Birthday present etiquette - is DH BU?

[EmGee]

Birthday invite for the weekend. I know neither the child nor the parents so texted to ask what sort of gift would be appreciated. A nicely worded response suggested a contribution to a DS. I thought it was quite a good idea to ask for a contribution to a pricey present rather than buy something the child won't like or play with. DH was appalled and thought it was grabby and he would never ask parents (especially ones he didn't know) to contribute to a present.

I think he's being a bit unreasonable. It actually makes perfect sense to me - what's the point in ending up with fifteen presents your child may or not play with as opposed to putting the money towards a wanted gift. That said, I haven't ever dared make this suggestion to parents myself when asked what gift my child would like! Family or close friends yes, but not ones I don't know.....

HIBU. You asked, she answered. She didn't say cash gifts only in her invite.

Don't think it was unreasonable to suggest a contribution in response to the question asked by you. I'd think it would be a bit unreasonable if they specified what the contribution should be as it would inevitably raise questions of affordability. To ask for a contribution (as in any contribution) isn't unreasonable. Frankly I prefer to contribute money rather than spend hours thinking about gifts for kids whose tastes and preferences I am really not familiar with and still end up with the possibility of them hating the unwanted gift.

Our school does the €5 in a card too. It was brought in by the parents association. If you want to opt in you write it in the invite. I have yet to get an invite for the kids where it doesn't say it and it's brilliant.

We sort of did this last year. DS1(7) had his first and last whole-class party and I was practically hyperventilating at the idea of thirty actual presents arriving.

So when people asked, we said "really no need to bring anything but he's saving up for something so a pound taped into the card would be great". This was settled with DS in advance and he was beside himself with the idea of reaching his target sooner.

Anyway he did have a few presents and enjoyed opening those, but most people put a fiver in the card and he smashed his target and was able to get a better version of the thing.

Several parents expressed approval of the idea, having appreciated not having to go shopping.

It felt excruciating communicating the idea though. I'd far prefer an unwritten rule.

DH IBU. Discreetly handled.

Agh!!! tacky and grabby Really?! Why? Sounds sensible to me! And they were asked, it wasn't put on the invitation.

I would LOVE a school policy that suggested £5 in with the card. I would LOVE an invitation that asks for money. Buying presents for children's parties is always a pain. What do they like? Have they already got one? Is it too big? Too small? Have we got any wrapping paper? Where's the bloody Sellotape?

I want to have a party for my 5 year old this year but am put off by the idea of 30 massive toys that we have no room for. I would rather no presents at all but how do you word that?

My son went to a joint party this weekend. The table of wrapped presents actually made me wince, especially so close tho Christmas. Like seeing a table full of cake, biscuits and puddings when you're already full.

As my kids are getting older their friends are asking for vouchers (for a specific shop), whereas it used to be the norm to fill as basket at the toy shop with a range of toys (from €2-3 items to €10-11 items) and write on the invite to inform guests which one of 3 possible local toy shops your "basket" was in (abroad). I prefer both options to just buying random tat - the worst of all options is fulling a drawer with random 2 for the price of 1 items or bulk buying books and giving them out without a thought to the interests of the recipient.

Asking for money towards a present is absolutely fine in my book - the cardinal sins are asking for a large amount of money (specifying €20 would be ) or asking each individual invitee for one very specific hard to find item/ toy and writing the request on the invite (one of my DS2's friends did this - a specific Playmobile pack, also slightly over our usual budget for a friend'S party, and asking around revealed each invitee had been assigned a present to buy, all around €15-18... ) The longer we know the family the clearer it is that the little boy is the epitome of the MN definition of a PFB!

Tbh it's pretty standard where I live to stick money or a voucher in a card for a kids birthday once they get above 6 or so. Two of my dds are heading to parties next week - the youngest is going to a 5 one - they're bringing a present, the other one is heading to an 8th one - they're bringing money. I don't see the problem at all. You asked, got a nice reply and a suggestion.

Cash is virtually an entry fee to the event. If they want their child to have a DS for his birthday then they should fund it. - they are funding it and remember they didn't ask anyone to pay for anything. OP asked them what they would like.

Yes Baroness, it was a Nintendo!

Interesting to read your thoughts. I've been asked before (by text) what my DD would like, and I generally say things like books, drawing or craft stuff, and say she likes princesses current obsession. It gives an idea and also doesn't have to cost a lot.

Anyway, this particular child is a boy that DD doesn't even play with, so I think giving money is a win-win situation as I wouldn't have a clue what to buy anyway. The mother said she was going to leave a little contribution box so I guess it will all be quite discreet.

On the other hand inviting kids you don't even play with to your party is just plain crazy - I guess it was a "whole class party"? That's a different topic though :o