, five years...

Sounds like you really went to do something to get out of the rut though. How about cooking together, or even just a very early night (7:30!). It might just take making a plan to do that, say, tomorrow night. Then the routine will be broken.

I've been there.

This is dweeby, but me and DH are dweeby! There are some great new cooperative games around which have really helped us feel connected again. Try Pandemic or forbidden desert. good to work on something together with an achievable goal - but ultimately one that is just for fun!

We have been together for a long time and have never lost the 'spark'.

Things that I think have worked for us:

Go to bed at the same time.

Be kind to each other.

No phones in the bedroom: read, knit or chat, or listen to an audio book whilst cuddling.

Get a babysitter one afternoon and go to the cinema or a museum exhibition.

DH got into Minecraft for a while but I felt it was coming between us so I asked him to cut down.

Why doesn't your DH like the idea of date nights?

plantsitter - we are dweeby, too! We play Scrabble and do jigsaw puzzles! Tragic but companionable!

Go to bed at the same time.

Yep.

Not sure what dweebs means but me an my partner do crosswords and jigsaws together a lot! Is that dweeby? I hope so! Though we do also have nights out occasionally, dinner or a comedy club. OP if you can try and get out together just the two of you it will help.

plantsitter We used to play Halo and Gears of War together for a long time. We loved it. Now he's on his flight simulator on his pc. Not my thing.

I have suggested we have a bath together tonight after DS is in bed. He said that'd be nice.

Sounds promising OP!

That sounds lovely, OP. I'm jealous that you have a bath big enough for two!

Yes promising! Dweeby means a bit geeky I suppose. Those games are board games not computer games - just realised I was not clear!

I just want to be his wife again and not just a Mum. Doesnt have to lead anywhere. But yknow... every cloud

Mama - Its a be-yootiful bath

Could you have a small snack with your DS at tea-time, and then have a grown-up meal at the table after he's gone to bed one night a week? Make it a proper occasion. Wine/candles/clothes that you didn't mail order from Sports Direct/yadda yadda/yadda.

How about having a date night at home or eating a bit later (once the little one is in bed)? We don't usually eat till 8/8.30 (our toddler eats at nursery) so we have 45 mins or so cooking together in the kitchen. You could plan a nice meal/put the phones away upstairs/get some board games to play afterwards. Or get into a box set as someone else suggested. We try to have a rule no phones after 9.30pm mainly because we both got some really good books for Xmas and if we take phones to bed we never read them!

Last night was lovely - DS was being a sleep demon. 1 hour and 20 mins battle to get him to go to sleep wholst then letting him run around being a monkey wwhilst we tried to eat our lovely tea. (So that was 8.20) bit of telly watching together then meal prep for today. then DH said "I thought you fancied a bath" Wine, candles, chatting. It was lovely. I even said we should do this every week as it doesnt cost anything (other than the wine).

SO thanks for your lovely suggestions.