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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your help re leaving and shared parenting

45 replies

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 11:32

I have another thread running about leaving and practicalities which has been hugely helpful. The other huge issue is shared care once I've left. Dc are 1 and 5.
H only really clicked yesterday that I am leaving in a fortnight and I have always said I want no money from him and we would have shared care. I think I am mainly saying both so I leave without a fight.
I can support us on my salary and I do have a leaving fund.
I have contacted a mediator and suggested we go.
He wanted me to sign a piece of paper there and then yesterday saying I will never ask for money and I will share the care. I found him frightening and said we could do it all through a mediator.
He has been abusive towards me - never the kids - but I always have my ear out at home if it's his 'turn' with our 5 yo for harsh parenting and neglectful parenting like rubbish food, unlimited time on games/ TV. He does set up a dynamic with ds of, impress me or I'm not interested, which makes me sad. I absolutely want my dc to have a good relationship with their dad and that's a big part of why it leaving- I can only think he'd be happier without me and a happier parent with them alone.
But I am worried still. He has depressive episodes which means he can barely wash himself and then needs me to do everything with our dc. He won't get help for it and won't admit it's a problem.
We have provisionally agreed he would have them 3 nights per week, sat, sun and Monday (but with me doing pick up and tea as he won't be finished work on time and my hours are more flexible, not sure what would happen about the overnight bit), and I'm worried it will be too much. Although he has been horrendous to me, I do want the best for him and I am meaning this well.

My main concerns are not only will I have enough time with my DC, especially my very young dd, but will he cope? How can I sort this so it's not a complete mess?

Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 17/01/2016 12:50

The more you post, the more I think you're in more danger than you think OP. Is there somewhere you can go now?

What did SS say re your comment about you being a fault?

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 12:55

I guess that was probably more my interpretation- they clearly acknowledge d I had been a victim of dv

OP posts:

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 12:55

No where to go. 2 weeks till moving day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 12:58

I was totally shocked to have a sc assessment, so I think I felt to blame. Prob not rational. Trying to keep things in perspective.

OP posts:

witsender · 17/01/2016 13:02

His actions are very worrying...I really would try and leave and go somewhere for 2 wks. Then you can at least think straight and seek advice.

In the meantime agree to nothing, be non-commital, smile and nod.

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 13:07

OK. Thank you for support. I appreciate it hugely.

OP posts:

WicksEnd · 17/01/2016 13:10

If SS are saying you've no option but to leave, why would shared care will be acceptable in their eyes? If SS are involved surely they're the ones who'll asses this? I hope so, then it's taken out of your hands.
They may recommend supervised contact only.
You're bending over backwards for him because you're clearly terrified. Please get further advice from WA and SS.
Well done for making the move, hopefully once you've got some head space, you'll get stronger

(What's the housing situation? Are you in rented or own the house you live in?)

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 13:11

Rented. They seemed to think as I have always said the danger is to me, not the kids that all would be OK with csre arrangement s.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/01/2016 13:12

You sound like all your decision making is geared around not angering him rather than what is best for you and the DC.

I say, make no agreements now while you are still trapped in the cage with the wounded lion. Just get out as quickly and quietly as possible.

Have you checked with SS about him having access? If they have told you to get the kids away from him, then I can't imagine they'll give you a parent of the year award for sending them to stay with him every weekend.

Fourormore · 17/01/2016 13:13

How did the SS involvement come about?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/01/2016 13:17

X-post. Have SS really said they are OK with him having sole care every weekend?

Are you really OK with it?

How often has he looked after them for long weekends etc in the past? Is he good at making sure the homework gets done, kit for weekend clubs is ready etc? How will the DC feel about never having down time with you? Unloved perhaps? Will he poison them against you? Will he use them to hurt you?

Fourormore · 17/01/2016 13:21

OP I'd get some proper legal advice as quickly as possible.

Your H doesn't sound like a nice man but I too struggled with depression in my first marriage and left most of the childcare to my H. When we separated, I stepped up, I had to, there was no one else. I think this is fairly common. Divorce is quite a wake up call.

However there are no guarantees and with SS blaming both of you, legal advice needs to be top of your list if you want to retain some control and avoid the courts.

Throwingshade · 17/01/2016 13:24

Baroness

It doesn't matter what you have told him or promised about shared care - it really doesn't! Has he been an honourable, reasonable husband and father? No he hasn't. You owe him NOTHING. I understand you just want a smooth exit. Fine - good plan, just go along with it for now. Then get legal and SS advice.

The rest of the games he is playing, are just that. Games. Go on Relationship board and see this is very very common - scaring you, threatening you that you are a bad mother who can't cope. Ignore it, stay strong. Smile and nod as a pp said.

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 13:32

Thanks all

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2016 14:43

Leave what you've agreed to standing - until you leave. Do not enter into any other discussions.

Then when you're out, put in place what you feel is safe and appropriate care for your children. And it doesn't like shared care is suitable.

And get legal advice before you agree to anything else - including maintenance.

booitsme · 17/01/2016 17:01

I haven't read all the other replies but I am a family mediator. You have done the right thing contacting a mediator. Tell the mediator everything about how you have felt pressurised and your concerns about dh's care for the children. They will make sure the process is fair and you can speak freely in mediation and make your own decisions. Tell dh you know the children have a right to know both parents and spend time with each and that's important to you. Tell him you understand mediation will help you work out how that will work practically. Tell him that you want to keep things very amicable for the children as you will need to make lots of decisions together over the years... In Essence try and reassure him of your good intent.

When you have left you will feel stronger - I see women blossom all the time when they feel free. Then at mediation you can voice concerns about his care giving. Mediation focuses on the future not the past. You can't change the past but you can say you are concerned about x, y or z and consider safeguards or changes.. He will have to pay for the children and can not contract out of that. Also many parents alternate contact weekends or you will end up doing the school runs, homework and have no quality time with the kids. You will be ok!

booitsme · 17/01/2016 17:06

I've read a bit more - if you are at all scared contact cab for free help. As it gets closer to the time you leave your dh will get more frustrated not less - If there is a risk of domestic violence then children are always at risk - what if one got caught in cross fire. Hope everything works out but don't ever ignore guy feelings they are there to protect us

booitsme · 17/01/2016 17:08

*gut

Original poster

Baronessvontwurzel · 17/01/2016 18:19

Gosh thank you so much boo, that is really really helpful and inspiring. I am scared but it's more by the emotional reaction I have to him really, than to him, I think. I don't think he would hurt me, but he is upset, for sure. I think I'm keeping the kids as safe as poss. It's so good to read what you say about mediation, and looking to the future- it would be so nice to leave this all behind us. Thanks again. Hope I blossom too!

OP posts:

mytimewillcome · 17/01/2016 19:46

I would leave the children with him for a day at a time max and see how it goes.

My situation is scarily a lot like yours but I made him leave as it was my house. The problem with people like him is that they are fine when they aren't depressed but when they are they can't be trusted to look after the children. My exh recently stayed in bed all day and didn't give them lunch.

I had a long stretch with Ss involvement. They were little help and not supportive at all and because the children live full time with me they visited me all the time and very rarely him and he was the problem! The other thing is that he will almost definitely try and portray you as a bad mother. Just keep putting the children first and you will be ok. The best advice I got was to report everything whether to your gp, police or anywhere else where it could be recorded and then you will have a back up to any allegations he makes.

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