or is my dh, regarding 7mo ds

[Frazzled2207]

7mo DS2 has always been funny about bottle feeding, but I've now stopped bf so he's had to get used to it.
Other than for some short periods, he's been particularly funny about having a bottle from anyone other than me, to the point where he refuses and screams if anyone else tries to feed him or settle him for a nap.

Whilst DH is happy to help generally, and did his fair share of night feeds with (bottle-mad) DS1 (and, to be fair, always gets up with DS1 so I get a mini lie in if DS2 still asleep), he is reluctant to do a night shift with DS2 because he knows he would scream and wail. Which is true BUT the status quo is unsustainable as I am so knackered.
At nap time today I wanted to go out with DS1 and see if DH could feed and settle DS2 even though we knew he would be grumpy. I left the house against dh's will. He didn't feed but DH did take him for a walk to get him to sleep.
We've now fallen out because I am on my knees and nearly broken from not having a decent night's sleep since before he was born. I desperately need dh to do a night shift, at weekends like he did for ds1.
I also need to do some work KIT days and really want to be able to leave ds2 with dh or my parents to do some other things. In the spring he will be starting nursery. I think by leaving dh (or other person) and ds2 to it ds2 will eventually feed. DH thinks he's "too young" to not have his mummy and that this is not a good idea, despite not really having any other ideas to fix the issue.
Who ibu?
Should add that dh is generally very supportive and sympathetic, just doesn't feel we should let ds2 get upset unnecessarily. We had a similar disagreement regarding letting ds1 CIO, he eventually agreed to that but not until he was 2.

No one is being unreasonable, you just disagree on some aspects of parenting. While I understand your perspective. Coming from your Dh's school of parenting, I would find it very difficult to see my seven month old crying it out over a bottle whilst in my care. I may be soft, but that is how I would feel. One of my children took bottles early, the other refused. However, once they were weaned on to solids at seven months. I found it increasingly easy to leave for longer stretches as milk becomes less important.

Cups are a good idea, my bottle refuser would drink from one no problem.

I really sympathise with both you and dh, sleep deprivation is total hell and I think I've managed to block out most of it but I can still feel the horrible feeling of struggling through each day wishing I could run away and hating dh for having a full sleep every night.
I also remember being awake all night with an inconsolable child and it was also awful.

I think dh should try and take DS for a feed during the day, when he isn't tired, and you are out of the way (in the bath, he'll never find you there!). If he makes it as stress free as possible, gives ds1 a drink too and has his own, it may break the association between bottle-not from mum-no mum-screaming.

If it works, dh can do night times. Maybe he would be more confident if you picked a time limit for DS screaming, ie if it goes on for more than 10 minutes he brings DS to you to feed, so he knows he won't be stuck with a screaming baby all night and doesn't feel as stressed.

Also, it could be the baby's age? My ds1 was ridiculously clingy at 8 months, if I put him down at all he cried. He was like this for a month and then much happier, but during that time anyone not me was not good enough. Once he was past that stage he was much easier to deal with.

Also had a bottle-refuser, but would drink a little from a cup. Also used to spoon feed milk from a bowl but can see this wouldn't be terribly convenient at night.

YABU. You are his mum and he needs you. He probably misses the bonding and closeness of being breastfeed. You could at least give your son the comfort of holding him while you feed him formula? Most mothers world wide breastfeed full time and have to get by on little sleep. I am not sure why you think you need more sleep than then rest of us?

I don't think your assessment of DH's response is accurate: 'He basically doesn't want to have to deal with a wailing baby ( who does?).'

I agree with what Winifredgoose said. Also SirBoobaLot: 'the idea of figuring your still very little baby will "eventually" feed is horrible. And actually, some babies just won't, like your DS didn't this time.' This is 100% true. Some babies will not. This is a compliment to you, not them being difficult.

You seem to have a very matter of fact approach to babies' crying. Your DH is clearly very bothered by their distress and wants to avoid that if possible (for example he wouldn't agree to the cio method).

I think YABU. I think you have to go with the flow with some babies. They are all different and while it would be lovely to be able to sleep, sometimes you just have to suck it up. They will sleep eventually. There are a lot of them who didn't get the memo about fitting in with what their families want or need.

Read 'The High Needs Baby' by William and Martha (maybe it's Mary) Sears. Your DH seems to be unknowingly following the advice in that book.

Nutella
That's not helpful. An exhausted mum
(Which is what i am at the moment) is not a particularly good mum imo.
I had 2 babies in quick succession and the combination has almost broken me.
I stopped bf during the day at 5m and he stopped bf during the night at Christmas. Though he had a bottle a day almost from birth, so he's about as used to it as he's going to get.

Nutella replies like that are not helpful.

This woman is on her knees at home, some people can get by on little sleep and others can't, I definitely couldn't and sleep depravation made me nasty. If you can survive on little sleep good for you - but piss off with the martyr act.

OP I think a PP's suggestion of starting to sit near the baby when the bottle is given then gradual retreat is a great one. Best of luck with it - I do think your DH is being unreasonable a bit though for not doing any night wakings or a weekend. Could you take yourself off for a night just to try one Saturday with sleep - it'll be a sleepless night for him but you need a rest too !

In fairness to dp, getting him to do a nightshift is unrealistic at the moment as I, DS1 and the neighbour would be woken. We need to get to a point where he will be settled and fed by dh (eg during the day) first then dh could certainly be willing.

Also on weekends, go back to bed for a bit if you can during the day, and get a couple of hours in early evening. It's boring and crap, but it can help get you through.