AIBU to care so much about what friends think/feel?

[Nicebucket]

I've been doing some soul searching recently and I've found that maybe I care too much about what my friends think of me...

My dad left my mum for another woman when I was 4 and never looked back. Never got in touch with us, not even a phone call.

My cousins, who I grew up with, don't speak to me at all. Their dad sexually abused me when I was little and when my mum and I spoke up about it, there was a falling out.

I have a complicated relationship with my grandparents - it's caused more pain than happiness, that's all I'll say.

I was a very sick child- had an autoimmune disorder and bad asthma, so I couldn't go to school regularly. As a result, I didn't start making friends until Uni and I was very shy.

You could say I have some abandonment issues. I also have some lingering issues with confidence. I don't come across as shy or introverted anymore, I'm perceived as outgoing and chatty. But I guess somewhere inside I'm still the girl who was ill, overweight, abandoned by family and didn't have any friends in school.

Anyway, given that I have no real family apart from my mum, no childhood friendships, I am very invested in the other friendships I've made since Uni.

When I have a fight or argument with one of them, it hits me very hard because I start to think they'll never speak to me again. Even if they don't call me for a week or don't reply to a text, I feel like the friendship might be over. Or I feel like they're annoyed with, find me boring, no longer want to spend time with me.

I'm careful not to reveal these vulnerabilities and insecurities to them, but in the end I know they're there.

An ignored message in my head is a friend who can't be bothered or is irritated. A fight means the relationship is over...

I know this isn't true and its immature. But I can't help it...

In some cases, I imagine my concerns are justified. For example, some friends never contact me first, and I'm tired of being the one to always take the initiative.

Anyone else feel this way? How did you deal with it?

Its good that you can recognise that though, because even being able to admit it to yourself is obviously very difficult sometimes, and I've found I often put mental blocks up to myself to deny my own feelings. Its strange, how our mind works like that- you'd think it'd be the easiest thing to be honest to yourself!

I think it sounds like you definitely need to talk to someone- for me, just a counsellor helped. Outpouring everything and actually saying it out loud really made some things click in my brain- it was such a relief!!

It is really shit when friends don't reciprocate the effort you put in. I have a friend just like that- she is lovely, kind, and really 'my type' of person- but she can be so selfish I could scream sometimes. It helps for me to put myself in her shoes- I can never imagine her being malicious about it, and I rationally tell myself she has no reason to be. The problem is, if you are anything like me, you will try desperately to please everyone so that they remain your friend and respond to your messages. Not everyone is like this, though, and I can guarantee they have absolutely no idea about the anguish they're causing on your end. It is quite common for people to be self absorbed and we are all guilty for it. I know the whole problem is that it's almost impossible to do this- but try not to take it personally OP- the ball is in their court now and you have done nothing wrong.

I could have written that original post with very few changes. I have spent my life panicking about what I've said to people and if they are still speaking to me. I end up emailing round to check and then have to wait days ... or weeks before I get replies and I can relax again. We make another date and it starts all over again.

Only difference now is I am a lot older and last year I made a resolution to stop emailing after I see someone and even wrote in my diary "it's not your fault", "you didn't do anything wrong", etc. I try to remember that people are busy, etc. After all, over the years, in all the 100s of panic attacks I've had never once have I been correct that I've upset anyone. The once I did upset anyone I have been completely oblivious to it and it hit me out of the blue when I was confronted (and frankly she was worse anyway and I don't miss her).

Most of my friends are not there for me in a crisis but they are there for coffee, etc if I need cheering up and I have to content myself with that. There are a couple of good ones who might just turn up if I was in real need.

Counselling does help. I had it years ago (not for this) and it changed my life. This time I did it myself and you can too!

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences everyone!

Sometimes it just helps to know I'm not the only one. It's easy to start thinking I'm an oddity, I'm the only one with this issue etc. But when others share their experiences of similar feelings I feel less alone.

For example, I'm still so upset that my friend hasn't responded since yesterday morning. She's been on FB and what's app and is totally ignoring me. I get that she might be sick of listening to the same problems, but honesty, I've done it for her for years! I don't know why it's difficult for her to reciprocate.

I'm really looking into some classes and new hobbies. I'll get to meet new people and keep myself busy

You can't change other people but you can change how you let them affect you. That's just the way she is and you have to accept it. Yes get out there and get more friends and some will be like you and some will be like her.

I have exActly the issues you describe. I've read extensively, had as much therapy as one person can do and the best book I have read by far is 'complex post traumatic stress disorder' by Pete Walker. I think you would find it immensely helpful. Best of luck and a huge hug xxx

Here's one useful site:www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

Much sympathy from me.