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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm a bit upset after calling the police for 'a domestic'

52 replies

SexDrugsAndSausageRoll · 17/01/2016 12:55

Last night I was woken up by screaming, initially I ignored it but look at the window when it restarted. A man and a woman were fighting, a child was in the front seat, maybe six months and the woman was trying to get the child out before the man drive off. Over quick and I returned to bed.

Then a few min later it started up again but he was massively aggressive, had her by the hair and was trying to force her in the back seat whilst the baby screamed. Beyond a row but proper lost it swearing. She ran off, he drove off. With the child in mind I called the police and gave them direction and car reg. unbelievably whilst on the phone she'd doubled back up an alley and he appeared again, he parked across pavement at speed but although I couldn't see behind neighbours hedge she was howling in terror and it sounded like he was being physical.

The police came and she tore up the road, at first he was swearing at them too but calmed a fair bit. She crept back up (I guess as the child was still there) police were chatting with him like it was fine whilst she stood six foot away.

They then called me about what i had witnessed and said "it's only a domestic" and even in a mocking tone "you can go back to bed now, no need to keep looking out the window" I wasn't even bloody looking out by then as I'd huddled back under the duvet once i had seen police were safely with all of them. They were all relaxed with him, chatting and told me she wasn't saying he'd done anything... Whilst other police were passing the day with him opposite! I didn't watch to see the outcome but it was clear she was being a silly female.

Now really, am I in a parallel universe or would anybody have called the police in those circumstances??? She'd sounded terrified and he had her baby in the car! The police did tell me he was just trying to take her home with his daughter... By the hair?? Whilst manhandling hitting and calling her a ducking whore.

I'm still livid this morning, I wish dh had called as I was also clearly another fussy female to them. I probably in most peoples eyes should have called police the first time I saw them fighting, but we get so much on the main road here I have got a bit immune at times.

OP posts:

ValancyJane · 17/01/2016 13:24

Definitely complain. That kind of attitude is disgusting, you 100% did the right thing.

Moreshabbythanchic · 17/01/2016 13:30

How can we ever expect anyone to take violence against women seriously when even the police think its a bloody joke. I despair.

ValiantVelvet · 17/01/2016 13:31

If it happens again, try to get video or at least photos of it. And do make a complaint.

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2016 13:37

Please complain - only a domestic!!! WTF. The Police want our support, you gave it, you were made to feel small for it. What crap. please do complain.

You did the right thing, and I hope I would in those circumstances too. Don't let the anyone make you feel bad about it, you were right.

BishopBrennansArse · 17/01/2016 13:45

Take it to the IPCC

hettie · 17/01/2016 13:49

How depressing- which force? They will have a DV policy and it sounds liek they are not following it- complain and follow it up...

MetalMidget · 17/01/2016 13:51

I hope you complain about the way the incident was handled - it's widely recognised that a lot of police forces are still pretty poor in dealing with domestic violence.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26758565

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/01/2016 14:14

I'd bet a fiver the man was known to the police who attended in some way - another police officer or similar. And yes, I'd complain. 'Only' a domestic, ffs [anger]

StayWithMe · 17/01/2016 14:52

I had to phone the police when I was on FaceTime with my niece as I could hear her 'D'ickhead'F's ex gf screaming down the phone to him and I knew from what my dn told had told me, that the ex gf would take it out on her. The screaming was unbelievable and my dn was hysterical with fear. My dn hung up when the ex gf screamed her name.

I went into their local police station and played the recording of the incident and explained ss were involved and my concerns. They went to the house and spoke to the gf but not to my dn because "she's 'slow' and the 'stepmother' said she can't speak. Anyway there was nothing wrong when we went down" While I was waiting for them to get back, I could hear the other police laughing about it, through the door, beside the waiting area. Making jokes about their kids wanting to run away from home and if the police were called every time they and their wife argued, they'd never be away from the door. There were other things done and said that were inappropriate, that would take too long to go into.

My dn is now living with me and it has all come out about the abuse she has suffered, including taking every penny that she ever received for benefits. I will never forgive the police for thinking it was a big joke. My dn was 19 at the time, but they treated her as a child.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/01/2016 16:13

You definitely did the right thing. I too would be making a complaint.

Feeches · 17/01/2016 16:28

Complain. I am shocked that a police officer in this day and age would write off a job where an allegation of physical assault has been made (hair pulling), especially in the presence of young children as "only a domestic". This is quite wrong and will go against any UK police force's DV policy.

yorkshapudding · 17/01/2016 16:43

Given that 2 women are killed every week in the UK by current or former partners, I would argue that this Officer dismissing the incident as 'only' a domestic isn't just patronising and unprofessional but downright dangerous. You witnessed a woman being physically assaulted in the presence of a young child, you would have been extremely negligent NOT to inform the Police and should not have been made to feel foolish for doing so. You absolutely 100% did the right thing. I think in this particular situation, a complaint is justified.

AnnieNoMouse · 17/01/2016 16:49

I was out with friends once and saw a man being very aggressive towards a woman (clearly his partner). We suggested to the man he back off and he told us he was a police officer so he could do what he want as he knew what the law was :(

Goingtobeawesome · 17/01/2016 16:52

I find it hard to believe a policeman would ring a caller and say go back to bed, stop looking, etc while at the scene.

Maybe if they were best mates with the aggressor, or bent coppers.

ayria · 17/01/2016 17:30

I would have definitely called the police as well! Whether you were just "looking out your window" or not, no one would have even bothered otherwise, maybe.

There have been times when my sister has been in the same situation. Ex refused to hand over kids and speed off etc. I would like to think that if anyone is in that situation someone would try and help, call the police and bring it to their attention.

I would not have dismissed it at all - being aggressive to a woman and a baby involved? No.
Women don't like to tell police what really happens because they're scared of what will happen when the police go and no one is there to help them. They play it down like it's nothing because they are sometimes under their control and are manipulated to think he "wont do it again, I'm sorry" bullshit!

I would be angry they hadn't taken it further but really there isn't a lot they can do if the woman refuses to tell them anything. If it continues though and she starts to report it herself, she should be given a crime number to reference when she calls so it's all logged, and I think so it's discreet and he can't overhear what she's talking about.

He may very well might have been trying to just get her home. But... you don't know. Could be lies.

hownottofuckup · 17/01/2016 17:40

I'm not surprised tbh. When officers attended to me I had grazes all down my arms as I'd been locked in a back garden whilst he made off with the baby. It was winter and night time, I was frozen and had no way of getting any help so I had to climb into next doors garden, then onto an industrial type bin and over a 7ft pebble dashed wall. Hence the grazes all up my arms.
The officer decided I was obviously a nutter and had been self harming. Wouldn't even give me the time of day. Stupid twunt.

Original poster

SexDrugsAndSausageRoll · 17/01/2016 17:40

Going to be awesome- it didn't start like that as a call, quite. Pleasant, reassuring it was only a domestic, I think my tone was a bit 'eh?' As they he make the snarky end to the call about looking out the window. He reassured me they were with them, asked if I actually saw the assault, explained most of it was out of sight, he said she had no allegation to make then, I replied along the lines of oh ok. He asked were I was, was it xxx house. I said yes, you're parked right outside (could see blue lights were directly outside through curtains and hear them) and he made the comment about bed.

OP posts:

hownottofuckup · 17/01/2016 17:42

there isn't a lot they can do if the woman refuses to tell them anything

They could have spoken to OP, who was a witness.

Original poster

SexDrugsAndSausageRoll · 17/01/2016 17:45

I did say I saw dragging by hair, but only heard "stop hitting me" etc instead of directly seeing

OP posts:

ayria · 17/01/2016 17:46

Them treating it as "just a domestic" could be life-threatening to be quite honest. My mum, she was in an abusive relationship, they said "we can't do anything until he has committed a crime". Ridiculous. So it took my mum having to get two black eyes at least twice a week before they got involved. Us two kids scampered to the top room when we knew it was coming and we had to listen to it.

I fucking hate when it's treated as nothing when we lived in fear of him ever stepping in the front door, especially after he had been out drinking all night.

ayria · 17/01/2016 17:50

hownot I mean in general, not just this incident. If it happens behind closed doors, she is not going to say if it does. I lived through it, wishing every time my mum would speak up to the police, begging her to tell them the truth. But women just can't sometimes.

hownottofuckup · 17/01/2016 17:51

In this day and age there's no such thing as 'just a domestic'. The officer was wrong.

I once called the police when a 3 yr old wandered into my garden naked on the bottom half. The officer turned up and simply took her home. I followed it up and he had to come back out to take a statement to do a proper referral. He claimed to my face no one had told him the child had turned up half naked. I had bloody told him!!

hownottofuckup · 17/01/2016 17:53

I totally agree with you ayria which is exactly why the police should make the most of any opportunity to speak to an independent witness rather than placate and dismiss them.
It happens far too often.

ayria · 17/01/2016 18:08

Yes, what I don't like is when they leave the scene and you're left alone. Sometimes the women beg them not to do anything, don't take him in, it'll make it worse, so they have to do what she says if she doesn't press charges.

I don't like that there was a baby present. I hope that baby doesn't go home to it.

FreshHorizons · 17/01/2016 18:18

I think that I would make a formal complaint. I thought we had moved on from 'just' a domestic.

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