to want to call out dad's wife on her attitude to grandson

[Hubnut]

My dad is a lovely grandpa to my 16month son. We visit every week and he plays, cuddles and chases. His wife of 20 years however sits on her arse barely glancing his way other than to say "don't let him touch that" "he can't play with that". She seemed quite keen when I was pregnant, asking if she could be called grandma (no problem at all with me) but once he arrived the mood turned and she went months without seeing him due to popping out to the shops.

I'm actually getting angry about this now. If I see a child at a bus stop I will smile and engage, this is her husband's only grandson and she can't bear to acknowledge him. When I was pregnant they displayed a scan photo but that's gone and there's only pictures of her family up. She has two grandkids,she's always been critical of their behaviour but at least they made it into photo frames.

I'm at the point where I don't want to visit their house. I don't want my little boy to be exposed to this cold attitude.I'd rather meet in a cafe or something.

Do I just tell my dad that? Or should I put up for his sake and hope she always "pops to the shops"? Visiting tomorrow and can't sleep cos upset by this.

OP, you described my dad and his wife almost perfectly. Though they haven't met DS yet as they live in another country, they're talking about coming in the next couple months. I'm excited for my dad to meet his grandson but less keen on having her in my house. To her credit she did send some small baby gifts with the message 'best wishes for a happy childhood ' which struck me as oddly distant and formal, but typical of gifts we get from herwhich we almost always have to pay customs duty on. She also has 2 grandchildren of her own who she sees regularly.

I don't think you can force her to interact with your DC and it could be that she'll be more interested when he's a bit older. Can you talk to your dad about it? It sounds like it'd be less stressful if he came to you or you met somewhere neutral.

Perhaps she is not sure of her role and as your dad seems smitten is maybe a bit jealous?

I don't want to MiL bash here but my MiL is almost exactly the same with the girls in the family. She either ignores or demeans her granddaughters while praising the ground that her grandsons tread. It's not only my kids who see it, my DH's nieces and nephews see it as well. It's become a bit of a cruel joke amongst the grandchildren to see who will be ignored/demeaned and who will get the most attention/cuddles/asked for kisses!

It's Grandmother Bingo. All the grandchildren are over 18 now and can deal with it but when they were younger it upset both of mine. DD was cuddly and would have loved to have a special time with Grandma, DS although cuddly, hated being forced to cuddle and get slobbery kisses eewwwww.

FiL is fantastic, he is loving, cuddly and really great with all his grandchildren. They all love him immensely.

You can't make someone like your child and it sounds like your DS has a wonderful, loving Grandparent so count your blessings, grit your teeth and get some sleep.

We're in the same situation.
SMil has 1 grandchild who stays with them regularly, has her own room in their house, they collect her from school, photos all round the house of her, they take her for days out, etc.
But nothing for our 2 DC. Nowt. Diddly squat. Bog all.
PILs are only 20 minutes away but we get invited round for a meal every 12 - 18 months (it was a year and a half before we got an invite to their new house after they moved). Kids have never been invited to stay over, never been taken out for the day. Not a single photo of them in the house.
We were supposed to meet them for dinner for a meal before Xmas but they couldn't be arsed forgot and left us sitting in the restaurant.
As the DC have grown up with this disinterest it has become a standing joke in our house about 'how busy ' the PILs are.
And to top it all off, last time we went to see them sMIL launched a huge attack on me and DH about all the things we have done wrong that have offended her (basically how dare we put the DCs needs before hers).
We have given up. There is no hope that our DC will ever have a decent relationship with their GF now.
There was another thread recently where a step-grandmother has been slated for not buying the step-grandaughter (who she rarely sees) the same gifts as her grandchildren (who she does see). Yet many posts here say OP has to just suck it up and she is being unreasonable to expect more. I wish there was more consistency in the advice.

I'm at the point where I don't want to visit their house. I don't want my little boy to be exposed to this cold attitude.I'd rather meet in a cafe or something.

Try suggesting cafe, softplay with cafe walks near their house - days out. My IL are much better with days out than sat in house. So you see your Dad and any disinterest by Step-Mum if she accompanies is easier to ignore.

You might be lucky the attitude might improve as your DS get older. However I'd be thinking about ways to cope if it doesn't.

She is trying to tell you something by her actions, and I would imagine that possibly it is her boredom with or disapproval of whatever is happening or whatever she feels is interrupted when you bring your toddler round.

So yes, ask her about it. Or ask your dad.

Losing sleep over it sounds a bit extreme tbh.

Thanks everyone. I did get to sleep. I didn't mean to over dramatise the loss of sleep - I was simply lying in bed worrying about today's visit.

Some good points have been raised here. So in summary I think she doesn't like children, is jealous of her husband's relationship with my son, was perhaps told off by him in the early days and now has a "sod it" attitude (she was critical about a few decisions when he was first born - dummy, sleeping in our room etc). Finally she isn't a very nice person - no getting around it!

I hope it changes as he gets older. I don't want him to start wondering why granny doesn't like him in a couple of years.

Thanks everyone.

I think you need to accept she doesn't like your son or care about him. Instead of hoping she'll turn into the grandma figure you want her to be, accept she doesn't have to have a bond with him. He isn't her grandson.

You mentioned she tells him not to touch things, is he generally boisterous or clumsy or loud when he visits? It must be irritating if he runs around indoors or breaks things.

Some people just don't like small children. Many find them annoying, boring and disruptive. It sounds like she is one of these people, tolerating her step-grandson only for the sake of her husband.

Best to encourage your dad to meet his grandson out of the house or at your house. You can't force her to want him in her life.

She doesn't have to have a bond with him but likewise she doesn't have to act like a cow.

That's it squoosh it's the being a cow bit. I can accept she doesn't feel close to him but there's nicer ways of behaving. I'm not expecting fawning and doting! An occasional acknowledgement that he is a person "does he feel better now" "how's he getting on at nursery" - you know, baby small talk.

zinni he's 16 months so yes he is clumsy and loud! But not to the point of being dreadful.

Maybe you could leave your DS at your dad's for a couple of hours?

Your DSM may try and bond him then.