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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Could I have handled DD (12) better ?

48 replies

Recordmirror · 18/01/2016 21:58

Had a horrible day with DD (12)

She told me this morning that she needed stuff for cooking lessons tomorrow.
So after school I picked up her and along with my other two DCs (DS 7 and DD2 4) we went to the supermarket. I said as a treat if they were good around the supermarket they could have a magazine each.

So DD had a list and we were halfway through it and she was getting cheese from behind us. I also needed cheese so I asked the 7 year old to pick some for us as well. He stood next to her and reached for some cheese (a different type to the one she wanted) and she hissed "not that one you idiot" to him.

I heard her and told her that he was getting cheese for us and she needed to apologise to him. She said sorry but it was full of attitude and she rolled her eyes as she said it. I told her that I wasn't buying anything else for her until she said sorry properly. She said it again in a nice way and we carried on but she was dragging her feet behind us and sighing. I ignored her.

Then we went back to the magazine aisle and the 4 year old liked the look of two magazines so she asked DD which one she should pick and DD said "shut up and hurry up already I am so bored of you". I told her that was not a good way to speak to your sister especially as this trip was for her. I said that she couldn't have a magazine for being mean to her siblings.

She said she was sorry and I said that was good but she still wasn't having a magazine as this was the second time she had been mean to her siblings.

She said she hated me and this family. She sulked and dragged her feet behind us and sat in the car with her arms crossed and sulking and as soon as we got home she slammed upstairs to her room.

While she was up there a friend of mine popped round and asked where DD was and she said that I should have handled it better and should have given her the magazine when she said sorry and I really messed up and I would have to learn before DD became a proper teenager.

She came down for her dinner and apologised for being rude and she was back to normal for the rest of the night.

So WIBU and how could I have handled DD better for the future?

OP posts:

Original poster

Recordmirror · 18/01/2016 22:32

Thank you I am still not sure about this parenting teenagers stuff. It seems to be harder in a way than parenting younger DCs.
I suppose I just assumed because my friend seemed to feel so strongly that I had not handled it well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Recordmirror · 18/01/2016 22:35

The paper analogy is good and I am stealing it as well

OP posts:

honeyroar · 18/01/2016 22:42

I think you did great. And she came down later, apologised and behaved.

As for your friend with the perfect teenagers (yeah right!), no magazine for her either and she needs to apologise too!

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 18/01/2016 22:45

You did fine.

You explained the reward/consequence

She had two chances and didn't behave.

My ds is usually like this when he is hungry/thirsty, so maybe a quick snack before shopping next time might help?

Original poster

Recordmirror · 18/01/2016 22:50

They did have a snack before we went shopping and a drink and if she was still thirsty I would have bought her one. I think it was just a teen age thing.
honeyroar

OP posts:

iPaid · 18/01/2016 22:52

Don't offer treats as a reward for good behaviour.
Let it be known that you expect good behaviour as a given. If they're only acting well because they want a magazine then they are bring manipulative. If, after a trip round the supermarket, you want to buy them something to enjoy then do so without making it a reward for something they shoukd have been doing anyway.

geekymommy · 18/01/2016 22:57

There isn't one universally agreed upon right way to parent. There are some ways that are mostly agreed on as wrong (that would be something like beating your kids for spilling their milk), but there isn't one right way that works for all parents and all kids. Some people think there is, but they're wrong.

Of course it's easier to figure out what you should have done in hindsight. That's true of lots of things, not just parenting. We have an expression in American English for people who know how to do everything right in hindsight- Monday morning quarterback (comes from American football).

liinyo · 18/01/2016 23:01

You were brilliant. Firm, fair and consistent. I wish I had been as good with my DDs. Years later and with the benefit of hindsight (and a long time training and practicing as a psychotherapist) I know what children /teens/adolescents need most is clear rules and consistency. You delivered both in an exemplary fashion. Your children are lucky to have you.

Original poster

Recordmirror · 18/01/2016 23:20

ipaid that's a good point and I try to do that for them as well. But I thought it would just be a nice reward for them. The younger two don't like the supermarket and we had been already on Saturday so I though the bribe might help.

OP posts:

Atnelpoe · 18/01/2016 23:52

I think the fact you got it right was proved when your DD later apologised, not having been bought the magazine! Doesn't mean it won't happen the next million times but no reason not to hold the line!

Katenka · 19/01/2016 06:46

You got it spot on. As proved by your dd apologising and being fine later.

You got an almost teenager to realise they were wrong. Not just apologise.

That's a massive win. I have dd the same age, I would be very happy with that.

Your friend is rude. I have older kids than my dbro. They are great parents but do things differently to me. No way would I tell them they are wrong because it's different to what I would do.

Having older children does not mean you know everything about parenting or all children.

The friend was really rude and the only person who didn't handle this well.

Nataleejah · 19/01/2016 07:51

Given the fact she apologized and went back to being normal, you handled it right. On the other hand, i think 12yo discipline/reward things need to be different to a 4yo. You don't want to drag an almost teenager to a pre-school level behaviour wise.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 19/01/2016 08:01

I think the OP was rewarding the younger children to behave at the supermarket - it was the teen that let the side down behaving like one!!

No harm done -

What did your smug friend say you should've done?

JenEric · 19/01/2016 08:04

I would have done as you did. She was warned already. Second offence deserved a consequence.

ChairoftheBored · 19/01/2016 11:17

I say this from the naïve position of not yet having a nearly-teen, but it sound sto me like some pre-teen attitude which you handled perfectly!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 19/01/2016 11:22

So your friend's kids have learned that they can say / do whatever they like, as long as they muster up a sincere sounding "apology", and they'll still get the rewards promised them. Parenting win, there.

You handled it perfectly, OP.

Oldraver · 19/01/2016 11:32

Honestly I think you handled it well

What are your friends teens actually like, spoilt ?

Newmanwannabe · 19/01/2016 13:56

I think you handled it well too... Maybe your friend did too and was jealous of your superb parenting

totalrecall1 · 19/01/2016 13:59

You did well

Pointlessfan · 19/01/2016 14:03

You handled it perfectly. Too many children never learn that no means no. Well done for standing your ground.

hippowithsuncreen · 19/01/2016 14:06

Just because she has older teens doesn't mean she is right.
Mine wouldn't have got the magazine either.

Just for the record 12 is an horrendous age sobs quietly

Eminado · 19/01/2016 14:12

I think this thread should be about your know it all friend.

pointythings · 19/01/2016 15:18

I agree with everyone else. I would have done the same. And I have two teenagers. Your friend was wrong.

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